Friday, 11 January 2008

Music Promoter In Bid For More Cash

Give Me My Fucking Money, Demands Goldsmith

After MPs voted against the bid to make ebay ticket sellers share their profits with promoters, Harvey Goldsmith has told the press “I haven’t got enough money and I want – no, need - lots more.”

Goldsmith is furious about the fact people are allowed to sell items they have bought at a profit, as he feels that any profit made in the music industry should be given to him to him immediately.

“Do you know what my bath taps are made out of?” asked Goldsmith “I’ll tell you – gold. Fucking gold, I ask you. If these thieving bastards handed over what they owed me I’d be able to replace them with ones made out of platinum meteorites. But no, the cheeky shitters are keeping it all to themselves.”

Goldsmith believes that any item he sells still remains, in principal, his possession until the end of recorded time. He was recently in court suing Midge Ure for selling Goldsmith’s ex-London apartment at a tidy profit. “Cheeky twat, that Ure bloke. I sold him my flat in 2003 for a fair price – 1.2 million, if memory serves. And what does he go and do? Sells it on for 1.4 million. Un-fucking-be-bastard-lievable. That two hundred grand’s mine and if I see Ure in the street I’ll take it out of his face in 2p coins.”

Goldsmith’s latest measure to stop people selling things that belong to them is to have a moving hologram printed on all tickets, showing him wagging his finger with one hand and waving a baseball bat around with the other. When asked how much this would increase the cost of tickets by, Goldsmith stated “Who gives a chimp’s cock? Eighty sheets to see five blokes play music seems fair to me, so if the punters end up paying ninety just so I can have my hologram, so be it.”

“I promise you” he continued “I’ll get my frigging wedge, even if I have to stop people as they go into gigs myself and ask them where they got their tickets.”

“Oh, and I’m having that as well.” he concluded, taking a desk lamp from the hotel room where the press conference was conducted.

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