Halifax Howard ‘Livid’ At Oscar Snub

Moonfaced Not-Actor Trashes Set

Howard Brown, best known for his appearances in the Halifax advertising campaign, was arrested last night for criminal damage after he’d read he was not amongst the nominees for this year’s Oscars.

According to one inside source “The guy was reading a news website when the Oscar list was announced. He scanned down the list muttering “Howard Brown, Howard Brown, come on you fucking twats, where’s Howard Brown?” When it became obvious his name wasn’t there he just went mental. He threw his laptop at Cheryl from the Croydon branch, who was due to appear in the latest ad singing a version of ‘Simply The Best’. She’s got an eye on her like Gascoigne’s girlfriend this morning, the poor thing.”

Brown’s rampage continued for several minutes, during which time he threw a script at the advert director which is believed to have been smeared with his own faeces. Several pieces of the set were severely damaged by Brown kicking them while repeatedly shouting “I’ll give them extra, the fuckbastards!”

Howard Brown’s agent, Morden Ebbsfleet, issued a statement this morning, starting by saying “First of all, yes, I know – Howard Brown has an agent? What the actual fuck? Anyway” continued Ebbsfleet “I would first of all like to say that my client has the utmost respect for the Oscar judging panel. He also wishes the best of luck to his fellow actors Sean Penn & Mickey Rourke. Howard has often stated how much Penn’s method approach to acting has influenced his own work, especially during the “My First, My Last, My Extra Thing” campaign.”

“My client has been under great stress recently. The current economic client dictates that financial institutions cannot afford to pay vast sums of money to a wooden imbecile performing barely-acceptable karaoke. The pressure of this, as well as continuing his duties as a Halifax branch manager, led him to mix up his pain medication with some strong horse tranquilisers that had been placed in the dressing room by persons unknown.”

This morning, Metropolitan Police would only confirm that they had arrested “A buffoonish idiot in his early forties after an incident at Elstree Studios”. Brown is expected to be given bail, but one unnamed member of the camera crew who witnessed Brown’s carnage thinks this is a mistake. “The BAFTAs are just around the corner and if he’s not named again, god knows what will happen. I know he may look like a vaguely disappointed, myopic shrew but if yesterday’s performance is anything to go by, a lack of BAFTA recognition could make the bloke go totally Dunblane.”

Teachers Offered ‘Golden Stab Vests’

£10K In BUPA Vouchers For Hard Case Teachers

Teachers who agree to be systematically ignored by the progeny of the underclass in Britain’s worst schools are to be offered £10,000 a year extra in a carefully-worded bribe to be outlined by Gordon Brown today. The deal, to be officially termed as a “Pre-emptive injury settlement” hopes to entice teaching professionals to abandon what little hope they had for enriching young minds in exchange for a fat wad of cash.

“This deal is in recognition of all the difficult work education-givers do in our most troubled schools” said junior Education Minister Chips Ebbsfleet. “If teachers want tearful scenes of appreciation that they’ve proven massively influential in a teenager’s education, then I suggest they buy a copy of ‘Dead Poet’s Society’ and shut the fuck up.”

The payment is to be offered to teachers working in worst-performing schools in the country. NUT person Hoop Knutsford stated “I will be recommending this scheme to all NUT members on the basis that teaching fuck-all to a bunch of subhuman scrotes in exchange for an extra ten large is a no-brainer, even for somebody with such a lack of employment opportunities that they end up being a teacher. We still get all those holidays and the chance to look up the skirts of the sixth-formers, right?”

Applications for teaching posts in schools serving sink estates have trebled following the news. One education recruitment consultant stated “We’re getting hundreds of CVs from aggressive borderline psychopaths with poor pass marks in their PGCE. Many of them realise that ten grand buys a lot of the illegal tasers and brass knucks necessary for the role. And coping with the stress isn’t going to be an issue as they’ll be confiscating enough narcotics from the pupils to bring Keith Moon back to life.”

If the scheme proves a success, the government will be looking at other financial inducements for teachers. These are expected to be on the provisos they avoid getting any pupils pregnant and promise to stop bastard well moaning about doing a five hour day for forty weeks of the year.

In the meantime, many educators have welcomed the move with one unnamed PE teacher saying “Let’s see if I’ve got this right. I spent three years dicking about at some lowbrow ex-polytechnic followed by another couple of years scraping a PGCE, all the while getting bursaries and the like, yes?

“And now they want to give me an extra ten grand for chucking a football at a bunch of mini gangsters and telling them to get on with it for a couple of hours? I tell you what, it’s money for fucking jam, this teaching lark.”

CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled

“Point 7 Is My Favourite. It’s Boss” Says Lambert

The Confederation Of British Industry has written to Gordon Brown with a ten-point plan that they feel can boost Britain’s ailing economy and save many small businesses. “This is the worst financial crisis since records began” said CBI boss Richard Lambert. “Things are getting so bad that pretty soon we won’t be able to afford to employ the people that keep the records of how bad things have been in the past. It really is going to get that confusingly scary.”

The CBI’s plan is as follows:

1: Employ workers to go around shops and nudge potential buyers, saying things like “Those plasma tellies look mint, don’t they? I’m going to buy one. Are you?”
2: Government subsidised tea fund for offices to increase productivity “With a sliding scale of biscuit support” added Lambert.
3: Add ‘Best Before” dates to expensive electrical items, forcing gadget-obsessed trust fund cockfaces to replace their integrated Blackberry/MP3/Capuccino machines every three months.
4: Lend everyone a fiver until next payday. “People always feel a bit more flush with a borrowed fiver in their pocket” said Lambert.
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.
6: Unemployed models to eye up city traders on the tube during rush hour. “Trading floor confidence is vital to keep the economy stable and what better boost to confidence than having some gazelle-thighed stranger lick her lips at you on a packed Jubilee Line?”
7: No denomination above a five pound note. “People will feel wealthier carrying around sackfuls of pound coins, like a Lord Snooty cartoon” enthused Lambert.
8: Make forgetting a relative’s birthday a criminal offence. Gifts to the value of £10 or more must be exchanged or offenders face three months in jail “Which will be spent as cheap factory labour. It’s win-win, really.” said Lambert.
9: Outlaw the translation of assembly instructions of flat pack furniture, forcing the public to buy British.
10: Temporary freezes on NI contribution liabilites indexed to a stepped reduction on VAT combined with a streamlining of governmental capital spend projects. “I’ll level with you here. I’ve no idea what the last one means but it’ll make Alistair Darling shit his eyebrows when he reads it.” chuckled Lambert.

Gordon Brown has yet to comment on the CBI’s proposals but was recently seen watching a bare knuckle female boxing match whilst idly stroking his crotch and mumbling “Mmm, prudent. You’re a prudent wee ride, aren’t ye?”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Government Uses New Synonym For ‘Fucked’
Economy ‘Banjaxed’ If Trend Continues, Says PM

The government confirmed today that a new synonym is to be employed when describing the state of the nation’s economy. As official figures show that Britain’s GDP shrunk between July and September, ministers must now refer to the economy as being ‘in recession’. This replaces the earlier official nomenclature of ‘looking well dodgy’.

Bank Of England director Mervyn King stated “We’ve been monitoring the situation for nearly a year now, ensuring that the proper descriptive term has been employed each step of the way. Early indicators caused us to use “a bit wobbly” which, as things worsened, was changed to “Pete Tong”. During the unprecedented slump in share prices on Black Tuesday, we went through “Oh toss”, “Can’t bear to look” and “Bolloxed” in the space of three hours.

Gordon Brown confirmed King’s appraisal of the economy, saying “We’re throwing as much of your money at the problem as possible, like a madwoman with Parkinson’s decorating a cake in an earthquake.”


Minister Pledges Bouncers At Airports
“Visa? Not With Those Shoes, Pal”

Immigration minister Phil Woolas is to implement a “One in, one out” policy in UK airports and ferry terminals as the population reaches the 70 million mark. In a bid to curb overpopulation, burly men in black bomber jackets will count people entering and leaving the country using those metal clicky things. Anyone popping out of the country for some cigarettes may have to wait in line to re-enter and Woolas made assurances that the offer of a blowjob round the back of Heathrow will not be sufficient to secure entry.

“I’m sure many people would agree with me that the country is in danger of becoming dangerously overpeopled and enough is enough” said Woolas. “Just the other day it took me 45 minutes to find a parking space and I nearly missed my table reservation at Claridges. I don’t think anybody wants to see something like that happening again.”

“In terms of population density, Great Britain is fast approaching the levels of Trinidad & Tobago and Burundi. We cannot allow our country to become the concrete urban hell that those countries are well-known as being.”


Katona Hits Back At Critics
Pig-Faced Tit Carrier Speaks Out Over ITV Interview

Kerry Katona, former not-a-singer with Atomic Kitten, has responded to allegations that she was drunk or on drugs during an interview on This Morning “Wazzafuggin marra wid, wid, eh? What?” said Katona. “Izza not worra I’m sayin, itsa. Itsa, yeah? Ahhahaaa. Fuggin, yerra fuggin. Eh? Scuseme.”

Katona went on to assert “Issa….issa…yerrafuggin FUGGIT! I’mnorra thing widda thing innit snot worra mena like, yeah? Eh?”

Katona’s agent clarified some of the points made, saying “Ms Katona categorically denies being under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs during the interview on This Morning. But to be reasonable, if you were sat opposite Fern Britton looking like a deflated weather balloon in a wig, you’d need a couple of bracers inside you yourself, wouldn’t you?”

Labour Policies “Retro” Claims Brown

“I Got Recession For You, If You Were Born In The 80s” Says PM

Amid a barrage of criticism about basically everything, Gordon Brown has hit back by calling Labour’s policies “A kitsch, ironic homage to the 80s. Anyone who doesn’t understand is just such a loser.” In an unprecedented move, the government have released an explanatory booklet entitled “Now That’s What I Call Governance” in which they attempt to link every manifest failure to icons of 1980s living. Key components include:


Unemployment: Harking back to the days of Coal Not Dole, the Government are introducing an employment scheme called “Labour’s Not Working: Redux.” It is hoped that as the unemployment figures pass the three million mark, this will inspire a new wave of great bands as it did in the 80s. If properly managed, Britain could have another UB40 on its hands, once more marking this country out as a centre of excellence for anaemic, gingerheaded cod-reggae.

Terrorism: While the Northern Irish Peace Treaty did potentially end hundreds of years of internecine bloodshed, it also left the public crying out for footage of people being bundled in the back of vans, hurried evacuations of shopping centres and the lengthy incarceration of innocent suspects. We’ve taken a great 80s idea – the bogeyman of violent terrorism – and updated it for the multicultural 21st century by slapping a turban on it. Also, by 2009, we intend to bring in a law demanding that any Muslim cleric appearing on the news has his voice overdubbed like we did with that bearded chap back in the day.

Iraq War: Erm, hello? The Falklands? How 80s was that? The Labour Party will not repeat mistakes made by the Tory government and is determined this time to have British soldiers killed pointlessly in a country that’s a lot warmer.


Gordon Brown underlined the government’s pledge to 1980s-style policymaking by revealing “In Downing Street we have a Rubik’s cube with key words painted on each square – “Prudent”, “Security”, “Partnership”, “Timely” – and so on. Whenever we make a new policy announcement, we get Ed Balls to play with the Rubik’s cube for ten minutes and read off the resultant message.”

“The last cabinet reshuffle was decided by a random sequence of colours generated by a game of Simon. And it’s clear that our financial policy of loading the economy with unsecured credit until it exploded was closely modelled on Buckaroo.”

“Just Shoot Suspects” PM Advises

42-Day Detention Scrapped In Favour Of Summary Execution

After the House Of Lords quashed Labour plans to allow police to detain terror suspects for 42 days without charge, Gordon Brown has pledged to continue with the existing policy of emptying an entire pistol into their head. Labour’s counter-terrorism bill asked for the ability to hold terrified suspects for 6 weeks of nebulous threats without charging them with any crime as long as they passed the ‘Threshold test’ of being a bit mouthy, foreign-looking or an electrician.

But the bill was defeated by 191 votes in the House of Lords last night, with one senior peer stating “The existing detention period of 28 days is perfectly sufficient to exhaust standard investigative techniques. We do not believe a further 14 days is needed to piss in ocular cavities, force suspects to eat their own excrement or beat the soles of their feet with garden hose.”

While the political wrangling continues, the police have been told to carry on with their policy of dropping anybody they feel like with little or no evidence to suggest they’re dangerous. Chief Inspector Knutsford stated “Terrorists are wily creatures, with ways different to our own. They don’t need food or oxygen and can morph into the shape of a cat at will. Who can say how they plan to attack us next?”

Gordon Brown has vowed to continue fighting for the bill to be passed, and Labour will hold a version of it in reserve in case a terrorist emergency occurs. As one Labour spokesman said “Never know what’s round the corner, you get me? Look at that London Eye, for instance. It’d only take one nutter with a bomb and the whole thing would collapse like a mugged granny, yeah? Wait and see, my friend, wait and see…”

The PM stated “We are disappointed that this bill has been defeated and feel that the House of Lords may as well give Bin Laden a foot massage for all the help they’ve been. This government will not shirk its responsibilities when it comes to national security, especially at times like these, because while I’m talking to you now, you’re not even thinking about how fucked the economy is. Damn. You’re thinking about it right now, aren’t you?”

Millions To Be Arrested For Brown Assassination Plans

“Another Penny On Fags And He’d Be Dead” Says Met Chief

Following the arrest of three suspects in the North West for printing death threats about Gordon Brown, police forces across the UK are bracing themselves for over half the country to be similarly detained in the coming weeks.

Police person Jason Ebbsfleet explained “The three men currently charged had made no actual plot to kill Gordon Brown, they’d simply written on a website that they would like to see him dead. Following the logic that spoken threats carry as much weight as written threats, I can only assume that come the end of September anybody who drives a car, has a mortgage, goes to work or eats food will be banged up for similar sentiments.”

The three initial terror suspects were arrested after articles were printed on an extremist website. The comments have now been removed but are understood to have read:

“Mr Brown. Two-thirds of my relatives abroad are dead, have had to flee their homes, or are walking around with chunks of Brimstone missile sticking out of their foreheads. Pack it in, there’s a chap, or I’ll kill you. PS Praise Allah and all that.”

Police are now monitoring email and internet forum traffic for similar sentiments. A leaked document has revealed some of the posts and emails currently under further police scrutiny:

“I bought my house five years ago for a sum of money that would make Bill Gates choke on his fucking cornflakes, and it hasn’t even got an upstairs bathroom. I tried to sell it last month and some Kouros-stinking little cunt of an estate agent comes round and tells me he’ll take it off my hands for £30 for scrap value. If that Caledonian cockpump Brown comes into my boozer I’ll beat him to death with Harriet Harman, I tell you.”

“I am a 97-year-old pensioner and was at Dunkirk. I worry this winter I shall not be able to heat my home and think Mr Brown should shoulder the larger part of the blame for that. As penance for his ineptness I think it only fair that the sphincter-mouthed little shitworm have his teeth kicked so far down his throat he’s pissing molars for a month.”

“I am a car owner, and consequently may as well be keeping a crack-addicted mistress with a penchant for Faberge eggs for the amount it costs me. I wanted to drive it into the garage out of the rain the other week, but decided to use the petrol money to build a new garage around it instead. Gordon Brown? I’d do time for that bastard, I swear.”

"You Have The Right To Eat My Arse" Says Brown

Prime Minister In Robust Rejection on Bill Of Rights

After a cross-party committee of MPs urged the government to adopt a UK bill of rights, Gordon Brown has told the House Of Commons "Every person in this room, every person in this house of legislation and every person across this proud land has the right to form an orderly queue to eat my sweaty, Caledonian ringpiece."

The Joint Committee on Human Rights had recommended adopting a bill of rights that went further than current legislation in a heated commons debate. After hearing their arguments, Brown appeared pensive. "Hmm, interesting points from my learned colleagues" said the PM.

"But I've got another idea. How about I send some of the chaps from the Met round to your flats, make sure they discover some terrorist manuals and you lot spend the next 90 days screaming into your own shitstained mattresses while some screw beats the soles of your feet with a rubber hose?"

While listing the rights to be included in the proposed bill - which would include rights to housing, education and trial by jury - the PM could be seen nudging Harriet Harman, chuckling and mouthing the words "Yeah, fucking right."

Closing his speech rejecting the proposal Brown reminded the House "I've sent thousands of wee lads to get their heads sawn off by the flying doors of car bombs and I've never lost a wink of sleep. So if anyone brings up this tripe again, do you honestly think I'd blink twice before sending the boys round to push your nose through your arse? Well? Anyone? No? Fucking well thought not."

Call Me ‘Patrick Bateman’ Says Cameron

Tory Gaff In Literary One-Upmanship

Following Gordon Brown’s revelation that he compares himself to Heathcliff, Emily Bronte’s vindictive, embittered and violent wifebeater in Wuthering Heights, David Cameron has upped the stakes by stating that in all shadow cabinet meetings, MPs must call him Patrick Bateman after the psychopathic central character in Brett Easton Ellis’ largely boring “American Psycho”.

Brown has since admitted that his comparison to Heathcliff was based solely on hearing Kate Bush’s “Wuthering Heights’ on Smooth FM several weeks ago. “See that Kate Bush? She’s a bonny wee ride and in the song she’s awfy keen on this Heathcliff punter. So I says I want to be like him, so’s I can gerra feel up o’ her. I sometimes like to call maself Ken so’s that skinny Barbie Girl burd from ‘Aqua’ might gie us a call.”

Nevertheless, Cameron feels that the links between him and the sexually violent Bateman are plain to see. “We both come from privileged backgrounds. We both take a lot of time on our appearance. In the book he’s always listing what labels he’s wearing, and I always ensure my labels are tucked in. We’re both movers and shakers in the economy. Granted, he makes millions of dollars on the stock exchange and I just tell Labour that their taxation policy is bobbins, but there’s still a similarity.”

Cameron went on to list their shared taste in Huey Lewis and Genesis and their love of fine dining. “Really, we’re like two peas in a rightwing pod.” The press conference was cut short, however, when Cameron started on a graphic story involving him, two crack whores and a hungry rat. Tory spokesperson Ffinchley Ebbsfleet said “Mr Cameron is very tired after a long week of telling everybody who’ll listen he’s going to be running the country soon. His statements, as usual, must not be taken seriously.”

In a smaller press conference held in Knutsford Central Library, Liberal Democrat leader Nick thingumybob outlined the parallels between himself and Catch 22’s Major Major Major Major: “Both of us have been promoted, very quickly, way beyond our abilities and nobody wants anything to do with us. Furthermo…hello? Hello?”

Gordon Brown Does A Runner

PM’s Phone Switched Off Since Yesterday


Following the fuel crisis, disastrous by-election results and the continuing war in the Middle East, reports are coming in that Gordon Brown has done a moonlight flit. Details are still sketchy, but there are reports that Number 10 has clothes strewn all over the place, half-eaten meals still on the dining table, and a pile of letters marked “Ministry Of Defence – URGENT” on the doormat.

An anonymous colleague stated “After all the grief he’s been getting over the last few months, I think Gordon’s realised he’s not going to be able to dodge everyone who’s after him. He’s obviously given everyone a Govan bodyswerve.”

The Bank Of England were quick to issue a statement: “We have been trying to contact Mr Brown for several months over irregularities in the budget. Initially he would return our calls, making vague comments about prudent economic changes in the pipeline. But when the housing market went cocks-down, whenever we called him it would just go to voicemail.”

Unconfirmed reports have suggested that Brown is kipping on George Bush’s couch until the whole thing blows over. “Bush has always had a lot of time for Brown” said one insider “Maybe Brown feels that America is far enough away from the mess he’s left behind. Bush has a sweet entertainment room too, with an Xbox, Sky+ and a kicking stereo. I think the PM will probably mooch off of Bush until his wife tells him to kick him out.”

Gordon Brown’s mother denied any knowledge of where her son is, saying “I dinnae ken wit’s wrong with the wee shite. A’m no havin’ the head o’ the EU knockin’ on ma door makin’ a holy show in front o’ the neighbours. You see him, right, and you can tell him I’ll take ma hand off his face next time I see him.”

Tony Blair has already tried to distance himself from the PM’s disappearing act. “Hey, look, we worked together for a while, yeah?” said the former war criminal “But if you’ve got problems with inflation that’s totally down to him, okay?”

Gordon Brown’s wife has allegedly applied for a crisis loan to cope with the PM’s sudden disappearance.