Monday, 30 June 2008

Martial Law Declared After Celebrity Relative Killed

“Dead Proles Is One Thing, But Enough’s Enough” Say MET

The war against knife crime was escalated yesterday as it was discovered that the latest youth to be murdered was related to somebody off the telly. In news that has rocked the nation’s capital to the very core of its soul of the heart of its being, the Metropolitan Police confirmed that Ben Kinsella, the victim of Sunday’s stabbing, came out of the same womb as somebody that’s been on Eastenders and everything.

“Being stabbed to death by a pack of feral, blank-eyed teenagers is a daily fact of life for anybody living in London” said Met spokesman Higson Ebbsfleet. “I don’t think any reasonable person is expecting us to do anything about that. We’re not supermen, after all.”

“But this latest senseless murder was just too close for comfort. If Mr Kinsella’s sister, who is friends with Linda Robson you know, had been walking along with him…well, it’s just too horrific to even think about.”

A London-wide curfew of 8pm is expected to be imposed by the end of the week, with anyone out after this time not in possession of an Equity card to be flung into a cage with a rabid gibbon.

“We must protect our nation’s famous people, and their relatives” continued Ebbsfleet. “And if that means providing a personal escort for every last one of them, then that’s what we’ll do. I think the public will agree that, while their own safety isn’t worth a fart in a lift, making sure that people that can sing or act or dance a bit never have to experience brutal, demoralising violence is our key priority.”

When asked whether any charges are being brought in the murders of Henry Bolombi or Sharmaake Hassan, Ebbsfleet stated “Never heard of them. But I’m afraid without a white-sounding name or a celebrity relative, there’s very little for the police to go on. Now, please be careful on your journey home because if something happens, let’s be honest, there’s fuck-all we’ll do about it.”

Friday, 27 June 2008

John Leslie To Stand As Labour MP

Presenter To Run On “I Will Have Your Vote” Slogan

Following last night’s disastrous Henley by-election – which saw Labour poll just 17 votes – party mandarins have turned to the world of celebrity for future candidates in an attempt to woo back voters.

Labour finished an embarrassing sixth in the by-election, behind the Conservatives, Lib Dems, Green Party, BNP and the Satanic/Paedophile Alliance. Defeated Labour candidate Chesney Ebbsfleet was quick to put a positive spin on the result, however. “It often happens in local elections that the pig-faced proles decide to give the government a bloody nose, just because they don’t want to pay £4000 for a trolley of shopping or watch their kids being spattered into pate on an Afghanistan hillside.”

“But come the general election I’m confident that those people who haven’t hung themselves from the rafters of their negative-equity house and can afford the petrol to drive to the polling booths will keep us in power. In fact, I think the public will demand that Labour stay in power until the end of recorded history.”

Ebbsfleet was later escorted from Henley in an unmarked ambulance and is believed to be under heavy sedation in his Knutsford home. Labour chiefs, meanwhile, have been quick to round up celebrity candidates for forthcoming by-elections.

An inside source stated “They’ve already lined up John Leslie, as they feel he can be very persuasive in compelling people to do painful things they really don’t want to do, like voting Labour. They want a man that can handle pressurised situations, such as being accused of a series of disgusting, aggressive sexual assaults. And importantly, he does look good in a suit.”

Other high-profile figures - such as Michael Barrymore, Jade Goody and Ian Huntley - have been sounded out, with Goody reportedly asking what an MP is, Barrymore giving a tentative “Awoight” to the idea and Huntley stating “Don’t you think I get enough fucking grief as it is?”

Thursday, 26 June 2008

Rising Stars Of Glastonbury Named

“Angry Shitcake Will Shift Massive Units” Says Eavis

With Glastonbury 2008 due to kick off tomorrow, upside-down-headed organiser Michael Eavis has given Pushjelly the lowdown on the potential breakthrough acts in this year’s festival:

Angry Shitcake
“These fellers do 4000bpm backstep speedgore better than anyone else in the business. Expect them to be huge by this time next year. Almost as huge, in fact, as the camping area at this year’s festival, where tickets are still available.”

The North Korean Relativist Symphonia
“They’re headlining our Global Classical tent on Saturday and the punters should be prepared to be blown away. They play slowed-down Bach using water cannons and tear gas canisters. It’s like watching that film ‘Amadeus’ during a heroin-fuelled riot. Almost as relaxing as the many aromatherapy tents onsite, which people can visit should they buy some of the remaining tickets.”

How! NOW Brown? Cow;
“Experimental folkpunk. Hayseed Ebbsfleet sings about his times as a leek wrangler in Romania. It’s an explosion of fiddles, fireworks and badly tarmacked drives. The Fanzine ‘Folk Me’ said they make the entire works of Bob Dylan not only redundant, but unemployable. It’s their only UK gig this year, so if you want to see them, I think Ticketmaster still has a few hundred tickets left.”

Shakin Stevens
“I’m going to level with you here – I’m not really sure how this feller got onto the bill. My daughter says he was doing some landscape gardening for her, odd jobs, stuff like that and he asked whether there was any chance of appearing at this year’s festival. She assumed he was asking for tickets – which can still be purchased online – and she said she’d see what she could do. Next thing we know we get a backstage rider request for 300 slices of rarebit and enough Brain’s Bitter to drown a zebra.”

Eavis went on to defend the lineup, which many attribute to the falling ticket sales. “Look, I could bung a pig on the stage, get him to run across a ladder full of spoons and 70,000 skunked-up halfwits would still show up. But if we don’t sell out this year, Greenpeace can take a diving fuck at a spinning donut for any contributions.”

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Law Lords To “Stitch Up Grasses”

“You Got Something To Say? I’m Right Here” Say Experts

In a landmark ruling, the Law Lords have decided “If some dirty nonce wants to run his mouth off, then he’s going to need the stones to do it to a man’s face. You get me?”

After ruling that anonymous witness testimony was not admissible in criminal cases, the Law Lords have stated “Some bloke pulls off a tickle and thinks he’s home and hosed, yeah? Then some silly bollocks who can’t hold his shandy goes flapping his gills to the rozzers. Well, if he fancies his chances after doing that, then good luck to him.”

“But no, now they’re changing his name, moving him to a new gaff and stopping an honest businessman from calling on him at three in the morning and asking about the health of his wife and kids. Diabolical, that is.”

Senior Defence lawyer Wyndham Ebbsfleet expressed his concern at the ruling, however. “Well, I might as well piss off home right now, mightn’t I? Would you give evidence against some nutbar who you witnessed sawing a man’s head off with a metal comb if his mates could follow your family home afterwards? Me neither. Sod that for a game of bollock-tennis. I tell you what, I’ve got a witness who’s testifying against a violent armed robber. Do you want me to give you his home address while I’m here? Fuck’s sake.”

Gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said “We need to ensure the safety of people wishing to give evidence in high-profile cases. Unless they do drugs. Or they’re brown. Not to worry, we’ll knock up some arbitrary bit of legislation this afternoon to get around the ruling. I mean, what’s the point of having legal experts rule on matters of law if a hare-brained lunatic like myself can’t simply circumvent their advice? That’s democracy, that is.”

Smith then went on to explain why Boney M were subversive terrorists and how amphetamines made your fanny heal over.

Friday, 20 June 2008

‘Beasting’ Part Of Cost-Cutting Drive, Say MOD

“We Can Save Up To £100K Per Dead Squaddie” Says Browne

Following criticism of the death of Private Gavin Williams during a ‘beasting’ punishment session at Lucknow Barracks, Defence Secretary Des Browne has hit back, stating “What, would you rather some dirty foreigner did it instead?”

Browne was speaking at the inquest into Williams’ death in July 2007, where he defended the army’s right to kick the shit out of whomever they wanted, including their own soldiers.

“Many people feel that the war in the Middle East has been a monstrous waste of money and a humanitarian disaster. Really, many, many people. Everybody, really. Just a terrible, terrible, dreadful waste” said Browne, pausing briefly to stare into the distance as if expecting to see the Grim Reaper himself on the horizon waving his scythe around like a gap-toothed yokel outside Frankenstein’s castle.

“However” he continued after composing himself “we are doing everything we can to rectify this, and one method is to punt the squaddies around the training ground like a beachball at a Rolling Stones concert until they drown in their own fear-induced piss. British soldiers are the best in the world and I’m sure it will be a real comfort to Private Williams’ family to know that he was tortured to death with the efficiency and professionalism the British armed forces are famed for from Amritsar to Peterloo.”

Browne went on to state that by killing soldiers in the UK, the MOD can save hundreds of thousands of taxpayer’s pounds. “Never mind the cost of transportation, equipment and whatnot. If we bump them off in the UK then call it a suicide, their families can go tickle for a war pension, too. Quids in.”

Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Gordon Brown Does A Runner

PM’s Phone Switched Off Since Yesterday

Following the fuel crisis, disastrous by-election results and the continuing war in the Middle East, reports are coming in that Gordon Brown has done a moonlight flit. Details are still sketchy, but there are reports that Number 10 has clothes strewn all over the place, half-eaten meals still on the dining table, and a pile of letters marked “Ministry Of Defence – URGENT” on the doormat.

An anonymous colleague stated “After all the grief he’s been getting over the last few months, I think Gordon’s realised he’s not going to be able to dodge everyone who’s after him. He’s obviously given everyone a Govan bodyswerve.”

The Bank Of England were quick to issue a statement: “We have been trying to contact Mr Brown for several months over irregularities in the budget. Initially he would return our calls, making vague comments about prudent economic changes in the pipeline. But when the housing market went cocks-down, whenever we called him it would just go to voicemail.”

Unconfirmed reports have suggested that Brown is kipping on George Bush’s couch until the whole thing blows over. “Bush has always had a lot of time for Brown” said one insider “Maybe Brown feels that America is far enough away from the mess he’s left behind. Bush has a sweet entertainment room too, with an Xbox, Sky+ and a kicking stereo. I think the PM will probably mooch off of Bush until his wife tells him to kick him out.”

Gordon Brown’s mother denied any knowledge of where her son is, saying “I dinnae ken wit’s wrong with the wee shite. A’m no havin’ the head o’ the EU knockin’ on ma door makin’ a holy show in front o’ the neighbours. You see him, right, and you can tell him I’ll take ma hand off his face next time I see him.”

Tony Blair has already tried to distance himself from the PM’s disappearing act. “Hey, look, we worked together for a while, yeah?” said the former war criminal “But if you’ve got problems with inflation that’s totally down to him, okay?”

Gordon Brown’s wife has allegedly applied for a crisis loan to cope with the PM’s sudden disappearance.

Monday, 16 June 2008

Burrell “Didn’t Even Get Tops & Fingers” Say Palace

Palace Call Burrell Claims “Arsecock”

Palace officials have been quick to deny Paul Burrell’s claims to have had sex with Diana Spencer, calling his allegations “A bunch of hairy arsecock. Unpasteurised bullhonky. In short, as convincing as Jude Law’s acting.”

News of Burrell‘s claims surfaced in Sunday’s News Of The World, alongside pictures of ropey tarts who’ve recently sucked off lower division footballers. In an exclusive article (inasmuch as no other paper was prepared to print such unfounded guff), Burrell made several boasts regarding his relationship with the dead royal.

“Diana was a very demanding, emotional woman” claims Burrell. “I was on call 24/7 as part of my job. But that soon developed into constant demands for ball-gagging, dirty sanchez’s and Venetian dry-tagging. All kinds of mucky stuff involving tits and everything.”

Burrell even claimed to have had sex with Diana during an official visit to Great Ormond Street hospital. “We were visiting some kids that had limbs missing. Landmines or something. Anyway, Diana whispered that all these pre-teen amputees were making her really hot. The next minute I’m balls-deep in royal poon in a cleaning cupboard.”

Royal expert Foxton Ebbsfleet was quick to discredit Burrell. “Burrell is a liar, a communist, a humbug and, quite frankly, common. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest Diana ever had sex with anybody, let alone a fat potato-headed oik like him. Her two children were merely the accidental by-product of sitting on the toilet shortly after Charles. She was a chaste, pure lady who never screwed her way through shifty foreigners, rugby players and the like.”

A spokesman for the palace give a more straightforward rebuttal, however. “Of course Burrell’s making it up. In order for him to have had sex with Diana, he would have to not be as gay as a pink poster for a Village People gig. Which he clearly is. The man’s 100% into the brown.”

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Fern Britton Eases Fuel Crisis

TV Presenter “A Walking OPEC State” Say Experts.

In a response to the deepening fuel crisis, the government has taken the radical step of mining mumsy TV presenter Fern Britton for her natural reserves of oil.

Delia Ebbsfleet, the Minister For Petrol, confirmed today that Britton has been drained of several thousand barrels of oil, to be held in storage should the current situation worsen. “We asked that Ms Britton release some guff story about a gastric band to explain her changed appearance as we didn’t want to cause national panic” said Ebbsfleet. “But the truth is, BP have installed a refinery in her back garden and each evening have been extracting tallow from her. We would like to take this opportunity to thank Ms Britton for her cooperation and to go on record as saying we think she is far better than that shaky gin sponge Judy Finnegan.”

Fern Britton held a press conference outside her Hampshire home this morning which had to be abandoned after she collapsed in a fit of giggles when Philip Schofield held up a phallic-shaped piece of fruit.

Meanwhile, Delia Ebbsfleet urged the public to remain calm. “Britain’s natural reserves of oil are plentiful and there is no need for panic. We will, if necessary, call in Jonny Vegas and that bloke from Gavin & Stacey to maintain levels. We do not feel the situation warrants accessing our emergency Dawn French supplies, although fuel chiefs have estimated they would keep Britain’s transport system going well into 2017.”

Spike Bronson, Lecturer in Celebrity Studies at Knustford University, states that this is not the first time the government has had to take such action. “During the 1973 fuel crisis, Eddie Large and that little woman who used to dance in Russ Abbott’s program were put on standby for six months. They released Large in the end as they couldn’t bear to hear his Deputy Dawg impersonation for the 15,000th fucking time.”

Tuesday, 10 June 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Ferguson Sues Strachan For Being ‘Scottish & Grumpy’

Following the complaint made against real Madrid for tapping-up the cheating acquitted date-rapist Ronaldo, one-man strop factory Ferguson has decided to sue Gordon Strachan for “Being Scottish, a football manager and a mardy bugger.”

“There’s no place for it in the modern game.” said the ruddy-nosed timelord. “Man Utd has always stuck to the rules about not having a cantankerous Caledonian manager so it’s not fair that others should get away with it” he continued while overseeing a vicious argument between a pot and a kettle. The American merchandising conglomerate is also considering suing Middlesbrough FC for playing in red and having an ‘M’ in their name.

At time of press, Jaap Stam was unavailable for comment.

Dolphin Deaths ‘A Blow Against Terrorism’ Say Government

The recent death of 26 dolphins in a Cornwall estuary was “A near-miss for the safety of the British peoples” announced unhinged Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today.

“Our security services have revealed to me that none of the dead animals had travel visas, passports or jobs in the UK” continued the swivel-eyed cabinet minister. “It’s well known that dolphins are extremely intelligent, so is it so far-fetched to imagine they had fallen under the spell of some aquatic mullah and were bent on fundamentalist explosivism? I think not.

They were clearly headed for Bristol to target strategic, erm, targets. Lord knows what carnage they could have wreaked had they managed to get a lift on the M4.”

Smith went on to reveal government plans to detain all migratory birds for 42 days to ensure their winter sojourns to sunnier climes have not included indoctrination in terrorist training camps.

Shot Officer ‘Looked Shifty’ Say Police Experts

PC Ian Terry, shot during a firearms exercise in Manchester yesterday “Could easily have been mistaken for a shifty foreigner” said Manchester police chiefs. Terry had recently returned from a fortnight in Alicante and was heavily suntanned, say colleagues, so could easily have been mistaken for somebody who was neither white nor British.

Police chiefs are looking into how an officer of Terry’s appearance could have been allowed near adrenaline-hyped policeman with access to heavy firearms. One expert dubbed it “An accident waiting to happen.”

Manchester police are attempting to play down the incident, stating “Ian Terry was a normal, law-abiding bloke going about his business. If the police can’t gun somebody like that down in cold blood then it’s a sad day for coppers everywhere.”

Monday, 9 June 2008

Hyde Park Bukkake Protest “A Success” Say Organisers

World Leaders Must Listen To Our Grunts, Say Protestors

An open-air bukkake party held in London’s Hyde Park to highlight global warming was “An unqualified, gooey triumph” according to Reed Ebbsfleet, head of the political pressure group “A Face Full Of Love”.

Over 200 engorged protestors gathered near the Diana Memorial Fountain to protest against “People burning coal and stuff” by jettisoning ounces of reproductive juice onto AFFOL spokeswoman target Candi.

Candi, an actress/model/human spittoon from Knutsford voiced her delight in being able to help out such a worthy cause. “I like trees and polar bears and that, so looking like a cake iced by a lunatic with Parkinsons is a small price to pay” said Candi as she washed the stringy mess from her hair.

Police were on standby but no arrests were reported and a Met spokesmen said “They were a good-natured, peaceful crowd who just wanted to empty their nutsacks in protest. Better than those Pro-Hunt lot. Bunch of stuck-up turds.”

Ebssfleet founded AFFOL in 2003. On the organisation’s website he cites a trip to Japan as being the inspiration behind AFFOL’s work. “I’d gone over to Tokyo to get some magazines you can’t buy in England and a friend pointed out to me that my trip for wank fodder had caused a carbon footprint equivalent to 60,000 trips to the corner shop to buy a copy of Razzle. It was then I realised that I had to combine my love of protein showers and environmental issues.”

A video of the protest was sent to the Secretary of State for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs, Hillary Benn. A government insider stated that Benn was visibly moved by footage of the protest, saying “What’s…hang on, what are they?....Aww, Jesus I’m gonna spew…Turnitoffturnitoff!”

A Face Full Of Love is hoping to mount further protest rallies across the globe, with rumours of celebrity endorsements from Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Kate Moss amongst others. “We had Jade Goody calling to offer her services” said Ebbsfleet “But we had to say no. I’d do anything to save this planet, but there are limits. She looks like a fist full of jelly, for fuck’s sake.”