"You Have The Right To Eat My Arse" Says Brown

Prime Minister In Robust Rejection on Bill Of Rights

After a cross-party committee of MPs urged the government to adopt a UK bill of rights, Gordon Brown has told the House Of Commons "Every person in this room, every person in this house of legislation and every person across this proud land has the right to form an orderly queue to eat my sweaty, Caledonian ringpiece."

The Joint Committee on Human Rights had recommended adopting a bill of rights that went further than current legislation in a heated commons debate. After hearing their arguments, Brown appeared pensive. "Hmm, interesting points from my learned colleagues" said the PM.

"But I've got another idea. How about I send some of the chaps from the Met round to your flats, make sure they discover some terrorist manuals and you lot spend the next 90 days screaming into your own shitstained mattresses while some screw beats the soles of your feet with a rubber hose?"

While listing the rights to be included in the proposed bill - which would include rights to housing, education and trial by jury - the PM could be seen nudging Harriet Harman, chuckling and mouthing the words "Yeah, fucking right."

Closing his speech rejecting the proposal Brown reminded the House "I've sent thousands of wee lads to get their heads sawn off by the flying doors of car bombs and I've never lost a wink of sleep. So if anyone brings up this tripe again, do you honestly think I'd blink twice before sending the boys round to push your nose through your arse? Well? Anyone? No? Fucking well thought not."