Thursday, 28 February 2008

1970s Comedian/Judge Disrupts Sentencing

"Best Of Order For The Sentencing" Demands Frilly-Shirted Judge

The sentencing of Kate Knight, found guilty of the attempted poisoning of her husband, was thrown into disarray today as the court was accidentally placed in the hands of a 1970s club comedian.

Mrs Knight was found guilty of putting antifreeze in her husband’s food, prompting Acting Lord Justice Barry Ebbsfleet to remark “Bugger me, and I thought the wife’s cooking were bad, eh? Mind you, if my missus had a dial on her like that, I’d have bloody well eaten it. Ho-ho.”

Mrs Knight attempted the murder of her husband to claim on a £130,000 payout from his employers. Justice Ebbsfleet remarked “Typical woman, eh? The only thing the missus blows of mine is me paycheck. Know what I mean, fellers? Take your glasses back to the bar.”

The murder attempt has left Mr Knight blind and partially deaf, although Justice Ebbsfleet believed “He’s a lucky bugger. I can still see mine. And even when I go down to the boozer I can still hear my wife. I wouldn’t say she’s loud but when she sneezes, the washing blows off the line. Try the veal, folks.”

The fateful meal was served to Mr Knight on the evening of the couple’s seventh wedding anniversary. Justice Ebbsfleet suggested that this should have raised his suspicions. “For my seventh anniversary, the wife asked me to take her somewhere she’d never been before. So I took her to the kitchen. I’m here all week.”

The court had heard that Mrs Knight had spoken to her neighbour about hiring a hitman. This proved, in Justice Ebbsfleet’s opinion, that “Women – they’re always bloody gassing, aren’t they? My missus asked me why I didn’t talk to her anymore. I said “I never get the flaming chance.” I tell you, she talks constantly. I’m sure she must have bloody gills. Thankyouverymuch.”

Justice Ebbsfleet rounded off the summing-up of his case with a rendition of ‘My Way’ and a reminder that a meat raffle was due to take place in Court 2 shortly.

No comments: