Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Rapper Name Changed To “Punkass Bitch”

“Shout Out To All My Alumni” Says Singer

After details of the armed arrest of Nzube Udezue, also known as rapper “Zuby”, came to light, the Coalition Of Rappers, Bling - Loving International Mothafuckin’ Emcees, Yo! have decreed that he must change his stage name to “Punkass Bitch” or “Baby-Ass Mofo”.

Ebbsfleet D, founder of CORBLIMEY!, said “Brother be getting off his train, minding his own shit, when 911 start banging on the mothafucka. ‘Bout to get Rodney King on his ass. Now, we have rules for that kinda shit. If the 5-0 be all up in your face, a rapper got to throw up some gang signs, shout “FUCK you! Represent!” and take his beats like a man.”

Eyewitnesses to Zuby’s arrest suggest he didn’t adhere to CORBLIMEY!’s statutes, however. One stated “When the police raised their weapons and told him to get on the ground, he immediately started crying and appeared to soil himself – front and back, if you see what I mean. He started sobbing that his uncle was a QC and that if they phoned the Proctor of Oxford University they’d realise they’d made a terrible mistake.”

CORBLIMEY! have taken a dim view of Zuby’s behaviour when faced with an actual gun that fires real bullets. “We checked his registration forms and the sucka ain’t packing. No Glocks, Uzis, none of that shit. Next to ‘Weapons Owned’ he wrote ‘Wrist rocket’. What the fuck?”

CORBLIMEY! are now considering whether to revoke Zuby’s membership, citing “Serious pussy-like behaviour.”

Zuby has already made plans to cash in on his new-found notoriety, however. “Oh, indubitably, do you get me? I shall be working all that shit, no question. Do you dig? My new CD will be hitting all reputable shops shortly, my dog, and it will have fat beats, of that you can be assured.”

Demo copies of Zuby’s album “Public Schoolboy” feature tracks such as “Respect Tha Police”, “Straight Outta Oxbridge” and “Nuthin’ But A BA(Hons) Thang”.


Leighsus Christ said...

This is superb. Utterly brilliant. Biatch.

Damian said...

Top muthaf*ckin drawer, homedog Ebbsfleet.