Archbishop Breaks Hypocrisy World Record

Dr Williams Wins Golden Pot/Kettle Award

Dr Rowan Williams entered the Guinness Book Of Records today by eclipsing the previously-held record in rank two-faced-ness during a discussion on the credit crunch. The Archbishop was speaking on The Today Program from his residence at Lambeth Palace, which is situated amongst sumptuous grounds and is tended to by dozens of members of staff.

During his talk, Dr Williams stated that the credit crunch was a “Welcome reality check in a climate of unsustainable greed”, a lack of sustainability that he acknowledged was not shared by the Church of England, currently estimated to be worth over four billion pounds.

This, however, was merely a warm up for Dr Williams’ world hypocrisy record attempt, which arrived when he stated that the credit crunch showed that Britain had "accepted the message that it's not possible to have an endless spiral of accumulating wealth that has nothing to do with producing anything".

On hearing Williams’ statement, presenter Evan Davis was heard to fall backwards off his chair in hysterical laughter. Just before he was dragged out of the studio by a producer, Davis was heard to shout at the Archbishop “Not producing anything?! That’s fucking rich coming from a bunch of layabout psychic leeches like you gang of cu…”

Unperturbed by Davis’ outburst, Dr Williams finished with a flourish, adding "I think there are some huge moral lessons to be learnt about the nature of accumulating wealth.” At this point The Today Program had to cut to a pre-recorded segment as Dr Williams’ staggering achievement in bare-faced double standards was so massive it fused several pieces of studio equipment.

The Church Of England’s press department made a short statement regarding Dr Williams’ comments. “As a clergyman of over 30 years, Dr Williams has a great pedigree in displaying mind-boggling levels of hypocrisy” said spokesdeacon Samuel Ebbsfleet. “But with this, he’s really raised the bar. I’d like to see the Catholics top that one. Although if anyone can, I’m sure it would be that lot.”

The Bishop Of Southwark, asked about Dr Williams comments, merely replied “He’s the Archbishop of Canterbury. It’s what he does. And I’m the Bishop of Southwark. It’s what I do. Nowgivvuzapoundforracanofspeshyoufugga….”

Pietersen Thanks Mumbai Terrorists

Violent Outrage Stops England Looking Right Cunts

As England cancelled their forthcoming pastings at the hands of their Indian cricketing superiors due to ongoing violence in India, captain Kevin Pietersen has personally thanked the head of the armed guerrillas, saying “We were due to have our arses handed to us on a plate over and over again in the last two games. Seriously, Flintoff hasn’t stopped crying for two days. It was getting ridiculous. But now we can go home with some modicum of sporting pride. Nice work, lads. Thanks.”

England were trailing their 7-match one-day series with India by five games to nil after displays of batting ineptitude described by one ECB member as “Like watching a paraplegic trying to eat noodles with a ladder.” England’s bowling has been scarcely better, with the Indian batsmen reduced to waving their arms about and blowing whistles to ensure the ball was delivered in approximately the same region as the wicket.

Most experts were predicting a 7-0 whitewash for England, with Ian Botham dubbing England’s performance’s as “The worst cricketing witnessed since the old opening credits to ‘Neighbours.’” But the tour has been cut short following the violent terrorist attacks in Mumbai by the ECB on the grounds of safety.

“We must protect our team from any risk of harm” said ECB person WG Ebbsfleet. “By ending the series now, we believe we have done that. Because if they’d have come home 7-0 losers there would have been a howling mob of cricket fans waiting at the airport to insert the team’s bats sideways into their rectums.”

The move has been applauded by Gordon Brown who also took time to denounce the terrorist atrocities in India. “At a time like this, whether or not India beat us like a Haringey toddler at cricket is neither here nor there. Let’s call that series a draw, yes? I wish to take this opportunity to denounce the evil acts of these violent terrorists and will happily talk about it at length so long as nobody asks me exactly how I’m going to magic £20 billion out of my arse before the next election.”

Meanwhile, the English FA have asked for regular updates on the movements of the Indian terrorists. “We need to know who these guys are, how they work and what they’re planning next.” said one FA member “And whether there’s any chance they could do their stuff in South Africa in 2012 if our lads are getting a hiding in the group stages.”

Gerrard’s Nan Had Died, Says Benitez

“No, Not That One, The Other One” Insists Liverpool Manager

After Steven Gerrard was summoned to the England training camp by Fabio Capello despite being declared unfit to play, Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez has dramatically changed his story, stating “No, that was a problem with my English. I may have told Capello ‘Gerrard, he cannot play because of his groin injury’ but my English is still not of the requisite standard required to convey complex concepts. What I meant to say was that his nan had died.”

As Gerrard faced a scan conducted by England doctors to ascertain whether the micro-foreheaded midfielder had any form of groin strain, Benitez made frantic last-minute calls to Capello. “Stevie might come to the training ground saying he’s hurt his groin” Benitez informed the England manager “But he’s just really confused and upset about his nan. What? No, that was his other nan, on his mum’s side. She died just before England played that friendly against The Vatican City, remember?”

Benitez insists that Liverpool have not tried to deceive the England camp, stating “Of course I do not mind my most valuable player coming back from a meaningless kickabout in several separate boxes. Every player has a real desire to play for his country – well, not Jamie, obviously, but most of them. But the fact we’re about to enter a flurry of games that could ultimately decide my fate as a manager does not mean I’d make something up about his happy region being on the blink.”

Gerrard is not the only player to be summoned to his national training camp after claiming injury. Capello faces a severely depleted squad with seven of his first-choice squad missing with injuries ranging from “A partially-torn cruciate” to “An attack of the vapours”. Ashley Cole is also believed to be missing due to “A severely bruised ego” and serious rectal trauma sustained while he was stepping out of the bath and accidentally sat on a bottle of Cheryl’s Mum roll-on deodorant and he tried getting out himself which is why there’s KY Jelly around it and it just got stuck and what are the chances of that happening.

Joachim Low is said to be unperturbed by the problems in the England camp, telling English journalists “We know England are a strong side and we expect them to give us a good game on Wednesday. It is a chance to test new players and we ca…OH YES, VERY FUNNY WITH THE THEME OF THE DAMUBUSTERS! YOU MAYBE WISH TO CHANGE THE RECORD, YES?”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

George Michael Apologises For Wham
“I Clearly Need Help” Says Club Tropicana Singer

George Michael held a hastily-arranged press conference this morning to publicly apologise for his many years of music abuse. “I’ve screwed up, over and over and over and over again” said the tearful star. “From Wham Rap, through Careless Whisper to that one about George Bush that nobody bought, I’ve taken advantage of my fan’s trust to release inspid singles onto an undeserving public.”

Many music insiders feel that patience is wearing thin for the strangely-bearded singer and that his apology might be too little too late. Chips Ebbsfleet of music website Tune A Sandwich said “I think in the 80’s people were a lot more forgiving. Sure, Michael did a hell of a lot of gaudy, poorly-written pop but everyone was doing it at the time.”

The singer is expected to check into a songwriting clinic to “Rid myself of my many demons – limp funk, 5th-form poetry and pretensions to proper soul music.” At time of press, Andrew Ridgely was unavailable for comment. “His shift doesn’t start until 3pm, mate.” explained the manager of A1 Minicabs.


Britain ‘Flooded With Worthless Pound Coins’
‘All Of Them Buy Precisely Tits-All’ Says Royal Mint

The Bank Of England has warned consumers that every pound coin in circulation in Britain is basically just a round bit of scrap metal. “The problem started several months ago when the economy screwed the pooch in spectacular style” said Mint person Tasty Knutsford. “People were confusing them with the South African 5 Rand coin. Not so much because they look the same as because they’ve become worth the same.”

Knutsford continued “The worthless pound coins are very easy to identify. If it’s got “One Pound” written on one side and a picture of the Queen looking smug because she’s still worth a fucking fortune on the other side, then you’ve got yourself one of the worthless ones. You may as well toss them into a wishing well and pray for a topless bird to appear driving an Aston Martin for all the use they are.”

British Telecom ‘Can Fuck Off’ Says Customer

‘No, Really Right Fucking Off’ Customer Adds

After failing to resolve the simplest of faults on a telephone line after two months, a BT customer has stated that “British Telecom can take all their absent engineers, gormless call centre staff, shit technology, woeful customer service skills and fling them all at a shit-covered threshing machine.” They went on to add “And you can include that gormless cunt in their adverts, too.”

After reporting a poor connection on their telephone line two bastard months ago, the BT customer, who wishes to remain nameless, has yet to have the fault rectified. “I use the phone line for broadband to update a daily satirical blog I write” the anonymous customer explained “But thanks to the phone line BT have provided me with, I’d be quicker tattooing the words onto a fucking carrier pigeon to get the job done.”

Excuses for not carrying out the repair works have ranged from “A system failure in our engineer booking department” & “A previously undiagnosed exchange fault” to “The incorrect alignment of Jupiter and Pluto” & “Running out of phone wire stuff.” Despite this, BT have called the customer an average of every three times a week to tell him the line has been fixed.

“Fixed, is it?” the complainant responded. “So whenever I pick up the phone, I meant to hear the sound of The Jesus & Mary Chain frying bacon, am I?” In an attempt to reach a resolution, the anonymous customer will suggest to BT that he’ll pay his bill when they learn to whistle The Star Spangled Banner out of their arse. The useless horde of cunts.

Church Of England To Allow Atheist Bishops

“Let’s Not Get Hung Up On The Whole God Thing” Says Dr Williams

The Church of England’s General Synod (NB: General Synod is the legislative body of the CoE and not, as previously thought, Darth Vader’s second in command) has overturned hundreds of years of doctrine by allowing atheist bishops.

Dr Rowan Williams stated “Belief in a benevolent, all-knowing creator is a matter of personal choice. If somebody can carry off wearing a surplice, keeps their hands off the kids and can pull in the punters, quite frankly they can believe the world was pooped out the bottom of a giant astral meerkat for all I care.”

The move follows the synod’s decision to allow female bishops, which commentators feel was due to many Archbishop’s inability to explain what a woman actually was in public. When the synod was questioned what physical attributes should bar people from wearing daft hats and organising tombolas, Dr Williams stammered for several minutes, flushed visibly, muttered something about “boobies” before deciding to allow women into their club.

But conservative elements within the CoE feel that the synod has taken a step too far. Eliasaph Ebbsfleet, chief wrangler for the Church of the Saturday Saints, has warned that the very foundation of the mother church is at risk. “God is on record as clearly stating that if you don’t believe in him, he will beat the living tar out of you for all eternity. The idea that somebody can now waltz into a cushy six-figure job without even thinking his boss exists is plain lunacy.”

“The Bible is clear on a number of other issues. Not least of which is that women are just bloody awful. Look, it says here in Corinthians: ‘Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak’. But try telling that to parishioners these days and you’ll get a size four Jimmy Choo in your clackers.”

Ebbsfleet feels standards have been slipping for several years. “Personally, I reckon it’s all gone bollocks-up since they started letting that Titchmarsh feller present Songs Of Praise. Awful man.”

France Waves Wads Of Euros At Britain

Thousands Laugh Throatily While Groping Sexy Waitresses

France continued its campaign of making the UK feel inadequate, unimportant and pathetic by lining up along the coast of Calais and waving large denomination notes in the direction of Dover before setting fire to them. Dover coastguards reported hearing the crowd chanting “We have metric tonnes more of zis at home, you know?”

The humiliation started earlier in the week with the visit of French president Nicolas Sarkozy, when the visiting premier looked like a gracefully-aging crooner next to Gordon Brown’s civil-servant-with-angina appearance. Sarkozy compounded matters by introducing the Browns to his new wife, Carla Bruni. Brown was alleged to have looked at Bruni – a singer / model / heiress that looks like a sexy Roswell alien – before turning to his own wife and muttering “And I‘ve got another thirty years with that Yeti. Christ.” under his breath.

Sarkozy was also invited to a banquet at Buckingham Palace, where he was heard to remark “Zis is all very nice, but in my country we dealt with these parasites 200 years ago. In France, all zis would be, how you say, an art gallery with maybe a café selling incredibly tasty coffee.”

Matters were made worse last night with England’s 1-0 defeat to France in an international friendly. “We’ve got egg all over our faces.” said part-time England captain and full-time moron Rio Ferdinand. “But it’s beautifully creamy, free range egg cooked with fresh butter and just a hint of herbs. The buggers can make even something as simple as that taste lovely.” England manager Capello confirmed that the humble pie England were forced to eat by the French was “So tasty, many of the players had seconds. The pastry melted in the mouth and the filling was rich, beautifully cooked and packed with flavour. What’s worse is that it only took them 15 minutes to prepare it. Ribery apparently whipped it up in the dressing room at half time.”

International Relations expert Franck Ebbsfleet has warned that more is to follow. “By Saturday, I fully expect the French airforce to drop thousands of leaflets over Kent that boast about house prices in Ardennes. Bastards.”

Gascoigne ‘No Longer Funny’

'Fog In The Mind Is All Mine' Says Former England Moron

Following his detention under the Mental Health Act, sports brain specialist Gary Ebbsfleet has declared that Paul Gascoigne’s behaviour is ‘No longer funny. As of today, rather than chuckling indulgently at the antics of a maverick sports genius, we should immediately shake our heads sadly at the tragic decline of a sports genius. It’s a difficult transition, but I would ask the public to make the effort.’

Ebbsfleet feels that recent events show that the public will be able to make this sudden switch of sporting emotions, with everybody stopping hating Manchester United for a day because of the anniversary of the Munich Air Disaster.

Gascoigne has had a eventful life, with many experts dubbing him ‘The most talented England midfielder ever to make an advert with Gary Lineker’. Gascoigne’s England career, in which he scored a whopping one goal more than Colin Bell, is best remembered for the Italia 90 semifinal against Germany. Having been properly punished for something he shouldn’t have actually done, Gascoigne realised he wouldn’t be able to appear in a match England never actually played in. When the true enormity of the hypothetical situation sunk in, Gascoigne famously abandoned the duties he’d been put onto the pitch to do and started crying. Thus a legend was born.

Gascoigne took no time in capitalising on his new-found fame by drinking like a wino on New Year’s Eve, sticking his tongue out at cameras, wearing strap-on plastic tits, knocking the shite out of his wife and trying to decapitate Garry Parker in the FA Cup final.

His career was plagued with injury following that game, as his continued drinking, fucking around in nightclubs and eating more than a tapeworm at a free buffet hindered a return to form. As a result, fans only saw occasional flickers of the formerly bright spark, such as insulting the Italian press and inciting sectarian violence whilst at Rangers.

But Ebbsfleet feels that the Gascoigne the public once knew and formerly tolerated despite being a drunken, wifebeating fucking idiot is no more. “If you’ve seen recent footage of him, he looks like a half-starved turkey that has seen too much. I doubt we’ll see Alan Shearer smiling benevolently as Gazza babbles incoherently ever again.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up

ENTERTAINMENT:
The Home Office is considering reclassifying Amy Winehouse as a Class B substance. There are fears that Amy Winehouse is proving to be far more potent than first thought. “After what’s happened over the last twelve months, we feel possession of Amy Winehouse should be punishable by up to three years in jail” said spokesman Rex Ebbsfleet. “Kids may think that hanging out with Winehouse is just a bit of fun, harmless even. But we have documentary evidence to prove it can lead to hard drug use, imprisonment and fucking awful tattoos”.

SPORT:
Ahead of his first game in charge tonight, Fabio Capello has instigated a new regime in which players are encouraged to “Act their fucking age”. FA chief Brian Barwick said “Capello brings with him years of experience, obviously, but he also has new and exciting ways of managing the England squad. Behaving like adults, treating the thing like an actual job rather than a 3-day beano and actually giving a crusty shit about their performance are all things Capello is asking the players to focus on. It’s a whole new way of thinking, but we hope it will garner results” After tonight’s game, it is expected that Capello will implement his revolutionary “You’re sodding useless and you’re out of the squad” technique.

POLITICS:

Following Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s plan to confiscate any alcohol being carried by under-18s, further plans to take candy from babies is also being considered. “We must be ceaseless in our pursuit of physical perfection” said Smith “And police should have the right to steal sweeties from kids who look like they may grow up to be fatties.” Another element of the scheme will be a new “Stop & Give Me 20 Press-Ups” power to be awarded to police.

CRIME:
Mark Dixie, the man accused of raping and murdering model Sally Anne Bowman, has had his defence plea dismissed as being “Stupendously childish”. After Dixie stated he’d had sex with Bowman’s dead body after he’d found her in the street, prosecution lawyers said “Essentially, he’s using an excuse I haven’t used since I was twelve – It Was Like This When I Found It.”
Dixie’s other lines of defence have included “You’re always blaming me” “S’not fair” and “Shut uuuuup”. Prosecution are expected to counter Dixie’s claims by stating “Hnngghh! Chinny reckon! Jimmy Hill!”