Tuesday, 22 January 2008

"Let's Punch Britain Thin" Says Health Secretary

Government Enlist School Bullies In Obesity Fight

Health Secretary Alan Johnson has turned to the nation’s school bullies in his latest bid to fight childhood obesity in a white paper entitled “Blobby Bastards – A Growing Concern”.

“This government has always looked for innovative solutions to national problems” said Johnson “And with this in mind, I call upon the bullies, tormentors and young sadists of the UK to take up the challenge to browbeat Britain thin.”

In the new scheme, each academic year would have a Named Bully whose campaigns of physical and psychological abuse would earn them partial credits toward their GCSE exams. In conjunction with head teachers, overweight children would be awarded ‘Fat Little Fuck’ status and a planned schedule of wedgies, name-calling & emotional scarring put into place.

“I’m all for this” said Tupac Ebbsfleet, a 14-year-old bully attending Knutsford Secondary Modern School. “For several years I’ve been independently making whale noises around fat kids, laughing at them in PE changing rooms and the like. It’s good to know that in the future my hard work will be recognised.”

All-knowing guru Raj Persaud said the scheme would work on established psychological principles. “It’s been scientifically proven that fat kids are weak, easily manipulated and live in daily fear of being ostracised by their peers. A well-planned system of bullying would re-educate their eating habits, making them realise that stuffing their piggy little fucking faces with chips all day is no good for them. I’d estimate that approximately three months of sustained, organised bullying would help them decrease their weight significantly. ”

And the scheme has been given celebrity backing by irritating face-mistake Jamie Oliver. “I’m all for helping kids lose weight. I got the ball rolling by calling thousands of blameless dinner ladies a bunch of useless cuntrags. I think it was important for me to point out that if I can make organic, nutritionally balanced menus in my frigging enormous home, they can do the same for 300 ungrateful, braying brats while earning minimum wage. If slapping a few fat kids can get them off the turkey twizzlers, then I’m right behind it. Geezer.”

The Health Secretary is expected to pilot the scheme “In some dreadful little northern town” next month, before rolling it out across the whole of Scotland in September 2008. “Have you seen the way those caber-munchers eat?” asked Johnson “A few less gallons of Tizer and laying off the deep-fried black pudding will do them the world of good.”

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