Thursday, 17 July 2008

‘Chav’ Offensive To Abusive, Drunken Scum Says Think Tank

“How About ‘Shitbag’, Then?” Asks Linguist

Tom Hampson of The Fabian Society has insisted that the word ‘chav’ is offensive to greasy, slate-eyed council doyens and should not be used. “It’s a term of class hatred” said Hampson “and is deeply offensive to a largely voiceless group”, clearly showing he has never used the Croydon tram service, which is generally frequented by what appear to be polyester-clad howler monkeys.

Hampson went on to say that the term was “Sneering and patronising” but did not suggest what other responses were appropriate when faced with a horde of illiterate, unemployable criminals hellbent on stealing anything that wasn’t nailed to your forehead.

Hampson gave his press conference outside the front gates of his Hampstead mews, approximately three miles away from the nearest working-class person. He feels his years spent at Trinity College Cambridge, his work for esoteric theoretical political think tanks and running his own media consultancy company makes him ideally qualified to comment on life in a 25-story tower block that smells of dead tramp.

Leading professor of linguistics Taylor Ebbsfleet agrees with the Fabian Society’s statement. “I think the term ‘chav’ is too limiting and shows a paucity of language.” said Ebbsfleet. “Think of the vast scope of terms we could be using instead. ‘Shitbag’ springs immediately to one’s lips, as does ‘Dole-ferret’. ‘Pramface’, ‘Kyle-fodder’, the possibilities are endless.”

In the housing estates of Knutsford, there is a strong backlash against the use of the term. “It’s denying me human rights, innit?” said Beckham Dwayne, an unemployed car thief. “It’s not showing me respect, right, and I’m not being funny, right, but that’s not right, right. Yeah?”

Meanwhile, Tom Hampson is adamant that use of the word ‘chav’ is demonising large sections of the population. “Just because a significant portion of the nation have absolutely no aspirations, little respect for the law, a need for instant gratification, no manners, revolting clothing and hair that looks like it’s been cut with a lathe, we should not marginalise them by using a term they use about themselves anyway.”

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