Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Test Tube Baby Killed In Gang Shooting

“He Literally Had His Whole Life Ahead Of Him” Says Weeping Mother

The number of youths killed in gang-related violence increased by one yesterday, as well as sending their average age spiralling downwards, as a test tube baby was gunned down in an East London fertility clinic.

Met police say that in the early hours of Tuesday morning, Cheese Ebbsfleet was with a group of other test tube babies in Samples, a notorious Drum n Bass fertility clinic in Hackney, when a gang of test tube babies burst in, spraying the room with bullets believed to have been fired from a semi-automatic weapon.

A cleaner, who did not wish to be named, was working in the clinic on the night of the killing and described the series of events immediately before the shooting. “I was just wiping down the freezers when I heard clinking, which I now realise was the sound of test tubes barging their way into the clinic. The next thing I know I hear gunshots."

Ebbsfleet was shot several times and is believed to have died at the scene of his injuries. No other embryos were hurt in the shooting. Police have urged for calm in the zygote community and are on full alert for the possibility of revenge killings.

“Ebbsfleet was part of a local pre-birth gang known as the Pyrex Warriors” said Met person Gregg Knutsford. “Early questioning of his associates suggests the attack happened after he had stolen a petri dish belonging to a rival gang calling themselves IVF Cru.”

The four assailants have been described by police as being “Approximately 12 days old, pink, wearing protective clothing made of agar gel.” Flowers were laid at the scene of the shooting this morning bearing messages such as “Cheese – Bad Congregation Of Cells Of Undetermined Gender 4 Life” and “Miscarriage Of Justice”

Ebbsfleet’s potential mother was being consoled by family and friends but released a short statement. “Cheese was a good eukaryote and would never hurt anyone. My womb is still the way I left it ready for his implantation. I can’t bear to look at it now.”