Monday, 30 June 2008

Martial Law Declared After Celebrity Relative Killed

“Dead Proles Is One Thing, But Enough’s Enough” Say MET

The war against knife crime was escalated yesterday as it was discovered that the latest youth to be murdered was related to somebody off the telly. In news that has rocked the nation’s capital to the very core of its soul of the heart of its being, the Metropolitan Police confirmed that Ben Kinsella, the victim of Sunday’s stabbing, came out of the same womb as somebody that’s been on Eastenders and everything.

“Being stabbed to death by a pack of feral, blank-eyed teenagers is a daily fact of life for anybody living in London” said Met spokesman Higson Ebbsfleet. “I don’t think any reasonable person is expecting us to do anything about that. We’re not supermen, after all.”

“But this latest senseless murder was just too close for comfort. If Mr Kinsella’s sister, who is friends with Linda Robson you know, had been walking along with him…well, it’s just too horrific to even think about.”

A London-wide curfew of 8pm is expected to be imposed by the end of the week, with anyone out after this time not in possession of an Equity card to be flung into a cage with a rabid gibbon.

“We must protect our nation’s famous people, and their relatives” continued Ebbsfleet. “And if that means providing a personal escort for every last one of them, then that’s what we’ll do. I think the public will agree that, while their own safety isn’t worth a fart in a lift, making sure that people that can sing or act or dance a bit never have to experience brutal, demoralising violence is our key priority.”

When asked whether any charges are being brought in the murders of Henry Bolombi or Sharmaake Hassan, Ebbsfleet stated “Never heard of them. But I’m afraid without a white-sounding name or a celebrity relative, there’s very little for the police to go on. Now, please be careful on your journey home because if something happens, let’s be honest, there’s fuck-all we’ll do about it.”

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