“Well Obviously ‘Porn’ As Well”, Say Google

Top Ten Search Terms Published

Google have released their top ten search queries of 2008, with ‘Facebook’, ‘Youtube’ and ‘BBC’ topping the UK list. “This shows that we’re the search engine of choice for listless, disaffected office workers counting down the hours until their company is swallowed up like a cold, unregarded planet by the ravenous black hole of global economy” said Google person Higgs Ebbsfleet.

The search engine is the most widely-used on the planet. It employs a number of complicated algorithms, word-recognition software and constant scanning of web content before displaying the websites of whomever has paid them the most money. “When it comes to accuracy, Google is second to none in showing the user which firm has thrown the most cash our way” said Ebbsfleet.

The company were quick to answer criticism that their poll findings were inaccurate, with Ebbsfleet stating “We’ve left off the more obvious terms, otherwise the top ten would look like the thought patterns of teenage erotomaniac wanking their way down the Reeperbahn whilst snorting Viagra.” Some of terms left out of the survey included “Porn”, “Anal”, “Teen Anal”, “Dry Dutch Clam Farming” and “Free Porn”.

“Although the internet is now the mainstream platform regarding the dissemination of sports, entertainment, information and news across the globe, 98% of it is still a pink globulous mass of bodily fluids and moustaches” admitted Ebbsfleet.

Google also published the ten fastest-rising global queries of 2008, with the term ‘Sarah Palin’ just beating the term “Soulless Fundamentalist Hate-Fuck” onto the list. Other inclusions were “Euro 2008”, “Jonas Brothers” and “Publicity Masquerading As News”.

It was estimated that somebody asked Google a question approximately 400 million times a day, which is 5,391 times more often than people asked themselves whether they could be doing something a lot more fruitful with their lives than looking at another limb entering another orifice ill-suited to the purpose.

When asked what terms he predicted would make it into the 2009 top ten, Ebbsfleet stated “It depends on so many factors – global politics, the newest boy band, sporting events and so on – but if I were a gambling man, I’d say the phrase “Obama Assassination” was a fairly safe bet.”