Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Benitez Controversy

Benitez’s Desk Moved Into Carpark

After the progressive breakdown in relations between Liverpool FC manager Rafael Benitez and Liverpool’s American owners Tom Hicks & George Gillett, and following management’s recent talks with Jurgen Klinsmann, it was today revealed that Benitez’s office furniture has been moved into the club carpark.

“This is was a perfectly ordinary precautionary measure” said Hicks. “We’re due to move into the new stadium in 2011 and need to start shifting our stuff out sooner rather than later. We just thought that bunging all Rafael’s gear into a Portakabin in the carpark could get that process started.”

Benitez was allegedly shocked to report to work this morning to find his name had been scrubbed from his parking bay and the nameplate removed from his office door. Liverpool management have described this as “All part of standard health & safety procedure.”

The club found it harder to explain Benitez’s other discoveries:
• A booking form for an Oompah band.
• A huge congratulations card with “Welcome to LFC, Jurgen” written inside being passed around the office with an envelope full of pound coins.
• The staff canteen menu changed to include bratwurst, sauerkraut and big foamy tankards of ale.

“It’s very, erm, simple” stammered Hicks. “In a club this size, it’s feasible that at some point we might employ somebody called Jurgen. Possibly as a security guard or something. It’s also possible that this person might conceivably be German. So it makes sense for us to try and make them feel welcome.”

Jurgen Klinsmann was unavailable for comment, stating that “Selling your house and putting all your furniture into removals vans is a busy job, ja?”

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