Russell Hobbs Create Porn-Generating Kettle

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Nazi Hurricane Gustav Threatens New Orleans

“For You, Dixieland, Ze Mardi Gras Is Over” Warns Teutonic Weather Front

Millions have fled New Orleans after warnings that a 115mph National Socialist storm is set to flatten houses, bring widescale floods and usher in a glorious thousand-year Reich. Hopes that the storm would leave the city unmolested were dashed last night by BBC weather man Rob Mcelwee in a prepared statement:

“I am speaking to you from the roof of BBC television centre.
This morning Michael Fish handed Hurricane Gustav a final note stating that unless he veered off into the Atlantic by 11.00 pm, a state of war would exist between us.
I have to tell you that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently New Orleans is absolutely monster-fucked.”

Speaking from his home just off the Cuban coast, Hurricane Gustav warned the residents of the Gulf shore that he would be merciless and all-conquering in his northerly blitzkrieg across America.

Smoking from a cigarette holder, his eye gleaming manically through his monocle, Hurricane Gustav told reporters “Ve haff ways of having you evacuated into a football, stadium, ya? For too long, ze decadent Americans haff allowed mongrel jazz music undt women flashing ze big boobies when they haff ein string of beads. No longer, mein friend. Tomorrow sees ze glorious rise of der Uber Cyclone. Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Band Of Low Pressure!”

Despite Hurricane Gustav not having yet hit land, work has already started on a Hollywood blockbuster about his swathe of tropical, goose-stepping destruction. Chip Ebbsfleet, a Hollywood reporter, stated “This is the hot ticket film of the year. Michael Bay apparently crapped in his jacuzzi when he heard about it and has already done a script treatment and initial casting.”

The film, due to be released in time for Christmas 2008, will star Matt Damon as a maverick, alcoholic weatherman who tries to warn the government about the fascist storm system while fighting custody for his daughter (Dakota Fanning) with his estranged wife (Cate Blanchett).

Hurricane Gustav (Ralph Fiennes) is enraged when he hears of Damon’s interference and kidnaps his daughter, provoking a grandstand battle between the puffy-faced meteorologist and the 500-mile-wide weather phenomenon. The final confrontation is set to cost $412M in CGI effects alone. One New Orleans resident has said “As soon as I dig my two-room shack out of eleven feet of tidal mud, I’ll definitely go and see it.”

Badger Cull Quashed By Whimsical Comedians

“It’s Like Being In A Waltzer Full Of Spangles” Says Comic

The government plan to cull wild badgers in an attempt to curb the spread of bovine TB has been quashed following a campaign by SUCKS. SUCKS (Stand Up Comics’ Kiddy Surrealism) said the planned cull amounted to a restriction of trade.

SUCKS spokesman Lester Ebbsfleet said “It was mad, right. All these MPs were, like, going to stamp all over the countryside like giant spiders made of tweed. And all the badgers were like “Oh no, I’ve only just re-carpeted my set and now there’s going to be a big spider footprint in the middle of it. Nightmare.

So we all got together and baked some cakes that said ‘Leave the badgers alone’ on them. Except it wasn’t written in icing, right, what we actually did was we trained some ants to stand in formation and they were well annoyed because July is the end of the ant tax year and they had loads of forms they had to fill in by the end of the week.”

Ebbsfleet went on in this vein for some time before coming to the explanation as to why the badger was so important to SUCKS. “After watching a couple of comedy DVDs – Bill Bailey, Harry Hill, stuff like that – we thought that it’d be great to get onstage and anthropomorphise various woodland creatures. At the very least, we thought it would be quicker than writing routines with actual jokes in them.”

“Anyway, badgers are just funny, aren’t they? Say ‘badger’ onstage and that’s as good as a punchline. Unless you don’t speak English. Hey, imagine if you had a badger living in your pocket that couldn’t speak English? That would be mad, because you’re trying to tell him to keep quiet while you’re reading a book and he’s insisting on listening to the radio, only he’s saying it in German…”

Hyde Park Bukkake Protest “A Success” Say Organisers

World Leaders Must Listen To Our Grunts, Say Protestors

An open-air bukkake party held in London’s Hyde Park to highlight global warming was “An unqualified, gooey triumph” according to Reed Ebbsfleet, head of the political pressure group “A Face Full Of Love”.

Over 200 engorged protestors gathered near the Diana Memorial Fountain to protest against “People burning coal and stuff” by jettisoning ounces of reproductive juice onto AFFOL spokeswoman target Candi.

Candi, an actress/model/human spittoon from Knutsford voiced her delight in being able to help out such a worthy cause. “I like trees and polar bears and that, so looking like a cake iced by a lunatic with Parkinsons is a small price to pay” said Candi as she washed the stringy mess from her hair.

Police were on standby but no arrests were reported and a Met spokesmen said “They were a good-natured, peaceful crowd who just wanted to empty their nutsacks in protest. Better than those Pro-Hunt lot. Bunch of stuck-up turds.”

Ebssfleet founded AFFOL in 2003. On the organisation’s website he cites a trip to Japan as being the inspiration behind AFFOL’s work. “I’d gone over to Tokyo to get some magazines you can’t buy in England and a friend pointed out to me that my trip for wank fodder had caused a carbon footprint equivalent to 60,000 trips to the corner shop to buy a copy of Razzle. It was then I realised that I had to combine my love of protein showers and environmental issues.”

A video of the protest was sent to the Secretary of State for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs, Hillary Benn. A government insider stated that Benn was visibly moved by footage of the protest, saying “What’s…hang on, what are they?....Aww, Jesus I’m gonna spew…Turnitoffturnitoff!”

A Face Full Of Love is hoping to mount further protest rallies across the globe, with rumours of celebrity endorsements from Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Kate Moss amongst others. “We had Jade Goody calling to offer her services” said Ebbsfleet “But we had to say no. I’d do anything to save this planet, but there are limits. She looks like a fist full of jelly, for fuck’s sake.”

Government Declares War On Carrier Bags

"Yes, Even The Really Thin Ones Corner Shops Use" Says PM

Gordon Brown has declared all-out war on carrier bags, stating “They are the flimsy plastic axis of non-biodegradable evil. This is the greatest threat to the environmental health of our nation since the last thing we focussed on to distract from more important issues. Bird flu, wasn’t it?”

Brown has established a new cabinet post – Minister For Making People Buy Those Hessian Bags Hippies Use – and plans to rush radical new legislation through parliament. This includes 90-day detention without trial for those suspected of only using a bag once and police powers to raid properties where there may be a kitchen drawer full saved Sainsbury bags.

The Prime Minister said “It is estimated that if all the bags used in the UK every week were laid end to end, they would reach from London to Kabul. Coincidence? I think not.” MI6 have already compiled dossiers on plastic manufacturers across the UK, with Brown labelling them “Potential anti-environmental cells of eco-terroristical subversion.”

English Heritage have voiced some concern over the new powers, saying “Plastic bags have become part of the British landscape. Literally. All of us can remember the first time we saw one stuck in a hedge or floating down a canal. And I’d hate to think that my grandson will never know the delight of finding a plastic bag on some wasteground full of grot mags. While I see the need to protect the environment, these traditions must be preserved.”

Knutsford resident Archie Ebbsfleet is determined to fight the government’s crackdown on the small, handy items of conveyance. Ebbsfleet is a well-known Knutsford figure, often seen pushing his shopping trolley full of carrier bags around the town centre, relaxing in the central library park surrounded by urine or being asked to leave Safeway for handling the fresh fruit.

When asked what he thought about the clamp-down, Ebbsfleet stated “Yer fuckin’. Yeha. What? I dunno, pal, I wasn’t there when it happened, yer know? Hahaha. Eh? Gerroff me fuckin’ bags. Susie? Where’s Susie? I just wanna sleep now, I’m tired. GERROF ME FUCKIN’ BAGS!”