Friday, 12 December 2008

Britain Votes For New Supermarket Opener

“A Whole World Of Cruise Ships Awaits” Says Cowell

Tomorrow will see the much-anticipated finale of X Factor 2008, in which 3 acts will vie for the crown of “Person Who’s Not Bad At Singing Somebody Else’s Songs” 2008.

The show started way back in January as the X Factor team trawled the country for the potential Next Big Thing alongside several hundred thousand deluded retards who could barely read the waiver form they dragged their thumbprint across.

Millions of viewers leaned forward in their seats, anticipating yet another moon-faced dullard keening their way through Celine Dion, then blinking with incomprehension as the quartet of life’s lottery winners fired scorn at their ludicrously overambitious aspirations.

An estimated 4,500 gallons of hot, chip-scented tears have been wept by rejected candidates as they galumphed out of the auditions, their slack-faced brood of family & friends swarming around them like a locust storm of tragedy, while they muttered incoherent threats over their pale, flabby shoulders at the judges.

Eventually the wheat was sorted from the genetic and societal chaff and twelve finalists were picked on the basis of talent, attitude and ability to be impressed with the prospect of meeting Mariah Carey. The faint stool of hope was then kicked from under the feet of nine more contestants each week, leaving them dangling on the noose of thwarted ambition for some compelling television. This resulted in tomorrow night’s three finalists, who are:

Alexandra Burke: The Woolworths Whitney Houston has impressed the public by being able to sing so loudly the picture frames in their living rooms rattle even when the television is switched off. Easily-impressed viewers have mistaken this for vocal range and have backed her all the way through to Saturday’s show. Her nondescript good looks and bland affability might just be enough to pass for star quality and see her win through.

JLS: What would have happened if Boyz II Men never rehearsed, JLS have graced the competition with their vaguely-approximate harmony singing and innovative image, with each band member having their own ‘signature colour’. “If only the Beatles had assigned a colour to each band member” twittered JLS mentor Louis Walsh from atop a pile of Lucky Charms “They could have really hit the big time.”

Eoghan Quigg: The puffy-faced anagram and singing foetus has won the nation’s affections by attaining an almost zen level of mediocrity. Nipple-trousered mentor Simon Cowell has claimed his protégé’s dedication to bland neutrality has greatly impressed him. “Eoe…Oweee…the lad’s ability to be not especially noticeable in every facet of his existence is incredible” said Cowell. “Normally boys his age will be remarkable or distinctive in some manner – acne, piercings, spontaneous, unwanted erections. But he’s so astoundingly nothing, I’ve found myself forgetting who it is I’m speaking to halfway through a conversation with him.”

The winner of tomorrow’s final will have their version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” released as a single, with most of the proceeds used to file restraining orders against irate Cohen fans intent on throttling whomever the singer may be. As an interesting side-note, production of the single will be carbon-neutral as the pressing plant will be powered from a dynamo attached to Jeff Buckley’s spinning corpse.

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