Monday, 16 June 2008

Burrell “Didn’t Even Get Tops & Fingers” Say Palace

Palace Call Burrell Claims “Arsecock”

Palace officials have been quick to deny Paul Burrell’s claims to have had sex with Diana Spencer, calling his allegations “A bunch of hairy arsecock. Unpasteurised bullhonky. In short, as convincing as Jude Law’s acting.”

News of Burrell‘s claims surfaced in Sunday’s News Of The World, alongside pictures of ropey tarts who’ve recently sucked off lower division footballers. In an exclusive article (inasmuch as no other paper was prepared to print such unfounded guff), Burrell made several boasts regarding his relationship with the dead royal.

“Diana was a very demanding, emotional woman” claims Burrell. “I was on call 24/7 as part of my job. But that soon developed into constant demands for ball-gagging, dirty sanchez’s and Venetian dry-tagging. All kinds of mucky stuff involving tits and everything.”

Burrell even claimed to have had sex with Diana during an official visit to Great Ormond Street hospital. “We were visiting some kids that had limbs missing. Landmines or something. Anyway, Diana whispered that all these pre-teen amputees were making her really hot. The next minute I’m balls-deep in royal poon in a cleaning cupboard.”

Royal expert Foxton Ebbsfleet was quick to discredit Burrell. “Burrell is a liar, a communist, a humbug and, quite frankly, common. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest Diana ever had sex with anybody, let alone a fat potato-headed oik like him. Her two children were merely the accidental by-product of sitting on the toilet shortly after Charles. She was a chaste, pure lady who never screwed her way through shifty foreigners, rugby players and the like.”

A spokesman for the palace give a more straightforward rebuttal, however. “Of course Burrell’s making it up. In order for him to have had sex with Diana, he would have to not be as gay as a pink poster for a Village People gig. Which he clearly is. The man’s 100% into the brown.”

1 comment:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I can believe he went down on her, but she would never kiss his lips.