Law Lords To “Stitch Up Grasses”

“You Got Something To Say? I’m Right Here” Say Experts

In a landmark ruling, the Law Lords have decided “If some dirty nonce wants to run his mouth off, then he’s going to need the stones to do it to a man’s face. You get me?”

After ruling that anonymous witness testimony was not admissible in criminal cases, the Law Lords have stated “Some bloke pulls off a tickle and thinks he’s home and hosed, yeah? Then some silly bollocks who can’t hold his shandy goes flapping his gills to the rozzers. Well, if he fancies his chances after doing that, then good luck to him.”

“But no, now they’re changing his name, moving him to a new gaff and stopping an honest businessman from calling on him at three in the morning and asking about the health of his wife and kids. Diabolical, that is.”

Senior Defence lawyer Wyndham Ebbsfleet expressed his concern at the ruling, however. “Well, I might as well piss off home right now, mightn’t I? Would you give evidence against some nutbar who you witnessed sawing a man’s head off with a metal comb if his mates could follow your family home afterwards? Me neither. Sod that for a game of bollock-tennis. I tell you what, I’ve got a witness who’s testifying against a violent armed robber. Do you want me to give you his home address while I’m here? Fuck’s sake.”

Gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said “We need to ensure the safety of people wishing to give evidence in high-profile cases. Unless they do drugs. Or they’re brown. Not to worry, we’ll knock up some arbitrary bit of legislation this afternoon to get around the ruling. I mean, what’s the point of having legal experts rule on matters of law if a hare-brained lunatic like myself can’t simply circumvent their advice? That’s democracy, that is.”

Smith then went on to explain why Boney M were subversive terrorists and how amphetamines made your fanny heal over.