Friday, 29 August 2008

Millions To Be Arrested For Brown Assassination Plans

“Another Penny On Fags And He’d Be Dead” Says Met Chief

Following the arrest of three suspects in the North West for printing death threats about Gordon Brown, police forces across the UK are bracing themselves for over half the country to be similarly detained in the coming weeks.

Police person Jason Ebbsfleet explained “The three men currently charged had made no actual plot to kill Gordon Brown, they’d simply written on a website that they would like to see him dead. Following the logic that spoken threats carry as much weight as written threats, I can only assume that come the end of September anybody who drives a car, has a mortgage, goes to work or eats food will be banged up for similar sentiments.”

The three initial terror suspects were arrested after articles were printed on an extremist website. The comments have now been removed but are understood to have read:

“Mr Brown. Two-thirds of my relatives abroad are dead, have had to flee their homes, or are walking around with chunks of Brimstone missile sticking out of their foreheads. Pack it in, there’s a chap, or I’ll kill you. PS Praise Allah and all that.”

Police are now monitoring email and internet forum traffic for similar sentiments. A leaked document has revealed some of the posts and emails currently under further police scrutiny:

“I bought my house five years ago for a sum of money that would make Bill Gates choke on his fucking cornflakes, and it hasn’t even got an upstairs bathroom. I tried to sell it last month and some Kouros-stinking little cunt of an estate agent comes round and tells me he’ll take it off my hands for £30 for scrap value. If that Caledonian cockpump Brown comes into my boozer I’ll beat him to death with Harriet Harman, I tell you.”

“I am a 97-year-old pensioner and was at Dunkirk. I worry this winter I shall not be able to heat my home and think Mr Brown should shoulder the larger part of the blame for that. As penance for his ineptness I think it only fair that the sphincter-mouthed little shitworm have his teeth kicked so far down his throat he’s pissing molars for a month.”

“I am a car owner, and consequently may as well be keeping a crack-addicted mistress with a penchant for Faberge eggs for the amount it costs me. I wanted to drive it into the garage out of the rain the other week, but decided to use the petrol money to build a new garage around it instead. Gordon Brown? I’d do time for that bastard, I swear.”


Anonymous said...

Excellent! Nice to see you on top form after your trip to the burgh.

Anonymous said...

Have you seen this 'tribute' video to Harriet Harman? It's hilarious.