Monday, 1 December 2008

Offenders To Wear ‘Payback, Mothafucka’ Vest

Latest Step In Restorative Baadaass Justice

Starting in January 2009, offenders completing community service orders will have to do so wearing a series of high-visibility vests that punk them like a bitch. The dayglo orange tabards will carry phrases such as “Pick That Shit Up, Fool”, “Don’t Make Me Remand Your Ass All Up In Custody” and “You Some Weak, Repeat-Offending Bitch”.

Jack Straw, Ultimate Harbinger Of Truth & Justice In Albion, defended the scheme, stating “The government feels that there should be a real sense of shame in criminal activity and the punishment should reflect that. I have been holding talks with my American colleague Sweeeet Nathan Brown who advised me that my momma didn’t raise no weak-ass minister and I should make any trifling menial criminal show a brother some respect.”

The ‘Vest Of Shame’ scheme is the first tier of funky restorative justice planned by Straw. Tougher measures proposed include assaulting recidivists using cumbersome, badly performed kung fu and laying some beat down on them with a belt until they recognise who their respective daddies are.

Shami Chakrabarti, the inappropriately cute midget gem and director of human rights group Liberty, has issued a note of caution regarding Straw’s plans, stating “Big pimp restorative justice schemes have been tried in other countries with limited success. Last year, Germany abandoned its “Ich Bein HERR Tibbs” scheme after it was shown that chasing down offenders in 1970 Chevys was both costly and time-consuming.”

“Liberty feel that a more progressive approach to rehabilitating offenders can be seen in Australia with their RomCom program. Under the Australian model, criminals are offered an alternative to custodial sentences by being introduced to another offender whom they initially find completely romantically unsuitable. Over the course of the three-month scheme the offenders are re-integrated into society via a montage of scenes showing the two offenders growing to value each other’s company and eventually falling in love. Cute animals or disabled kids can also be employed to facilitate the transition.”

“The precarious part of the scheme is usually just before its completion, where the two offenders are made to fall out with each other. This is typically down to a misunderstanding over a missed phone call or something. But if the scheme is followed to its completion, previously hardcore recidivists can be expected to walk into a sunset accompanied by Harry Connick Jr singing Sinatra. It really is a very moving form of restorative justice.”

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