Friday, 29 February 2008

Government Declares War On Carrier Bags

"Yes, Even The Really Thin Ones Corner Shops Use" Says PM

Gordon Brown has declared all-out war on carrier bags, stating “They are the flimsy plastic axis of non-biodegradable evil. This is the greatest threat to the environmental health of our nation since the last thing we focussed on to distract from more important issues. Bird flu, wasn’t it?”

Brown has established a new cabinet post – Minister For Making People Buy Those Hessian Bags Hippies Use – and plans to rush radical new legislation through parliament. This includes 90-day detention without trial for those suspected of only using a bag once and police powers to raid properties where there may be a kitchen drawer full saved Sainsbury bags.

The Prime Minister said “It is estimated that if all the bags used in the UK every week were laid end to end, they would reach from London to Kabul. Coincidence? I think not.” MI6 have already compiled dossiers on plastic manufacturers across the UK, with Brown labelling them “Potential anti-environmental cells of eco-terroristical subversion.”

English Heritage have voiced some concern over the new powers, saying “Plastic bags have become part of the British landscape. Literally. All of us can remember the first time we saw one stuck in a hedge or floating down a canal. And I’d hate to think that my grandson will never know the delight of finding a plastic bag on some wasteground full of grot mags. While I see the need to protect the environment, these traditions must be preserved.”

Knutsford resident Archie Ebbsfleet is determined to fight the government’s crackdown on the small, handy items of conveyance. Ebbsfleet is a well-known Knutsford figure, often seen pushing his shopping trolley full of carrier bags around the town centre, relaxing in the central library park surrounded by urine or being asked to leave Safeway for handling the fresh fruit.

When asked what he thought about the clamp-down, Ebbsfleet stated “Yer fuckin’. Yeha. What? I dunno, pal, I wasn’t there when it happened, yer know? Hahaha. Eh? Gerroff me fuckin’ bags. Susie? Where’s Susie? I just wanna sleep now, I’m tired. GERROF ME FUCKIN’ BAGS!”


Lloyd Stephens said...

I knew Archie Ebbsfleet when he was called Archie Gravesend and Norhtfleet FC

Playgrounder said...

Nick's gay.

Head tilt, push microphone etc.

Turd Processor said...

Plastic bags weigh maybe?? 1gram. They were great bin liners, so now I buy 20 reusable bags weighing 20g to 50g each,they also have usage life. So how do we account for that energy and the extra work I need to do to pay for the bags. Now I have to buy bin liners, so seven to ten per week. Tell the Rudd/Brown partners in turd farming to travel less on overseas travel if they really are energy conscious. Sorry Kevin no Oscar nominations from me.