Monday, 21 July 2008

80% Of Accidents ‘Caused By Evil Car Gnome’

“He Lives in Your Carburettor & Smells Like Ottawa” Says Crash Survivor

The existence of a malevolent car-dwelling sprite that gnaws through brake cables, hangs off windscreen wipers and puts the engine into first gear while you’re not looking is just one of a number of explanations given for the millions of car accidents that occurred in the UK last year.

Direct Line car insurance, who conducted the survey in the name of rigorous scientific research and in no way to get a page 5 filler story in the tabloids, say car manufacturers should make drivers more aware of the car gnome and his unquenchable thirst for vehicular destruction.

“It’s all very well fitting airbags, antilock brakes and the like” said Direct Line person Janice Ebbsfleet “but until they do more to eradicate the existence of an untraceable troll, there’s really little point.”

Other reasons drivers gave for ploughing their ton of metal into a tree included “The wrong type of tarmac”, “Sudden attacks of existential ennui” and “Radio 1”. But the most controversial reason is inaccurate directions given by SatNav equipment.

Road safety group Brake have called on SatNav companies to show more responsibility. “We hail the SatNav. We must do its bidding. The SatNav is wise, and knows all. But could the SatNav please stop telling us to pull a u-turn at 70 miles an hour on the A1? Our necks hurt. All praise to the mighty SatNav.”

Motoring journalist Jeremy Knutsford was less than sympathetic with the survey’s findings. “If you’ve passed your driving test, we can assume a couple of things. You’ve got opposable thumbs and can read to a standard that allows you to know what road signs mean.”

“So given these assumptions, can we not further assume that you’re a marginally-intelligent adult and as such should take some responsibility if you suddenly decide to veer off into a canal, for fuck’s sake?”

Garry Chester, the sole survivor of a twelve-car pileup, still maintains that his SatNav was responsible for the 21 fatalities his accident caused, however. “I was driving home from work, a journey I’d done every day for the past eight years. I’d recently bought my SatNav and switched it on out of curiosity just before I set off.

“So I’m doing 55 down the dual carriageway when suddenly this plummy-voiced bird told me to turn left into a ravine. I was brought up to obey my betters, so I slung the car over the barriers and down the embankment. I was only doing what it told me to. Can I have my compensation cheque, now, please?”

1 comment:

IZZY said...