Thursday, 10 July 2008

Call Me ‘Patrick Bateman’ Says Cameron

Tory Gaff In Literary One-Upmanship

Following Gordon Brown’s revelation that he compares himself to Heathcliff, Emily Bronte’s vindictive, embittered and violent wifebeater in Wuthering Heights, David Cameron has upped the stakes by stating that in all shadow cabinet meetings, MPs must call him Patrick Bateman after the psychopathic central character in Brett Easton Ellis’ largely boring “American Psycho”.

Brown has since admitted that his comparison to Heathcliff was based solely on hearing Kate Bush’s “Wuthering Heights’ on Smooth FM several weeks ago. “See that Kate Bush? She’s a bonny wee ride and in the song she’s awfy keen on this Heathcliff punter. So I says I want to be like him, so’s I can gerra feel up o’ her. I sometimes like to call maself Ken so’s that skinny Barbie Girl burd from ‘Aqua’ might gie us a call.”

Nevertheless, Cameron feels that the links between him and the sexually violent Bateman are plain to see. “We both come from privileged backgrounds. We both take a lot of time on our appearance. In the book he’s always listing what labels he’s wearing, and I always ensure my labels are tucked in. We’re both movers and shakers in the economy. Granted, he makes millions of dollars on the stock exchange and I just tell Labour that their taxation policy is bobbins, but there’s still a similarity.”

Cameron went on to list their shared taste in Huey Lewis and Genesis and their love of fine dining. “Really, we’re like two peas in a rightwing pod.” The press conference was cut short, however, when Cameron started on a graphic story involving him, two crack whores and a hungry rat. Tory spokesperson Ffinchley Ebbsfleet said “Mr Cameron is very tired after a long week of telling everybody who’ll listen he’s going to be running the country soon. His statements, as usual, must not be taken seriously.”

In a smaller press conference held in Knutsford Central Library, Liberal Democrat leader Nick thingumybob outlined the parallels between himself and Catch 22’s Major Major Major Major: “Both of us have been promoted, very quickly, way beyond our abilities and nobody wants anything to do with us. Furthermo…hello? Hello?”

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