Brook Wins Top Award

Brook Wins 'Most Wanked Over' Award

At a glitzy, glamorous, star-studded, glitzy, showbiz-studded awards ceremony last night, Kelly Brook was confirmed as Britain 's most wanked-over British female celebrity of 2007.

A panel of experts wearing white coats have pointed at big flashy machines for weeks and calculated that Ms Brook has been the subject of 75 million acts of self-pollution over the last twelve months.

Egon von Ebbsfleet, chairman of The Wankies said "Kelly Brook's achievement is quite phenomenal. To put it into perspective, the amount of one-handed energy expended thinking about her breasts could light a town the size of Knutsford for eight months." Ebbsfleet went on to say that the amount of Brook-inspired spooge wiped into old socks and duvet covers over the last year would fill one and a half Olympic-sized swimming pools.

Accepting her award, Kelly Brook beamed "This is such a great honour for me. Growing up in Rochester , I always dreamed that one day blokes up and down the country would be sweatily hunched over magazine pictures of me with my wangers out. But not my nips, 'cos I've got class."

Daniel Craig won in the male category, with an estimated 35 million beans having been flicked whilst thinking about him in those trunks out of 'Casino Royale'.

And The Wankies handed a lifetime achievement award to Pamela Anderson on notching up a staggering 1 billion cheeky ones off the wrist in her honour. The magical figure was reached on 12th October 2007 at approximately 6:15 PM by Colin Murphy of Chester when his mother nipped out to the shops.