Offenders To Wear ‘Payback, Mothafucka’ Vest

Latest Step In Restorative Baadaass Justice

Starting in January 2009, offenders completing community service orders will have to do so wearing a series of high-visibility vests that punk them like a bitch. The dayglo orange tabards will carry phrases such as “Pick That Shit Up, Fool”, “Don’t Make Me Remand Your Ass All Up In Custody” and “You Some Weak, Repeat-Offending Bitch”.

Jack Straw, Ultimate Harbinger Of Truth & Justice In Albion, defended the scheme, stating “The government feels that there should be a real sense of shame in criminal activity and the punishment should reflect that. I have been holding talks with my American colleague Sweeeet Nathan Brown who advised me that my momma didn’t raise no weak-ass minister and I should make any trifling menial criminal show a brother some respect.”

The ‘Vest Of Shame’ scheme is the first tier of funky restorative justice planned by Straw. Tougher measures proposed include assaulting recidivists using cumbersome, badly performed kung fu and laying some beat down on them with a belt until they recognise who their respective daddies are.

Shami Chakrabarti, the inappropriately cute midget gem and director of human rights group Liberty, has issued a note of caution regarding Straw’s plans, stating “Big pimp restorative justice schemes have been tried in other countries with limited success. Last year, Germany abandoned its “Ich Bein HERR Tibbs” scheme after it was shown that chasing down offenders in 1970 Chevys was both costly and time-consuming.”

“Liberty feel that a more progressive approach to rehabilitating offenders can be seen in Australia with their RomCom program. Under the Australian model, criminals are offered an alternative to custodial sentences by being introduced to another offender whom they initially find completely romantically unsuitable. Over the course of the three-month scheme the offenders are re-integrated into society via a montage of scenes showing the two offenders growing to value each other’s company and eventually falling in love. Cute animals or disabled kids can also be employed to facilitate the transition.”

“The precarious part of the scheme is usually just before its completion, where the two offenders are made to fall out with each other. This is typically down to a misunderstanding over a missed phone call or something. But if the scheme is followed to its completion, previously hardcore recidivists can be expected to walk into a sunset accompanied by Harry Connick Jr singing Sinatra. It really is a very moving form of restorative justice.”

46% Of Adults “Never Seen A Child”

“Are They Some Breed Of Deer?” Ask Poll Subjects

A recent survey by Barnardo’s showed that 46% of British adults are not petrified into a shivering funk of terror at the thought of encountering a swarm of barely-coherent youths high on glue & WKD on some blood-sodden street corner.

This has prompted Dale Ebbsfleet, who conducted the survey on the charity’s behalf, to conclude “We can only assume that these people have never actually met any children. Either that or they were so traumatised by their last encounter that they foolishly consider children to be twinkle-eyed Enid Blyton-esque creations who’d never dream of breaking into your flat, shitting on your couch and pinching anything narrow enough to fit through the doors of Cash Converters.”

However, Barnardo’s have cautioned against demonising Britain’s youth, claiming the vast majority of teenagers are “Decent and caring” and that terms like “Feral & Vermin” should be avoided.

This view was contested by Jez Template, whose Knutsford corner shop has been the target of 347 youth-related crimes since October. “Decent and caring, you say?” asked Template. “Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. If you’d have said “Hormonally driven to drink, hump, stab or steal everything they can get their hands on” then I’d have known who you were talking about. Only last week I had a pair of little twatters come into the shop. They set fire to a copy of ‘Razzle’, fucked the ashes, then pocketed the charred remains.”

When asked what alternative terms should be used to describe the youths who have targeted his shop, Template replied “Well if they won’t let me call them feral vermin I’m going to have to go for “Inexcusable shitheaps”. Is that okay? Anyway, I’m going to have to go. A bunch of twelve year olds are stabbing up my greeting card display for disrespecting them.”

But Barnardo’s continue to assert that many problem children have issues at home that drive them into criminal activity. One spokesperson stated “A lack of parental control, undiagnosed learning difficulties, even a poor diet can all contribute to antisocial behaviour. That and the fact they’re a bunch of amoral shitehawks.”

Test Tube Baby Killed In Gang Shooting

“He Literally Had His Whole Life Ahead Of Him” Says Weeping Mother

The number of youths killed in gang-related violence increased by one yesterday, as well as sending their average age spiralling downwards, as a test tube baby was gunned down in an East London fertility clinic.

Met police say that in the early hours of Tuesday morning, Cheese Ebbsfleet was with a group of other test tube babies in Samples, a notorious Drum n Bass fertility clinic in Hackney, when a gang of test tube babies burst in, spraying the room with bullets believed to have been fired from a semi-automatic weapon.

A cleaner, who did not wish to be named, was working in the clinic on the night of the killing and described the series of events immediately before the shooting. “I was just wiping down the freezers when I heard clinking, which I now realise was the sound of test tubes barging their way into the clinic. The next thing I know I hear gunshots."

Ebbsfleet was shot several times and is believed to have died at the scene of his injuries. No other embryos were hurt in the shooting. Police have urged for calm in the zygote community and are on full alert for the possibility of revenge killings.

“Ebbsfleet was part of a local pre-birth gang known as the Pyrex Warriors” said Met person Gregg Knutsford. “Early questioning of his associates suggests the attack happened after he had stolen a petri dish belonging to a rival gang calling themselves IVF Cru.”

The four assailants have been described by police as being “Approximately 12 days old, pink, wearing protective clothing made of agar gel.” Flowers were laid at the scene of the shooting this morning bearing messages such as “Cheese – Bad Congregation Of Cells Of Undetermined Gender 4 Life” and “Miscarriage Of Justice”

Ebbsfleet’s potential mother was being consoled by family and friends but released a short statement. “Cheese was a good eukaryote and would never hurt anyone. My womb is still the way I left it ready for his implantation. I can’t bear to look at it now.”