'Super Tuesday Is Shooter Tuesday', Says Spokesman
With Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton neck & neck in the US primaries going into Super Tuesday, the American Supremacist Sons (ASS) are feverishly anticipating who, if eventually elected president, they will mow down in a hail of bullets.
ASS are a loosely-affiliated organisation based in Alabama, whose mission statement reads: “We cherish the inalienable right of every Satan-hating American man to do whatever he goddamn pleases without some pinko, woman or spook interfering with our bidness.”
Chad Ebbsfleet, Utmost Grand Sorcerer for ASS, said “It sure is some exciting times in politics right now. Most people in Yankee states don’t want another good old boy in the White House, what with him killing a few sand-niggers and all. Seems like the Dem-o-crats are gonna get themselves a president. Our members are real divided on who they wanna gun down.
See, on the one hand we don’t wanna be pushed around by some farm boy. On minute we’re giving them the right to vote, next minute people are voting for them. Don’t make no sense. But on t’other hand, having the country run by some screeching les-bee-en? That dog won’t hunt.”
Ebbsfleet stated that the choice between assassination targets has exposed deep divisions in ASS. “Well, some of our members don’t like the idea of having to draw a bead on that boy Barack. Looks like a real limber sonofabitch and a lot of our boys have got the shakes from the DT’s. But for others, shooting a woman just don’t sit right. Don’t seem gentlemanly, if you take my drift.”
Despite some reservations, however, Ebbsfleet says ASS will make good on their promises should either Obama or Clinton be voted president. “I’ll accept the head of the supreme armed forces being some pantyhose-wearing femmy-nist or some uppity negra the day they prise my shotgun from my cold, dead, tobacco-stained hands.”
Ebbsfleet gave his interview from the State court in Birmingham, Alabama, where he faces 213 charges of racially-aggravated assault, arson and harassment. “Seriously” said State prosecutor Cray Turner “This guy is one major fuck-head.”
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