Paris Bomb “Effortlessly Chic” Say Police

Explosives “72% More Likely To Have An Affair”

(A much, much shorter version of this story can be seen at the Daily Mash here: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/)

After five sticks of explosive were found in the exclusive Printemps Haussman boutique in Paris earlier today, French bomb disposal experts have stated that the they were “Clearly superior to any kind of bomb you English could devise. So cool. So stylish. So – how you say? – erotic.”

Bomb expert Jean-Pierre Ebbsfleet, Chief Gendarme of Societie Du Explosiv Perdu stated “We receive the warning letter at 7am and my sergeant he calls me at the apartment where I entertain my many mistresses. So, after a breakfast of delicious coffee and the kind of bread you English could not create in a madman’s dream, I got into my flawlessly tailored police uniform and strolled along the Seine to the boutique, arriving at about 930.”

“The manager of Haussmann, he tells me there is a bomb in his shop. I ask, can he see it now, while he stands on the pavement? He says no. I ask how, then, can he truly know if this bomb, she still exists? After a furious philosophical debate over many Gauloises and better wine than that piss you English drink, I agree to go and look at this bomb of his.”

“I go into his shop and there in the store room are five sticks of explosive whose beauty made me weep. Such lines, such passionate intensity. Maybe for you English, some dirty rucksack filled with fertiliser is enough for a bomb, no? This bomb, she was of another world. I look at this bomb and I say “Today, I will make you truly alive”. I take out the pliers and slowly, gently, I caress the priming cap. Eventually, the wire of the device, she yields to my demands. So, the bomb it is made safe.”

A warning letter was sent to police by previously-unknown terrorist group ARF. It is believed they were demanding “More incredibly sexy wives for French politicians, a 50% increase in the production of brooding, intelligent cinema and a huge wheel of sensational-tasting cheese for every man, woman and child in France.”

French police fear that the attack is just the start of a bombing campaign by the group and have warned “Maybe it is better for you English to stay at home with your rain and your grey food, rather than visiting Paris. We do not wish for your pale, lumpy women to be in any danger, yes? Unless it is your Keira Knightley that wishes to visit. She is, as we say, ‘un ride exceptional’, is she not?”