Rising Stars Of Glastonbury Named

“Angry Shitcake Will Shift Massive Units” Says Eavis

With Glastonbury 2008 due to kick off tomorrow, upside-down-headed organiser Michael Eavis has given Pushjelly the lowdown on the potential breakthrough acts in this year’s festival:

Angry Shitcake
“These fellers do 4000bpm backstep speedgore better than anyone else in the business. Expect them to be huge by this time next year. Almost as huge, in fact, as the camping area at this year’s festival, where tickets are still available.”

The North Korean Relativist Symphonia
“They’re headlining our Global Classical tent on Saturday and the punters should be prepared to be blown away. They play slowed-down Bach using water cannons and tear gas canisters. It’s like watching that film ‘Amadeus’ during a heroin-fuelled riot. Almost as relaxing as the many aromatherapy tents onsite, which people can visit should they buy some of the remaining tickets.”

How! NOW Brown? Cow;
“Experimental folkpunk. Hayseed Ebbsfleet sings about his times as a leek wrangler in Romania. It’s an explosion of fiddles, fireworks and badly tarmacked drives. The Fanzine ‘Folk Me’ said they make the entire works of Bob Dylan not only redundant, but unemployable. It’s their only UK gig this year, so if you want to see them, I think Ticketmaster still has a few hundred tickets left.”

Shakin Stevens
“I’m going to level with you here – I’m not really sure how this feller got onto the bill. My daughter says he was doing some landscape gardening for her, odd jobs, stuff like that and he asked whether there was any chance of appearing at this year’s festival. She assumed he was asking for tickets – which can still be purchased online – and she said she’d see what she could do. Next thing we know we get a backstage rider request for 300 slices of rarebit and enough Brain’s Bitter to drown a zebra.”


Eavis went on to defend the lineup, which many attribute to the falling ticket sales. “Look, I could bung a pig on the stage, get him to run across a ladder full of spoons and 70,000 skunked-up halfwits would still show up. But if we don’t sell out this year, Greenpeace can take a diving fuck at a spinning donut for any contributions.”