News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily


Brand Apologises For Hoax

Following a warning from the police, Russell Brand has apologised for an onstage hoax in Northampton in which he impersonated a comedian. “Verily, me very heart bleeds for the coppers what had to listen to me natter” said Brand in a needlessly verbose press statement earlier today. “Cut me very dinkle off guvnor if it should happen again. I was only ‘aving a little jape at the knave what’s been sexually assaulting the ladies, ‘cos obviously that’s really funny.”

A spokesman for Northampton Police said “Impersonating a comedian with intent to defraud is a serious matter. If in doubt, the public should listen very carefully to the utterances of somebody claiming to be a comedian. Trading standards take a very dim view of this and our colleagues in America are currently investigating a multi-million dollar scam perpetrated by a chap calling himself Dane Cook.”


Cameron Asks Obama To Have A Go At The Chinese Next

Following his support for Barack Obama’s speech urging absentee black fathers to play a greater role in family life, David Cameron has asked the US presidential candidate whether he can “Take the piss out of the chinks next. Maybe something about their accents. I’ve always wanted to have a pop at them, but fuck that for a game of electoral cricket. I’d get lynched. Sorry, no offence.”

Cameron is to set off on a worldwide tour visiting various heads of state, hoping they will also give him license to spread his vile bigoted filth. “He’s really hoping President Singh of India will say something about smelling of curry.” said Tory person Haughley Ebbsfleet-Ffinch. “He’s always wanted to wobble his head and go ‘bud-bud-bud’ in parliament and with the help of the Indian president, he might still get the chance.”

Boris Johnson has criticised Cameron’s tour, saying “Seems an awful lot of bother to me. When I want to call ‘em pickaninnies, I damn well do. I don’t need the permission of some feller in Umbo Bogo land.”



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Martial Law Declared After Celebrity Relative Killed

“Dead Proles Is One Thing, But Enough’s Enough” Say MET

The war against knife crime was escalated yesterday as it was discovered that the latest youth to be murdered was related to somebody off the telly. In news that has rocked the nation’s capital to the very core of its soul of the heart of its being, the Metropolitan Police confirmed that Ben Kinsella, the victim of Sunday’s stabbing, came out of the same womb as somebody that’s been on Eastenders and everything.

“Being stabbed to death by a pack of feral, blank-eyed teenagers is a daily fact of life for anybody living in London” said Met spokesman Higson Ebbsfleet. “I don’t think any reasonable person is expecting us to do anything about that. We’re not supermen, after all.”

“But this latest senseless murder was just too close for comfort. If Mr Kinsella’s sister, who is friends with Linda Robson you know, had been walking along with him…well, it’s just too horrific to even think about.”

A London-wide curfew of 8pm is expected to be imposed by the end of the week, with anyone out after this time not in possession of an Equity card to be flung into a cage with a rabid gibbon.

“We must protect our nation’s famous people, and their relatives” continued Ebbsfleet. “And if that means providing a personal escort for every last one of them, then that’s what we’ll do. I think the public will agree that, while their own safety isn’t worth a fart in a lift, making sure that people that can sing or act or dance a bit never have to experience brutal, demoralising violence is our key priority.”

When asked whether any charges are being brought in the murders of Henry Bolombi or Sharmaake Hassan, Ebbsfleet stated “Never heard of them. But I’m afraid without a white-sounding name or a celebrity relative, there’s very little for the police to go on. Now, please be careful on your journey home because if something happens, let’s be honest, there’s fuck-all we’ll do about it.”

Man Not Stabbed In Street Row – Police Baffled

"I Mean, Everyone Gets Stabbed, Don't They?" Says Investigating Officer

Police were asking for witnesses today as a 32-year-old man was not stabbed after an argument outside a Wetherspoon’s pub in Knutsford yesterday evening. The incident is confounding police as, according to DS Ebbsfleet, “We’ve not encountered a case like this for over ten years.”

The victim is a man with no history of mental health who, according to his neighbours, is “ A gregarious, outgoing man who has never kept himself to himself.” It is believed he had not been drinking in the Wetherspoons pub since the early afternoon and was not thrown out for rowday behaviour.

“As far as we can ascertain” said Ebbsfleet “He’d popped into the pub for a quick pint after walking his dog. Witnesses state he sat quietly reading a newspaper, had a quick chat with a couple of locals, then left after taking his glass back to the bar and saying thanks to the staff. I know, I know. Weird.”

One potential source of information – the fact the victim was walking his dog – has proven fruitless. Police have questioned his former girlfriends for the signs of sexual deviancy usually associated with dog walkers. But they uniformly described him as an adequate, unadventurous lover who showed no interest in being branded with cigarette lighters or wanking over flabby couples awkwardly fucking on the backseat of a Mondeo.

“As far as we can gather” continued Ebbsfleet “He left the pub with no intentions of committing any terrorist act nor, to our knowledge, was he planning to abduct a toddler to use as a screaming, sobbing sex doll. We think he just wanted to buy some chips then go home.”

It was on his way to the chip shop that the victim bumped into another pedestrian and an argument broke out. A bystander said “It was eerie. The other chap was Asian and not once did the victim scream racial abuse into his face. They both just sort of said “Watch we’re your’re going, mate” for a bit, calmed down, apologised to each other, then went on their way. You’d expect a blade to come out at that point – I mean, I’ve stabbed people for not placing a ‘Next Customer’ bar on the conveyor belt at Tesco – but no.”

DS Ebbsfleet fears that this incident could mark the start of a new trend. “If people start demonstrating basic respect and manners, we’re proper fucked. Well I am, anyway. I’ve got a mortgage to think about, you know.”