Tuesday, 15 July 2008

Deluded Youths Gather In Sydney

“A Great Day For Ignoring The Facts” Says Pontiff

Pope Benedict XVI kicked off World Youth Day in Sydney this morning by telling the massed 200,000 teenagers “To think, you are in the sunniest, most laid-back city on the planet. You could be naked, drunk and having sex on surfboard. But no, you have decided to listen to an old Nazi tell you that you’re all evil. God Bless you all.”

The ceremony started with a traditional welcoming dance from Australian Aborigines, which the Pope remarked as being “Utterly charming. Lovely. Thank you so much. You’re all pagans and you’re going to burn for eternity, obviously, but thanks all the same.” He then asked a passing Cardinal “I thought we had all this lot shot years ago?”

Benedict (“Call me Benny” he implored the crowd at one point) called the congregation of unlovable virgins “Pilgrims of peace”, adding “The Catholic Church completely opposes all forms of armed conflict. Just look at our stance during World War II. Did a proper bodyswerve on that one, I can tell you.”

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd then launched into a searingly insightful attack on rationalists who oppose the Church. "Some say there is no place for faith in the 21st century, I say they are wrong. Some say that faith is the enemy of reason, I say also they are wrong," A passing Richard Dawkins was heard to remark “Well, there’s no arguing with logic like that. Put me right in my place, he has. That’s my career proper fucked, isn’t it?”

The gathering is due to last six days, to reflect the six days God took to make the entire universe. “Let’s see those so-called ‘scientists’ have a 4,000 billion year event, eh?” chuckled Pope Benedict. He has also embraced new technology, sending inspirational text messages each day, such as “Gd is gr8”, “JC4U” & “Abrt & u go2 hell”

One local resident, Galah Ebbsfleet, was less pleased with the Papal visit, however, remarking “Flamin’ pontiffs!” before going to work in his local caravan park.

No comments: