Wednesday, 16 July 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Brand Apologises For Hoax

Following a warning from the police, Russell Brand has apologised for an onstage hoax in Northampton in which he impersonated a comedian. “Verily, me very heart bleeds for the coppers what had to listen to me natter” said Brand in a needlessly verbose press statement earlier today. “Cut me very dinkle off guvnor if it should happen again. I was only ‘aving a little jape at the knave what’s been sexually assaulting the ladies, ‘cos obviously that’s really funny.”

A spokesman for Northampton Police said “Impersonating a comedian with intent to defraud is a serious matter. If in doubt, the public should listen very carefully to the utterances of somebody claiming to be a comedian. Trading standards take a very dim view of this and our colleagues in America are currently investigating a multi-million dollar scam perpetrated by a chap calling himself Dane Cook.”

Cameron Asks Obama To Have A Go At The Chinese Next

Following his support for Barack Obama’s speech urging absentee black fathers to play a greater role in family life, David Cameron has asked the US presidential candidate whether he can “Take the piss out of the chinks next. Maybe something about their accents. I’ve always wanted to have a pop at them, but fuck that for a game of electoral cricket. I’d get lynched. Sorry, no offence.”

Cameron is to set off on a worldwide tour visiting various heads of state, hoping they will also give him license to spread his vile bigoted filth. “He’s really hoping President Singh of India will say something about smelling of curry.” said Tory person Haughley Ebbsfleet-Ffinch. “He’s always wanted to wobble his head and go ‘bud-bud-bud’ in parliament and with the help of the Indian president, he might still get the chance.”

Boris Johnson has criticised Cameron’s tour, saying “Seems an awful lot of bother to me. When I want to call ‘em pickaninnies, I damn well do. I don’t need the permission of some feller in Umbo Bogo land.”

Knife Knife Crime Knife Knife Gouge Knife

Knife knife stab knife crime, knife knife knife - pierce knife. “Knife knife knife cut knife knife, knife knife knife” stab knife gore. “Knife knife knife knife knife gore knife. Knife knife knife crime knife knife gouge”.

Gouge knife cut knife knife knife knife, stab knife knife. Stab knife knife knife, knife wound stab knife knife cut knife. Knife wound knife knife stab knife knife, knife gore knife knife crime. Knife knife, knife gouge knife knife knife stab knife, knife.

Knife stab knife knife knife gore knife, knife crime knife knife cut knife knife. Knife gouge cut knife knife “Gore knife, knife wound knife knife”, stab knife knife. Knife gouge knife stab knife knife knife, cut wound gore stab stab stab STAB.

No comments: