Friday, 4 July 2008

Badger Cull Quashed By Whimsical Comedians

“It’s Like Being In A Waltzer Full Of Spangles” Says Comic

The government plan to cull wild badgers in an attempt to curb the spread of bovine TB has been quashed following a campaign by SUCKS. SUCKS (Stand Up Comics’ Kiddy Surrealism) said the planned cull amounted to a restriction of trade.

SUCKS spokesman Lester Ebbsfleet said “It was mad, right. All these MPs were, like, going to stamp all over the countryside like giant spiders made of tweed. And all the badgers were like “Oh no, I’ve only just re-carpeted my set and now there’s going to be a big spider footprint in the middle of it. Nightmare.

So we all got together and baked some cakes that said ‘Leave the badgers alone’ on them. Except it wasn’t written in icing, right, what we actually did was we trained some ants to stand in formation and they were well annoyed because July is the end of the ant tax year and they had loads of forms they had to fill in by the end of the week.”

Ebbsfleet went on in this vein for some time before coming to the explanation as to why the badger was so important to SUCKS. “After watching a couple of comedy DVDs – Bill Bailey, Harry Hill, stuff like that – we thought that it’d be great to get onstage and anthropomorphise various woodland creatures. At the very least, we thought it would be quicker than writing routines with actual jokes in them.”

“Anyway, badgers are just funny, aren’t they? Say ‘badger’ onstage and that’s as good as a punchline. Unless you don’t speak English. Hey, imagine if you had a badger living in your pocket that couldn’t speak English? That would be mad, because you’re trying to tell him to keep quiet while you’re reading a book and he’s insisting on listening to the radio, only he’s saying it in German…”

1 comment:

Jane said...

you're funny.

Glad you're back!