Wednesday, 6 February 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up

The Home Office is considering reclassifying Amy Winehouse as a Class B substance. There are fears that Amy Winehouse is proving to be far more potent than first thought. “After what’s happened over the last twelve months, we feel possession of Amy Winehouse should be punishable by up to three years in jail” said spokesman Rex Ebbsfleet. “Kids may think that hanging out with Winehouse is just a bit of fun, harmless even. But we have documentary evidence to prove it can lead to hard drug use, imprisonment and fucking awful tattoos”.

Ahead of his first game in charge tonight, Fabio Capello has instigated a new regime in which players are encouraged to “Act their fucking age”. FA chief Brian Barwick said “Capello brings with him years of experience, obviously, but he also has new and exciting ways of managing the England squad. Behaving like adults, treating the thing like an actual job rather than a 3-day beano and actually giving a crusty shit about their performance are all things Capello is asking the players to focus on. It’s a whole new way of thinking, but we hope it will garner results” After tonight’s game, it is expected that Capello will implement his revolutionary “You’re sodding useless and you’re out of the squad” technique.

Following Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s plan to confiscate any alcohol being carried by under-18s, further plans to take candy from babies is also being considered. “We must be ceaseless in our pursuit of physical perfection” said Smith “And police should have the right to steal sweeties from kids who look like they may grow up to be fatties.” Another element of the scheme will be a new “Stop & Give Me 20 Press-Ups” power to be awarded to police.

Mark Dixie, the man accused of raping and murdering model Sally Anne Bowman, has had his defence plea dismissed as being “Stupendously childish”. After Dixie stated he’d had sex with Bowman’s dead body after he’d found her in the street, prosecution lawyers said “Essentially, he’s using an excuse I haven’t used since I was twelve – It Was Like This When I Found It.”
Dixie’s other lines of defence have included “You’re always blaming me” “S’not fair” and “Shut uuuuup”. Prosecution are expected to counter Dixie’s claims by stating “Hnngghh! Chinny reckon! Jimmy Hill!”

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