Friday, 15 February 2008

‘Suppose I Kick Your Spine Out?’ Say Smokers

LSE Professor Talks Through Arse

Pro-smoking groups have hit back at a proposed ‘smoking permit’ law by suggesting a tandem ‘Mealymouthed Priggish Fuck’ scheme.

The debate was started after LSE professor Julian Le Grand suggested introducing a yearly £10 ‘smoking permit’, which would need to be presented before buying tobacco.

"Suppose every individual who wanted to buy tobacco had to purchase a permit. And suppose further they had to do this every year.” said Le Grand. “To get a permit would involve filling out a form and supplying a photograph, as well as paying the fee. Permits would only be issued to those over 18 and evidence of age would have to be provided. The money raised would go to the NHS."

Pro-smoking spokesman Tab Ebbsfleet reacted to Le Grand’s statement by saying “Good point. Interesting. But how about this? Suppose we found out where you lived? And suppose further we kicked your fucking spine up through your shirt collar, you prissy, meddling little cunt? Suppose we did that, eh? Eh?”

Le Grand has branded his scheme an example of “Libertarian Paternalism”, but Ebbsfleet preferred to call it an example of “Smart-arsed nannying bumwad.”

“Okay, here’s an idea, then.” Ebbsfleet continued “How about this? If anybody wants to be a presumptuous, interfering, po-faced, joyless little prick they have to present a photo permit? Before being allowed to pontificate like some Victorian nanny, they had to wave one of them around. It could say ‘Authorised Fun Vacuum’ on it or something.”

Le Grand’s paper went on to suggest daily ‘exercise hours’ for employees as well as banning salt in processed food. He told press “Off the record, I also think we should bury anybody with impure blood in a landfill, measure people’s craniums to assess their criminality and shoot anybody who isn’t tall, blond and can do 200 push-ups.”

A Department Of Health spokesman commented on Le Grand’s proposal by saying “Oh, yeah, we’ll get onto that straight away. Just as soon as we’ve implanted a chip into everybody’s brain that tells them not to eat pasties. Fucking idiot.”


Spider said...

Cracking stuff as ever, Mr P.

Gorilla Bananas said...

He must have been smoking something to come up with a harebrained idea like that.

faceless said...

great stuff - keep it up

(it was A.V who edited your posts on that other site if you don't know already)

Anonymous said...

Love the language.

Anonymous said...

I'm furious.

Anonymous said...

I angry, but I find you attractive. I'm bi-furious

Anonymous said...

Smoking should be banned entirely. I'm a smoker and it's my right to feel much cooler than everyone else, and this can only be achieved with a total ban.

/seriously though, 5 stars for the spine kicking idea. 5 yellow stars.