Tuesday, 23 December 2008

The Least Shit Of Push Jelly, 2008

Entire Christmas Top 40 To Consist Of ‘Hallelujah’ Covers
Non-buoyant ex-alive crooner Jeff Buckley is expected to take the number two spot with his version and Cohen himself is tipped to be in the number three spot, making the Christmas edition of Top Of The Pops “Downright fucking weird” according to pointless DJ Dr Fox. “Normally on the Xmas TOTP, the bands will have a bit of a mess around, maybe drape some tinsel over their drumkit. This year we’re going to have a walking octogenarian suicide note, a waterlogged corpse and a human loud hailer. Roy Wood dyeing his beard red seems like a blessed relief in comparison.”

UK Cinema Audiences “One Big Hen Party”
One company is set to offer an alternative, however, with the opening of their “Wahey!” chain of cinemas. It aims to only show films with a death count of above fifteen, and will promise a high Jason Statham quotient. Interactive buttons in cinema seats will also offer audiences the chance to freeze frame any scenes featuring Jessica Alba drenched in water. Opening in the Spring, its first roster of films will include “Naked Car Chase”, “DeathFucker III” and “BANG!”

Paris Bombs “Effortlessly Chic” Say Police
French police fear that the attack is just the start of a bombing campaign by the group and have warned “Maybe it is better for you English to stay at home with your rain and your grey food, rather than visiting Paris. We do not wish for your pale, lumpy women to be in any danger, yes? Unless it is your Keira Knightley that wishes to visit. She is, as we say, ‘un ride exceptional’, is she not?”

100 Countries Pledge To Kill People Differently
“It’s an amazing day in the history of mass slaughter” said treaty author Jens Ebbsfleet. “In the future, armies will have the button marked ‘Cluster Bomb’ in the cockpit of their terrifying war machines covered up with gaffer tape. They will have to use the button slightly to the right marked ‘Hot Shrapnel Death’ instead.”

Offenders To Wear ‘Payback, Mothafucka’ Vest

Starting in January 2009, offenders completing community service orders will have to do so wearing a series of high-visibility vests that punk them like a bitch. The dayglo orange tabards will carry phrases such as “Pick That Shit Up, Fool”, “Don’t Make Me Remand Your Ass All Up In Custody” and “You Some Weak, Repeat-Offending Bitch”.

“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith
Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.

BNP Members Can “Go & Shite” Say Amnesty
After the personal details of 10,000 BNP members were posted on the internet, human rights activists have been quick to assert that the collection of neo-nazis, crackpots and morons can “Throw their cocks at a flying sex doll if they think they’re getting any help from us.”

“High School Musical. Screen 4. Now Piss Off”
The cinema chain piloted the scheme last year which was an overwhelming success. “People were queuing up for the child-free screenings. Most of them didn’t even want to see the film that was being shown.” As one customer involved in the pilot stated “If it means I can sit in peace for a couple of hours without having dozens of little fuckers chase each other across my line of vision, I’ll even sit through something with Meg Ryan in it.”

Catholic Church Buys Out Anglicans
“I thought my place at God’s right hand was safe with the Anglicans” said Missie Luther, a long-time Anglican customer. “I think it’s disgusting that they gave us no warning of what was happening. Only last Sunday, I was chatting to the vicar and he didn’t say a word. All the time he must have known I was going to hell while he walks away scot free. I should have pissed in his tea, the lying Turk.”

Labour Policies “Retro” Claims Brown
Gordon Brown underlined the government’s pledge to 1980s-style policymaking by revealing “In Downing Street we have a Rubik’s cube with key words painted on each square – “Prudent”, “Security”, “Partnership”, “Timely” – and so on. Whenever we make a new policy announcement, we get Ed Balls to play with the Rubik’s cube for ten minutes and read off the resultant message.”

Kay “Has Go At Orphans” For Next Show
“Peter showed in last night’s show that he really is a man of the people, and as such has no issue with sneering at the working classes who dream of a better life for themselves and enter reality shows as a way of doing this. He’s a down-to-earth Lancashire lad that just happens to be richer than Croesus’ accountant so when he mocks basically-decent, working class people whose lifestyles or opinions he no longer has to live alongside, it’s done with love. With “Britain’s Got…”, the former City Life & So You Think You’re Funny winner warm-heartedly poked fun at those who enter talent competitions to further their careers.

Ryan Reynolds ‘Luckiest Bastard Alive’
Firetrap believes that by marrying Johansson, Reynolds has secured his place as Tinseltown’s leading lucky swine. “The facts speak for themselves” said Firetrap. “Reynolds looks like a cross between a date-raping frat boy and child’s drawing of Ben Affleck. Then there’s his acting. He has all the screen charisma of a suppurating sore and that’s reflected in a film CV that could be bought for £1.67 if you rummaged through enough bins in Blockbusters.”

“On face value, he should be playing ‘Satisfied customer #2’ in a regional carpet warehouse commercial. But instead he’s ludicrously wealthy and, as we speak, he’s probably being blown by one of the fittest women on the planet with a cocaine-coated finger rammed up his jacksie. No fucking justice, is there?”

Johnson Promises ‘Porn For All’
However, one psychologist has warned of the dangers of a syndrome he dubs “Passive Wanking”. Ron Ebbsfleet, Professor of One-Handed Studies at Knutsford University, stated “The enjoyment of really good grumble in the privacy of one’s home, maybe involving yellow play or light genital branding, is perfectly harmless. But millions of people simultaneously shuffling away like demented banjo players could have a domino effect, leaving the whole country engulfed in a listless state of wank daftness that could destroy the economy and perhaps life as we know it.”

‘Creationist’ Scientist To Be Burnt Alive
Dawkins himself is expected to attend the burning, taking time off from his tour of punching every bishop in the UK in the mouth. “Any science teacher worth his salt would piss in the eye of a kid who started on Creationism” said Dawkins “These Jesus-peddlers are no more than a bunch of intolerant shagrats. Kill all of ‘em and let random interplay of atoms decide, I say.”

US Commemorates 9/11 By Kicking Muslims To Death
A parade is planned down 42nd Street and will feature floats depicting a blindfolded Iraqi prisoner being pistol-whipped, an exploding mosque and a laughing George Bush shitting onto a copy of the Koran.

Recession Will “Weed Out The Arseholes” Says Darling
Home Fuel Prices: “Many may say that energy suppliers seem to have plucked a figure out of the air, multiplied it by seven, added their daughter’s age then whacked it on to the top of your gas bill. They may well be right, as I haven’t bothered to check. If you think I’m going to cross your average Russian oil trillionaire, you must think I have ‘twat’ sewn into my underpants.”

"How Do You Want Threatening?" Asks BBC
The BBC Trust is to start a consultation of license-payers to discuss what tactics the broadcaster should employ in browbeating terrified pensioners into parting with their cash. After a motion in parliament criticised the BBC for acting "Like a Bermondsey loan shark with a three-day hangover" in its methods of fee recovery, the BBC is to set up various Q&A sessions with the public to assess the preferred way of demanding money with menaces.

Palin Tops 2008 ‘Hate Fuck’ Poll

FHM editor Chester Ebbsfleet explained Palin’s love/hate appeal to readers. “Her hatefulness is there for all to see – she’s virulently anti-abortion, opposes gay marriage and believes in creationism. Frankly, she makes the Pope sound like Marilyn Manson.”

“But on the other hand she looks like one them ones from ‘Desperate Housewives’ and we reckon that once the bedroom door closes she’s absolute fucking filth. Strap-ons, rimming, reverse lemon pie, the lot.’”

Millions To Be Arrested For Brown Assassination Plans
“I bought my house five years ago for a sum of money that would make Bill Gates choke on his fucking cornflakes, and it hasn’t even got an upstairs bathroom. I tried to sell it last month and some Kouros-stinking little cunt of an estate agent comes round and tells me he’ll take it off my hands for £30 for scrap value. If that Caledonian cockpump Brown comes into my boozer I’ll beat him to death with Harriet Harman, I tell you.”

Obama Has Sex With Marilyn Monroe
This is the latest step in Senator Obama’s campaign to become the new Kennedy, which has included a visit to Berlin, his wife dressing like Jackie Kennedy and his inevitable assassination early in his presidency. His brother, Knut Obama, has been reported as saying “If anyone thinks I’m running for president after Barack gets shot, they can jump in the nearest river and fuck a passing trout.”

British Gas Sends Turd To Every Customer
“You will have found enclosed in the envelope a freshly-wrapped chunk of my digestion. We would ask all customers to carefully unwrap the parcel, pop it in a microwave for thirty seconds, then BITE DOWN ON MY FUCKING SHIT, YOU WORMS! EAT IT! EAT ALL OF IT! SCUM! YOU’RE ALL SCUM & I’LL CHARGE YOU WHAT THE CUNT I LIKE! AAAAHAHAHAAA!!!”

Alternative Medicine Is “Utter Bilge” Court Rules
“Coming to court today, I used the internal combustion engine, an MP3 player and a mobile phone.” said Justice Ebbsfleet. “At no point did I feel the need to mount a rickshaw with a lute player and fire off a carrier pigeon with a note wrapped around its leg. The middle ages, which most of these ‘cures’ seem to originate from, was a time of pig-ignorance, poor hygiene and death by the age of thirty. Anybody who thinks a bottle of echinacea and an account with their local organic greengrocers is going to stop them getting sick is, frankly, a moron.”

Deluded Youths Gather In Sydney
Pope Benedict XVI kicked of World Youth Day in Sydney this morning by telling the massed 200,000 teenagers “To think, you are in the sunniest, most laid-back city on the planet. You could be naked, drunk and having sex on surfboard. But no, you have decided to listen to an old Nazi tell you that you’re all evil. God Bless you all.”

Ronaldo To Remake TV Show ‘Roots’
After watching the DVD of ‘Roots’ on his 52-foot widescreen television, Ronaldo started to see parallels to his own life. In ‘Roots’, Kunta Kinte is dragged as a teenager from his homeland and forced to work under a cruel master. “That was just like me” said Ronaldo. “Although admittedly, the Lear Jet that flew me from Sporting to Manchester United wasn’t packed with 150 other players sleeping head-to-toe.”

Church Of England To Allow Atheist Bishops
“The Bible is clear on a number of other issues. Not least of which is that women are just bloody awful. Look, it says here in Corinthians: ‘Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak’. But try telling that to parishioners these days and you’ll get a size four Jimmy Choo in your clackers.”

Badger Cull Quashed By Whimsical Comedians

Ebbsfleet went on in this vein for some time before coming to the explanation as to why the badger was so important to SUCKS. “After watching a couple of comedy DVDs – Bill Bailey, Harry Hill, stuff like that – we thought that it’d be great to get onstage and anthropomorphise various woodland creatures. At the very least, we thought it would be quicker than writing routines with actual jokes in them.”

House Prices Now “Merely Staggeringly Ridiculous”
When asked what he meant by ‘market forces’, Ebbsfleet replied “Market forces are, and I can’t stress this clearly enough, the subtle trends, factors and influences that compel banks to make you leap through shit-smeared hoops, while they cackle and light cigars with £50 notes of your money. All because you’ve grown tired of handing over all your wages to a greasy twat in a suit for the privilege of living in a grotty hovel that you’ll never own.”

John Leslie To Stand As Labour MP
An inside source stated “They’ve already lined up John Leslie, as they feel he can be very persuasive in compelling people to do painful things they really don’t want to do, like voting Labour. They want a man that can handle pressurised situations, such as being accused of a series of disgusting, aggressive sexual assaults. And importantly, he does look good in a suit.”

Burrell “Didn’t Even Get Tops & Fingers” Say Palace
Burrell even claimed to have had sex with Diana during an official visit to Great Ormond Street hospital. “We were visiting some kids that had limbs missing. Landmines or something. Anyway, Diana whispered that all these pre-teen amputees were making her really hot. The next minute I’m balls-deep in royal poon in a cleaning cupboard.”

Hyde Park Bukkake Protest “A Success” Say Organisers
A Face Full Of Love is hoping to mount further protest rallies across the globe, with rumours of celebrity endorsements from Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Kate Moss amongst others. “We had Jade Goody calling to offer her services” said Ebbsfleet “But we had to say no. I’d do anything to save this planet, but there are limits. She looks like a fist full of jelly, for fuck’s sake.”

Halle Berry Child Name Outrage
But one celebrity did come to Berry’s defence. Bob Geldof, father of Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie Frou Frou & Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, said “Feck off and leave the poor wee girl alone. There’s nothing fecking wrong wth a name like Dave. Sure, I’d have called the kids Mary, Theresa and Josephine if it wasn’t for the dead missus. What with the coke and the booze and the Australian cock, she had no clue what she was doing. I think she thought she was naming types of Laura Ashley fabric, meself.”

NHS Researchers Recommend “Lots Of Sex With NHS Researchers”
In an online article published by NHS Direct, members of the public are advised to start an exercise regime that includes “Lots of commitment-free, anonymous sex with NHS researchers.” In the article, entitled “My Cock Holds The Key To Wellbeing”, NHS Direct readers are advised to “Eat healthily, avoid alcohol & tobacco and have regular health checkups. Also, if you’re a female between the ages of 18 and 35 you should email us for some enthusiastic humping.”

Tory Plan To “Stop Bloody Commoners Enjoying Themselves”
The main part of his proposal is a taxation hike on drinks such as alcopops, strong beer and cider. “Basically anything you see these dreadful proles passing around to each other in shop doorways. My maid left a bottle of the wretched brew behind after I fired her for refusing to sit on my knee for ‘special cuddles’. I tried a sip and promptly regurgitated it all over the Persian rug. The damned stuff tasted like battery acid mixed with Lucozade. No wonder the underclass is so prickly all the time if that’s all they have to drink.”

T4 Presenter Fired For Sincerity
Ebbsfleet soon came into conflict with the show’s producer’s for “Not introducing yet another repeat of ‘Friends’ like he was doing the nation an enormous favour.” His diction also came under fire, as “He would not affect a drawling, bone-idle accent that his colleagues had perfected after years of hoovering gak in some godawful nightspot while a random Geldof played her frigging ipod over the main speakers.”

Home Secretary Completely Loses Plot
Jacqui Smith announced her white paper whilst bouncing on a space hopper with “Heroin is rubbish” scrawled across it in magic marker. The chief Labour whip, when asked to explain her increasingly illogical behaviour, rolled his eyes and said “I know, what’s she like, eh? T’chah.”

Gascoigne ‘No Longer Funny’
Gascoigne has had a eventful life, with many experts dubbing him ‘The most talented England midfielder ever to make an advert with Gary Lineker’. Gascoigne’s England career, in which he scored a whopping one goal more than Colin Bell, is best remembered for the Italia 90 semifinal against Germany. Having been properly punished for something he shouldn’t have actually done, Gascoigne realised he wouldn’t be able to appear in a match England never actually played in. When the true enormity of the hypothetical situation sunk in, Gascoigne famously abandoned the duties he’d been put onto the pitch to do and started crying. Thus a legend was born.

Music Poll Reveals General Public ‘Are Fucking Idiots’
After ‘Definitely Maybe’ came top in Q magazine’s Greatest British Album poll, music expert Larry Ebbsfleet has said “This proves, incontrovertibly, that Great Britain is awash with lumpen, cloth-eared morons who couldn’t spot a tune with three hands and a floodlight.”

Ombudsman Opens Competition For Buying Shite
Tesco have hit back at the news by launching a new customer-loyalty scheme. “In addition to our Tesco Points system, any customer spending more than £30 can get pissed as a raccoon in our booze aisle for free.” said Tesco marketing manager Jay Arthur. “Simply present your till receipt to a member of staff at the drinks aisle and you can get yourself cunted on as much Boddingtons as you like. Seriously, go mad. It’s on us.”

Tube Drivers Demand “A Diamond The Size Of A Rugby Ball”
Negotiations with London Underground drivers broke down last night after RMT representatives demanded “A tropical island near Mauritius, a diamond the size of a human head and diverse other trinkets, sweetmeats and fancies.”

Protesting Commuters Eye New Target
The Customer Affairs spokesman for First Great Western was more pragmatic about today’s protest, however.
“They can get on the fucking trains, pay their fucking fares and keep their fucking mouths shut as far as we’re concerned. If we want to halve the number of carriages, double the fares or force commuters to chew copper wire for the length of their journey then we’ll do it and they’ll fucking well take it.
If they want us to improve our service I suggest they go and try to shit out a diamond. Let’s see what happens first. I’d say they can like it or lump it but in truth they can fucking well loathe it or lump it. We’re here, we’ll do what the fuck we want and there’s tits-all they can do about it, the whining fucking pigs.”

HSBC Ordered To “Go Fuck Themselves”
In his summary, Judge Emsley Fox stated “While Mr Ebbsfleet’s suggestion of hand-shitting may have been unreasonable, it is our finding that HSBC’s actions over the past five years have been unprofessional, intimidatory and in many cases bloody childish. We rule that all charges against Mr Ebbsfleet’s account should be reimbursed forthwith. Furthermore, I order that HSBC go and take a running fuck at themselves, with immediate effect. If they fail to do so, I shall have no hesitation in further ordering that they shove their call centres up their arses.”
Judge Fox also recommended that Natwest should “Fuck right off as well.”

Ofcom Inundated By 'Whole Evening Of Shite' Complaints
"It's like an avalanche of hungry babies hitting a silage plant" he said. "We've turned the phones off but that's not stopped people throwing notes through the windows wrapped around frozen lumps of shit. As I speak, somebody has trained a kestrel to hover outside our office with the word 'wankers' painted on its wings."

Scientist Warns Public To Quit Eating
Dr Charles Ebbsfleet of the DoH stated "Over the years, we've found out that absolutely everything is bad for you – eggs, meat, dairy products, wheat – the lot. You don't even want to fucking know what we found out about carrots the other day. Seriously."

Brook Wins 'Most Wanked Over' Award
At a glitzy, glamorous, star-studded, glitzy, showbiz-studded awards ceremony last night, Kelly Brook was confirmed as Britain 's most wanked-over British female celebrity of 2007.

Monday, 22 December 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Northern Britain “Mostly Appalling” By Early 2009
As the global economic meltdown continues to globally melt downwards, economically, experts have warned that by the middle of next year all of northern England will be “Absolutely wretched”. Ferris Ebbsfleet, Professor of Economics for Knutsford University warned “The last vestiges of Britain’s manufacturing base will be eroded as the downturn continues, and that will inevitably hit the northern England the hardest. With their aversion to daylight, small, malnourished hands and an average wage that wouldn’t buy half a skinny latte in Buckinghamshire, northerners have always been the ideal fodder for your factory.”

But with companies going out of business quicker than recently-deceased prostitute, the existing financial foundation for many northern towns will disappear, leaving them “Utterly appalling” according to Ebbsfleet. “Most of them will be like one of those dreadful Ken Loach films – all sleet and rickets. Apart from some holiday homes in the Lake District, you’ll be able to walk from Stafford to Berwick without encountering a single glottal stop.” Ebbsfleet predicts that the government will have to relocate Hadrian’s Wall 400 miles south to stop marauding gangs of rugby league-supporting yobs invading Home County towns for supplies of bread and dripping.

Christian Groups Condemn “Assisted Suicide Bombing” Group
Fundamentalist Christian group CACK (Christians Against Christian-Killing) have criticised a website that helps victims of terminal diseases choose the moment of their own death in a hail of explosives and shrapnel. “The Bible is clear on the point that killing oneself is a sin” said a CACK spokesperson. “If you happened to spontaneously explode at a military checkpoint, that’s a different matter. But strapping twenty pounds of C4 and wandering around a marketplace in Jerusalem until it rips you apart like an ADD kid’s present on Christmas Day is an offence to god.”

The creator of the assisted suicide bombing website has defended his work, however, stating “We believe it is everybody’s fundamentalist – sorry, fundamental – right to die with quiet dignity surrounded by hundreds of unwitting tourists. Many of the people visiting our site have suffered years of pain living with a progressive, debilitating illness. To me, denying them the right to tear through the lobby of an embassy like a meat grenade is barbaric.”

Queen’s Speech “A Tirade Of Abuse” Says Palace Insider
The Queen’s 2008 Christmas speech is set to be a litany of four-letter words, sexual innuendoes and graphic descriptions of bodily processes, according to a leaked document. “The BBC is going to find itself in further trouble if it’s broadcast uncensored” said the unnamed insider “Especially the part where she says where she’d stick her mace, and what she’d use as a lubricant, if Russell Brand ever tried to prank call her.”

Audiences for the speech have fallen steadily for years since 1996, which saw a record number of viewers watch the Queen suppress giggles as she talked about the death of Diana. “I think she feels that as nobody’s listening any more, she can basically say whatever she wants” continued the insider.

The Queen allegedly uses this opportunity to call David Cameron “Six foot of jumped-up fuck all”, describes the England cricket team as looking like “Ten spastics trying to shoo away a wasp” and dismisses Gordon Brown’s attempts to deal with the recession as “About as effective as me trying to beat out a forest fire using my clit.” The Queen, who apparently swigs from a Glenfiddich bottle throughout the speech, reportedly ends her address by talking to her son Charles directly.
“I would like to take this opportunity to point out what a disappointment you’ve been, Charles” slurs the monarch. “We go to all the trouble of bumping off your last baggage only for you to marry something that looks like a boiled bagpuss. So if you think I’m abdicating you can throw a cock-shaped dart at the moon and hope it hits a bullseye for all the good it will do you. Right, that’s my ten minutes, I’m fucking off. You can stick Eastenders on now, if you want.”

Friday, 19 December 2008

Entire Christmas Top 40 To Consist Of ‘Hallelujah’ Covers

Festive Rundown “Like A Bleak Groundhog Day” Says Dr Fox

The race to be the Christmas Number One single promises to be an especially confusing one this year after it was revealed by chart experts that all of the top 40 spots will be filled by versions of Leonard Cohen’s maudlin sobfest ‘Hallelujah’.

Shouty tearmonger Alexandra Burke is expected to top the charts with her sandblasting of the song, although health and safety experts have warned the public to listen to her single wearing protective earmuffs, preferably while sat two miles away inside a lead-lined shed. “We previously thought Christina Aguilera stubbing her toe during a bukkake party was the loudest voice in existence” said one H&S official “But after taking meter readings of Burke’s performance in the X Factor final, we discovered that standing next to the singer while she’s in full flow is the equivalent of sticking your head inside a Boeing jet engine while Motorhead albums are flung at the spinning blades.”

Non-buoyant ex-alive crooner Jeff Buckley is expected to take the number two spot with his version and Cohen himself is tipped to be in the number three spot, making the Christmas edition of Top Of The Pops “Downright fucking weird” according to pointless DJ Dr Fox. “Normally on the Xmas TOTP, the bands will have a bit of a mess around, maybe drape some tinsel over their drumkit. This year we’re going to have a walking octogenarian suicide note, a waterlogged corpse and a human loud hailer. Roy Wood dyeing his beard red seems like a blessed relief in comparison.”

Forty seven other performers have jumped onto the Hallelujah bandwagon, including perennial yuletide chart infector Cliff Richard, whose version of the song will be spliced with text from Book II of the Corinthians. “At this time of year, I think that any song that raises awareness of religion is pretty cool, yeah?” said Richard over the sound of a bag being emptied. “But hey, that doesn’t mean we can’t rock n roll, okay?”. A sample lyric of Richard’s version is:

“Well, maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
And to pass by you into Macedonia,
And to come again out of Macedonia unto you,
And of you to be brought on my way toward Judaea.”

Other bands releasing versions of Hallelujah are to include The Jonas Brothers’ “Hallelujah (I’ve Still Not Got My Cock Wet)”, Coldplay’s version of ‘Hallelujah’ which Chris Martin claims to have written himself and Bob The Builder’s “Hallelujah – Can We Fix It?”

Thursday, 18 December 2008

Archbishop Breaks Hypocrisy World Record

Dr Williams Wins Golden Pot/Kettle Award

Dr Rowan Williams entered the Guinness Book Of Records today by eclipsing the previously-held record in rank two-faced-ness during a discussion on the credit crunch. The Archbishop was speaking on The Today Program from his residence at Lambeth Palace, which is situated amongst sumptuous grounds and is tended to by dozens of members of staff.

During his talk, Dr Williams stated that the credit crunch was a “Welcome reality check in a climate of unsustainable greed”, a lack of sustainability that he acknowledged was not shared by the Church of England, currently estimated to be worth over four billion pounds.

This, however, was merely a warm up for Dr Williams’ world hypocrisy record attempt, which arrived when he stated that the credit crunch showed that Britain had "accepted the message that it's not possible to have an endless spiral of accumulating wealth that has nothing to do with producing anything".

On hearing Williams’ statement, presenter Evan Davis was heard to fall backwards off his chair in hysterical laughter. Just before he was dragged out of the studio by a producer, Davis was heard to shout at the Archbishop “Not producing anything?! That’s fucking rich coming from a bunch of layabout psychic leeches like you gang of cu…”

Unperturbed by Davis’ outburst, Dr Williams finished with a flourish, adding "I think there are some huge moral lessons to be learnt about the nature of accumulating wealth.” At this point The Today Program had to cut to a pre-recorded segment as Dr Williams’ staggering achievement in bare-faced double standards was so massive it fused several pieces of studio equipment.

The Church Of England’s press department made a short statement regarding Dr Williams’ comments. “As a clergyman of over 30 years, Dr Williams has a great pedigree in displaying mind-boggling levels of hypocrisy” said spokesdeacon Samuel Ebbsfleet. “But with this, he’s really raised the bar. I’d like to see the Catholics top that one. Although if anyone can, I’m sure it would be that lot.”

The Bishop Of Southwark, asked about Dr Williams comments, merely replied “He’s the Archbishop of Canterbury. It’s what he does. And I’m the Bishop of Southwark. It’s what I do. Nowgivvuzapoundforracanofspeshyoufugga….”

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

UK Cinema Audiences “One Big Hen Party”

Odeon To Offer Male Strippers With Block Bookings

After news that Mamma Mia (the turgid musical about one woman’s discovery that her mother was quite the slag back in her youth) became the biggest-grossing film in British box office history, UK distributors are to stop ordering films with swearing, violence or any decent explosions.

“There’s little point in screening something with a really cool serial killer in it if most of the audience are just going to start squealing and asking their partners why they couldn’t have gone to something with Reese Witherspoon in it instead” said UK film person Rank Ebbsfleet.

“The last twelve months have seen the release of some truly excellent films about people wanting to shoot each other or blow each other up. But it seems we’d have been better employed just slinging a load of guff about relationships on the screen.”

Before Mamma Mia, the box office record was previously held by Titanic. “Now that actually showed some promise” said Ebbsfleet. “A big boat sinking would have been the perfect chance to show loads of people dying in excellent, inventive ways. But no, all we got was a sodding love story and Celine Dion. Ten quid to listen to Celine Dion, I ask you. You did get to see Winslet’s bumpers, though, so that was something.”

Following reports of Mamma Mia’s success, the Odeon chain of cinemas have ordered a revamp of its major outlets. From March of next year, discounts will be offered for parties of ten or more wearing tiaras and angel wings, the volume of films will be turned down as “it just doesn’t need to be that loud, for goodness’ sake” and the foyers will offer comfortable seating for shoeless hens to sob about their future spouses.

Film makers also look set to cash in, with Film Four starting production on “You Just Don’t Listen, Do You?”, starring Keira Knightley, Judi Dench and Colin Firth. It advertises itself as “A moving portrait of love lost through the ages, with Colin Firth appearing shirtless for no adequately justified reason in most of the scenes”. The soundtrack, by Dido, is also expected to top the charts.

One company is set to offer an alternative, however, with the opening of their “Wahey!” chain of cinemas. It aims to only show films with a death count of above fifteen, and will promise a high Jason Statham quotient. Interactive buttons in cinema seats will also offer audiences the chance to freeze frame any scenes featuring Jessica Alba drenched in water. Opening in the Spring, its first roster of films will include “Naked Car Chase”, “DeathFucker III” and “BANG!”

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Paris Bomb “Effortlessly Chic” Say Police

Explosives “72% More Likely To Have An Affair”

(A much, much shorter version of this story can be seen at the Daily Mash here: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/)

After five sticks of explosive were found in the exclusive Printemps Haussman boutique in Paris earlier today, French bomb disposal experts have stated that the they were “Clearly superior to any kind of bomb you English could devise. So cool. So stylish. So – how you say? – erotic.”

Bomb expert Jean-Pierre Ebbsfleet, Chief Gendarme of Societie Du Explosiv Perdu stated “We receive the warning letter at 7am and my sergeant he calls me at the apartment where I entertain my many mistresses. So, after a breakfast of delicious coffee and the kind of bread you English could not create in a madman’s dream, I got into my flawlessly tailored police uniform and strolled along the Seine to the boutique, arriving at about 930.”

“The manager of Haussmann, he tells me there is a bomb in his shop. I ask, can he see it now, while he stands on the pavement? He says no. I ask how, then, can he truly know if this bomb, she still exists? After a furious philosophical debate over many Gauloises and better wine than that piss you English drink, I agree to go and look at this bomb of his.”

“I go into his shop and there in the store room are five sticks of explosive whose beauty made me weep. Such lines, such passionate intensity. Maybe for you English, some dirty rucksack filled with fertiliser is enough for a bomb, no? This bomb, she was of another world. I look at this bomb and I say “Today, I will make you truly alive”. I take out the pliers and slowly, gently, I caress the priming cap. Eventually, the wire of the device, she yields to my demands. So, the bomb it is made safe.”

A warning letter was sent to police by previously-unknown terrorist group ARF. It is believed they were demanding “More incredibly sexy wives for French politicians, a 50% increase in the production of brooding, intelligent cinema and a huge wheel of sensational-tasting cheese for every man, woman and child in France.”

French police fear that the attack is just the start of a bombing campaign by the group and have warned “Maybe it is better for you English to stay at home with your rain and your grey food, rather than visiting Paris. We do not wish for your pale, lumpy women to be in any danger, yes? Unless it is your Keira Knightley that wishes to visit. She is, as we say, ‘un ride exceptional’, is she not?”

Monday, 15 December 2008

Police Search For White Bath Tub On Wheels

“Battleaxe Of Hearts” Dies In Mysterious Circumstances

Police have launched a nationwide search for a white tin bath tub on wheels as early indications suggest that it was involved in the death of actress Kathy Staff, better known as Last Of The Summer Wine’s Nora Batty by people who remember watching the show when they were kids but haven’t seen an episode in years.

Ms Staff was admitted into Holmfirth A&E department late last night after her motorised scooter crashed in the Alan Bennett Underpass just outside Holmfirth. It is believed that Staff was still conscious after the collision but did not receive vital first aid.

Several as-yet-unidentified photographers, thought to be on a walking holiday of the Pennines, allegedly stopped to take pictures of the stricken actress (One commenting “It’s that one that used to be in that thing. Crossroads, wasn’t it?”) but did not attempt to give medical assistance.

West Yorkshire Police have issued an early chronology of Ms Staff’s final hours. “Kathy Staff left the Leeds Hilton accompanied by her care worker Henry Pallett at 1030pm” said Inspector Charles Ebbsfleet.

“Although CCTV footage shows Mr Pallett behaving in a composed manner, subsequent blood tests indicate he had consumed at least three halves of John Smiths. There were also traces of Sanatogen present. We cannot confirm whether this contributed to the fatal accident.”Ebbsfleet’s report then stated that Ms Staff’s motorscooter was pursued by autograph hunters along Dunford Road at speeds exceeding 6 mph before entering the Alan Bennett tunnel. A local resident has reported seeing bright flashes from the tunnel, possibly a Snappy Snaps disposable camera.

But police are most interested to hear from the drivers of a converted tin bath, painted white, seen leaving the tunnel at the time of the accident. “The drivers of this madcap vehicle need to contact us as soon as possible” said Ebbsfleet. A description of the drivers was released and police are looking for three white males, aged approximately 83, wearing tweed.

The internet is already alive with conspiracy theories into Staff’s death, but the most popular points the finger at the highest reaches of the establishment. This theory claims that senior managers within the BBC wanted Staff dead after hearing rumours she intended to marry Arthur Knutsford, a woman’s outfitter from Huddersfield. “The BBC could not allow Nora Batty to wed a man who had access to properly-fitted hosiery. Thirty years of tradition would crumble if she were seen with unwrinkled stockings. So they killed our Kathy.”

The Holmfirth Tea Room has opened a book of condolence and upwards of six floral tributes have already been laid outside.

Friday, 12 December 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Degenerate ‘Not Killed By Other Degenerates’
Metropolitan Police have confirmed that convicted paedophile Andrew Cunningham has been brutally murdered by as-yet-unknown ordinary, moral, upstanding members of the public who know right from wrong and just want to see a bit of justice for our Maddie.

Met spokesperson Jasper Ebbsfleet confirmed that the vicious attack, which included stab wounds to the head, neck, chest and genitals, was most likely the work of somebody “Trying to stab the paedophilia out of Mr Cunningham. It’s a widely-suspected fact that paedophilia lurks in the groinal region and we imagine this was a well-meaning intervention that got out of hand. I would hate for the public to think that anybody willing to sustain a frenzied knife holocaust on somebody’s happysack might have some serious, deep-seated issues of their own.”

Police are placing adverts in The Sun and The Daily Mail, asking every reader to turn themselves in for questioning.

Christmas Post To Go Unstolen
After a ballot of its members, the Commerical Workers Union have confirmed that 2,000 Royal Mail sorting office staff are to go on strike from December 19th, leaving thousands of Christmas gifts to sit in warehouses, rather than being sold in nearby pubs by posties. The industrial action, prompted by proposed office closures, will affect post in Stockport, Bolton and Liverpool. Experts claim these locations were chosen by union members as they are key areas for parcel tampering.

Royal Mail have responded by stating they will draft in temporary workers to steal the public’s cash, gift vouchers and presents, but Union representative Bob Knutsford claims that unskilled workers cannot hope to replicate the level of pilfering achieved by qualified sorters.

“A temp might rip open something that looks like a card or pick up a box to rattle” said Knutsford “But our members have had years of experience in spotting the telltale signs of something valuable inside – if it’s heavily taped-up, has a return address in Surrey or if it’s addressed to somebody called “Rupert” for instance.”

“ Meat Hook Sodomy Lane” Unveiled
After 13 roads in Dartford, birthplace of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger, were renamed after Rolling Stones songs, the US town of Buffalo has followed suit. The death metal group Cannibal Corpse were raised in Buffalo and council members have voted overwhelmingly to rename several streets in the group’s honour.

“Lark Street will now be known as Rancid Amputation Boulevard and Willow Road is now called Entrails Ripped From A Virgin’s Cunt Mews” said the town’s mayor. “We think it will really make our town stand out as a tourist location, especially for pale, socially inept teenage boys with a penchant for horror movies and trenchcoats.”

Gerry Rafferty’s claim that Baker Street in Paisley, birthplace of the busker’s favourite, was named after his 1978 hit, has been dismissed by local as “Absolute pish”.

Britain Votes For New Supermarket Opener

“A Whole World Of Cruise Ships Awaits” Says Cowell

Tomorrow will see the much-anticipated finale of X Factor 2008, in which 3 acts will vie for the crown of “Person Who’s Not Bad At Singing Somebody Else’s Songs” 2008.

The show started way back in January as the X Factor team trawled the country for the potential Next Big Thing alongside several hundred thousand deluded retards who could barely read the waiver form they dragged their thumbprint across.

Millions of viewers leaned forward in their seats, anticipating yet another moon-faced dullard keening their way through Celine Dion, then blinking with incomprehension as the quartet of life’s lottery winners fired scorn at their ludicrously overambitious aspirations.

An estimated 4,500 gallons of hot, chip-scented tears have been wept by rejected candidates as they galumphed out of the auditions, their slack-faced brood of family & friends swarming around them like a locust storm of tragedy, while they muttered incoherent threats over their pale, flabby shoulders at the judges.

Eventually the wheat was sorted from the genetic and societal chaff and twelve finalists were picked on the basis of talent, attitude and ability to be impressed with the prospect of meeting Mariah Carey. The faint stool of hope was then kicked from under the feet of nine more contestants each week, leaving them dangling on the noose of thwarted ambition for some compelling television. This resulted in tomorrow night’s three finalists, who are:

Alexandra Burke: The Woolworths Whitney Houston has impressed the public by being able to sing so loudly the picture frames in their living rooms rattle even when the television is switched off. Easily-impressed viewers have mistaken this for vocal range and have backed her all the way through to Saturday’s show. Her nondescript good looks and bland affability might just be enough to pass for star quality and see her win through.

JLS: What would have happened if Boyz II Men never rehearsed, JLS have graced the competition with their vaguely-approximate harmony singing and innovative image, with each band member having their own ‘signature colour’. “If only the Beatles had assigned a colour to each band member” twittered JLS mentor Louis Walsh from atop a pile of Lucky Charms “They could have really hit the big time.”

Eoghan Quigg: The puffy-faced anagram and singing foetus has won the nation’s affections by attaining an almost zen level of mediocrity. Nipple-trousered mentor Simon Cowell has claimed his protégé’s dedication to bland neutrality has greatly impressed him. “Eoe…Oweee…the lad’s ability to be not especially noticeable in every facet of his existence is incredible” said Cowell. “Normally boys his age will be remarkable or distinctive in some manner – acne, piercings, spontaneous, unwanted erections. But he’s so astoundingly nothing, I’ve found myself forgetting who it is I’m speaking to halfway through a conversation with him.”

The winner of tomorrow’s final will have their version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” released as a single, with most of the proceeds used to file restraining orders against irate Cohen fans intent on throttling whomever the singer may be. As an interesting side-note, production of the single will be carbon-neutral as the pressing plant will be powered from a dynamo attached to Jeff Buckley’s spinning corpse.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Mugabe Blames Zimbabwe Deaths On Flu

“There’s A Bug Going Round, I Think” Says Murderous Lunatic

Following nearly 800 reported deaths due to a cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has told reporters “There is no such thing as cholera, as any sane person will tell you. All those dead people had that nasty flu bug that has been going around. Half of my office has called in sick with it, you know.”

Mugabe stated that cholera was invented in the 1930s by Walt Disney as a way of explaining the high turnover of staff amongst his animators. The President claims that the Disney creator had an irrational fear of sideburns and would beat hirsute employees over the head with a shovel, bury them in his yard and claim they had fallen victim to the ‘fictitious’ disease. “It’s true” he asserted. “Anyone who could dream up the pink elephants bit in ‘Dumbo’ could easily come up with a fictional disease, too. He was one crazy bastard, let me tell you.”

Mugabe, seemingly taking prompts for his speech from a stuffed Buzz Lightyear doll sat on a high chair next to him, continued “This so-called cholera epidemic is an invention of the west. They want to come over here, invade our beautiful country and appropriate my collection of Pogs for their own ends.” Mugabe added “You have Mad Cow disease in Britain. So do you say Britain should be invaded?” A clearly uncomfortable Gordon Brown responded to Mugabe’s comments by saying “That mad wee yankee fuck only has a couple o’ months in office. Dinnae be giving him no ideas, y’scunner”.

Mugabe’s claims are just the latest in series of unhinged utterances. The recent discovery of 42 bullet-ridden corpses in a mass grave just outside of Bulawayo was dismissed by Mugabe as “A misunderstanding. They were 42 very lazy workers who local farmers tried to wake up by firing guns near them. Sadly, all 42 got in the way of the bullets and fell into a ditch. The impact caused a nearby pile of earth to fall on top of them, causing them to be buried. Perfectly simple explanation. Now, which one of you has been licking all my spoons again? Heads will roll, my friends!!!”

World Health Organisation person Iain Ebbsfleet stated that Mugabe’s stance on the cholera epidemic was “Dangerous, irresponsible and mad as a bear with an itchy fucking arse. Have you ever watched him on the telly? He can’t even blink both eyes at the same time. Jesus.” When asked what the WHO intended to do regarding the crisis, he replied “1/8th of fuck all, pal. Wander into a lawless country ruled by a heavily-armed psychopath with only a bag full of inoculations for protection? He may be off his sodding chump, but I’m not. No, I’m waiting for a typhoid outbreak in the Maldives. Now there’s a health crisis I can get behind.”

Williams To Come Back As Apprentice For Take That

“Let’s See How His 6-Month Review Goes” Says Barlow

After Robbie Williams revealed his desire to rejoin housewife gusset-moisteners Take That, nominal head of the group gary Barlow has said “It would be great to have Robbie back working for us, but obviously that would be subject to a six month trial period where we can review his progress in key areas such as singing, dancing, modelling mid-price clothing ranges and not admitting to being gay.”

Williams made the announcement from his £7M Los Angeles mansion bought from the proceeds of his record-breaking £80M advance from EMI in 2002. “It would be great to work with the boys again” said Williams. “Gary, Mark, the one who looks like Willem Defoe recovering from crack addiction, the other one.”

“I have very happy memories of my time in Take That. Although outward appearances might suggest I always felt somehow being above getting interviewed by Smash Hits and opening swimming pools in Knutsford despite being little more than a tubby Butlins redcoat.”

However, Williams admitted that the main reason for wanting to rejoin the group was “The frankly ridiculous amount of money I owe EMI. That 80 large they gave me, that wasn’t just a present, you know. They were expecting that back in album sales. And ‘Rudebox’ barely paid for last month’s interest on the debt. Why I thought anybody would want to listen to a gobby foetus from Stoke rapping is anybody’s guess”.

“So when I saw the lads on the Christmas M&S adverts, I thought ‘Fuck this for a game of cock-tennis, I’ll have a wedge of that’ and got in touch.”

Barlow has outlined how Williams might be brought back into the Take That fold. “To begin with, we’d expect him to take on all the junior workload. Any TV appearances in Eastern Europe would be his responsibility and in the videos, he’d be asked to gaze appreciatively at me while I croon my latest batch of six-form stanzas.”

For Take That’s live shows, Williams would initially be pelted by the rest of the group with raw liver, three-pin plugs and contaminated medical waste. Pending satisfactory one-to-ones with Barlow, who would assume the role of Williams’ line manager, he may be allowed to thank the audience for coming between a couple of songs.

“Ultimately, it’ll all be down to his six-month review whether he stays permanently” said Barlow. “These are difficult times and very few firms are taking on new staff. For the price of hiring Robbie, we could have gotten three-quarters of East 17. No, we’ll have to see how it goes and we’ll also have to see who’s the useless fat twat now, won’t we?”

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

“Well Obviously ‘Porn’ As Well”, Say Google

Top Ten Search Terms Published

Google have released their top ten search queries of 2008, with ‘Facebook’, ‘Youtube’ and ‘BBC’ topping the UK list. “This shows that we’re the search engine of choice for listless, disaffected office workers counting down the hours until their company is swallowed up like a cold, unregarded planet by the ravenous black hole of global economy” said Google person Higgs Ebbsfleet.

The search engine is the most widely-used on the planet. It employs a number of complicated algorithms, word-recognition software and constant scanning of web content before displaying the websites of whomever has paid them the most money. “When it comes to accuracy, Google is second to none in showing the user which firm has thrown the most cash our way” said Ebbsfleet.

The company were quick to answer criticism that their poll findings were inaccurate, with Ebbsfleet stating “We’ve left off the more obvious terms, otherwise the top ten would look like the thought patterns of teenage erotomaniac wanking their way down the Reeperbahn whilst snorting Viagra.” Some of terms left out of the survey included “Porn”, “Anal”, “Teen Anal”, “Dry Dutch Clam Farming” and “Free Porn”.

“Although the internet is now the mainstream platform regarding the dissemination of sports, entertainment, information and news across the globe, 98% of it is still a pink globulous mass of bodily fluids and moustaches” admitted Ebbsfleet.

Google also published the ten fastest-rising global queries of 2008, with the term ‘Sarah Palin’ just beating the term “Soulless Fundamentalist Hate-Fuck” onto the list. Other inclusions were “Euro 2008”, “Jonas Brothers” and “Publicity Masquerading As News”.

It was estimated that somebody asked Google a question approximately 400 million times a day, which is 5,391 times more often than people asked themselves whether they could be doing something a lot more fruitful with their lives than looking at another limb entering another orifice ill-suited to the purpose.

When asked what terms he predicted would make it into the 2009 top ten, Ebbsfleet stated “It depends on so many factors – global politics, the newest boy band, sporting events and so on – but if I were a gambling man, I’d say the phrase “Obama Assassination” was a fairly safe bet.”

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Government To Nationalise Clarkson

“If This £20M Takeover Was A Car, It Would Be An Enzo” Boasts Darling

As the motoring industry posted a 37% downturn on cars sold compared with November 2007, the government has stepped in with an emergency buyout of Jeremy Clarkson. A controlling share of the 48-year-old writer, presenter and bigot was purchased by the treasury last night at a cost of £20M.

“We hope to revitalise the car-purchasing giant by an injection of much-needed money. We appreciate, as it’s your money we’re spending, that it’s probably much-needed by you too, but the cheque has been cashed now so there’s very little we can do about it” said Darling this morning.

While Clarkson will remain nominally in control of himself regarding day-to-day issues such as styling his 1980s footballer hair, the government’s 51% share will allow them to intervene in key decisions. “Government control will ensure that Clarkson remains focussed on his key responsibilities – buying lots of cars he doesn’t really need in an attempt to shore up his understandably fragile ego and encouraging others to do the same” said one treasury spokesman.

It is claimed that the furore over Clarkson’s recent jibes at lorry drivers, his frequent homophobic remarks and every item of clothing he has bought since 1992 could have been avoided under governmental control.

The Top Gear presenter met with the press outside his Chipping Norton home to discuss the government buyout. “Now that I belong to Alistair Darling, I don’t want everyone to feel I’ve become slightly beige, somewhat beardy, a little – how can I put it? - light in the wrist area. For that reason I’m going to drive this little beauty” – at this point he indicated a Scorpion tank parked in his driveway – “all the way to France…then blow up some sheep.” He then went on explain that his two Top Gear co-presenters would be racing him to France on a tandem bike and good-naturedly jesting about what an odious heap of dung he is.

Alistair Darling defended Clarkson’s latest stunt, stating “We knew when we took over Clarkson that it would be a controversial purchase. But we’re confident that he’ll soon be re-energising the British car industry by tearing around an air-field in a Morgan sports car and making tortuous similes about how fast it corners.”

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

“Don’t Hurry Back” Obama Tells Clinton

President Elect To “Muddle Through Without Hillary”

On the day Barack Obama named Hillary Clinton as his Secretary Of State when he takes office next year, the president elect said “This is a vital role in a new government dedicated to change. We need somebody who will travel to some of the most dangerous places on the planet and will often be away for months at a time. As soon as I read that job description, I immediately thought of Mrs Clinton.”

As America waits to see whether Obama lives up to his election promises, he has already announced a radical and intensive timetable for his Secretary Of State. “I don’t want to see her anywhere near the White House for at least 18 months” Obama told journalists. “She can send me postcards if she likes, but I’ll be warning US border patrols not to let her back into the US until late 2010 at the earliest.”

“The world is a dangerous, troubled and frightening place and I feel America has a responsibility to engage with these countries as closely as possible” continued Obama. “For that reason, I have compiled a list of the twenty most troubled spots on Earth and Hillary will be going to them all. Sierra Leone, Afghanistan, East Timor – the lot. If there’s a place where amphetamine-fuelled teenagers roam the countryside armed with machetes and AK47s, then I want Mrs Clinton to be there to meet them.”

Concerned with America’s image abroad as a bullying, polluting big brother, Obama has also decreed that Mrs Clinton must use local transport when travelling abroad and has not been allocated any security personnel. “I think the world is tired of seeing Americans arriving in their country armed to the teeth, throwing their weight around” he said “So for that reason, Hillary’s not even going to be allowed to carry a steel comb when she meets with some of the world’s most violent despots.”

Hillary Clinton has yet to comment on her new role, but one insider claims she reacted by saying “So while I’m ducking bullets in some fly-strewn hellhole, he’s smiling for the cameras and shaking hands with Bono. Great. Meanwhile, Bill’s probably going to be elbow-deep in chubby secretary poon. I hate politics.”

Monday, 1 December 2008

Offenders To Wear ‘Payback, Mothafucka’ Vest

Latest Step In Restorative Baadaass Justice

Starting in January 2009, offenders completing community service orders will have to do so wearing a series of high-visibility vests that punk them like a bitch. The dayglo orange tabards will carry phrases such as “Pick That Shit Up, Fool”, “Don’t Make Me Remand Your Ass All Up In Custody” and “You Some Weak, Repeat-Offending Bitch”.

Jack Straw, Ultimate Harbinger Of Truth & Justice In Albion, defended the scheme, stating “The government feels that there should be a real sense of shame in criminal activity and the punishment should reflect that. I have been holding talks with my American colleague Sweeeet Nathan Brown who advised me that my momma didn’t raise no weak-ass minister and I should make any trifling menial criminal show a brother some respect.”

The ‘Vest Of Shame’ scheme is the first tier of funky restorative justice planned by Straw. Tougher measures proposed include assaulting recidivists using cumbersome, badly performed kung fu and laying some beat down on them with a belt until they recognise who their respective daddies are.

Shami Chakrabarti, the inappropriately cute midget gem and director of human rights group Liberty, has issued a note of caution regarding Straw’s plans, stating “Big pimp restorative justice schemes have been tried in other countries with limited success. Last year, Germany abandoned its “Ich Bein HERR Tibbs” scheme after it was shown that chasing down offenders in 1970 Chevys was both costly and time-consuming.”

“Liberty feel that a more progressive approach to rehabilitating offenders can be seen in Australia with their RomCom program. Under the Australian model, criminals are offered an alternative to custodial sentences by being introduced to another offender whom they initially find completely romantically unsuitable. Over the course of the three-month scheme the offenders are re-integrated into society via a montage of scenes showing the two offenders growing to value each other’s company and eventually falling in love. Cute animals or disabled kids can also be employed to facilitate the transition.”

“The precarious part of the scheme is usually just before its completion, where the two offenders are made to fall out with each other. This is typically down to a misunderstanding over a missed phone call or something. But if the scheme is followed to its completion, previously hardcore recidivists can be expected to walk into a sunset accompanied by Harry Connick Jr singing Sinatra. It really is a very moving form of restorative justice.”