Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Fern Britton Eases Fuel Crisis

TV Presenter “A Walking OPEC State” Say Experts.

In a response to the deepening fuel crisis, the government has taken the radical step of mining mumsy TV presenter Fern Britton for her natural reserves of oil.

Delia Ebbsfleet, the Minister For Petrol, confirmed today that Britton has been drained of several thousand barrels of oil, to be held in storage should the current situation worsen. “We asked that Ms Britton release some guff story about a gastric band to explain her changed appearance as we didn’t want to cause national panic” said Ebbsfleet. “But the truth is, BP have installed a refinery in her back garden and each evening have been extracting tallow from her. We would like to take this opportunity to thank Ms Britton for her cooperation and to go on record as saying we think she is far better than that shaky gin sponge Judy Finnegan.”

Fern Britton held a press conference outside her Hampshire home this morning which had to be abandoned after she collapsed in a fit of giggles when Philip Schofield held up a phallic-shaped piece of fruit.

Meanwhile, Delia Ebbsfleet urged the public to remain calm. “Britain’s natural reserves of oil are plentiful and there is no need for panic. We will, if necessary, call in Jonny Vegas and that bloke from Gavin & Stacey to maintain levels. We do not feel the situation warrants accessing our emergency Dawn French supplies, although fuel chiefs have estimated they would keep Britain’s transport system going well into 2017.”

Spike Bronson, Lecturer in Celebrity Studies at Knustford University, states that this is not the first time the government has had to take such action. “During the 1973 fuel crisis, Eddie Large and that little woman who used to dance in Russ Abbott’s program were put on standby for six months. They released Large in the end as they couldn’t bear to hear his Deputy Dawg impersonation for the 15,000th fucking time.”

No comments: