Friday, 28 November 2008

“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith

Law To Be Tightened For “Dens Of Dreadfulness”

Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

Smith wants lapdance clubs to be categorised alongside sex shops, peep shows and “Other places that cater to the general vileness of men’s urges. I mean, what’s wrong with a nice cuddle with your wife?”

Her moved has been opposed by club owners including every father’s nightmare Peter Stringfellow. “I don’t want anyone to come to my club thinking they’re going to get a sexual encounter” said the 92-year-old scrawny letch. “Just because my club is rammed full of the stuff wank fantasies are made of and just because my semi-naked girls gyrate around the gaff like they’re trying to scratch their ovaries using their ribs doesn’t mean my clubs are sexual in nature.”

When asked to explain why his clientele visited his clubs, Stringfellow replied “It’s just a place they can come and relax in peace. Most of them like paying a fortune to enter a dimly-lit basement blaring out “Sex Bomb” and sipping overpriced, watered-down beer. It just so happens my clubs have lots nubile women in them who are prepared to frot you until you spooge your kecks for thirty sheets.”

Stringfellow also pointed out that a ‘sexual encounter’ license for his clubs would cost £30,000. “I simply couldn’t afford that. I’ve got enough overheads as it is. Do you know how much it costs to have the gents steam-cleaned every night? It looks like a cake-maker’s whisk come closing time.”

Lapdance workers have also opposed the move. One dancer, Kandee, said “They’re not sexual places to work. Most of us girls only chat with the customers as they just want some company. I think for many of them it’s a form of companionship they’re not getting elsewhere. Now, if you come to the back room I’ll tug you through your trousers for fifty quid.”

But Smith is adamant that the proposed changes become law. “There are twice as many lapdance clubs as there were in 2004” said Smith. “And as the law stands we are powerless to stop them spreading” she added, to a chorus of “Wahey!!” from the assembled journalists.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Pietersen Thanks Mumbai Terrorists

Violent Outrage Stops England Looking Right Cunts

As England cancelled their forthcoming pastings at the hands of their Indian cricketing superiors due to ongoing violence in India, captain Kevin Pietersen has personally thanked the head of the armed guerrillas, saying “We were due to have our arses handed to us on a plate over and over again in the last two games. Seriously, Flintoff hasn’t stopped crying for two days. It was getting ridiculous. But now we can go home with some modicum of sporting pride. Nice work, lads. Thanks.”

England were trailing their 7-match one-day series with India by five games to nil after displays of batting ineptitude described by one ECB member as “Like watching a paraplegic trying to eat noodles with a ladder.” England’s bowling has been scarcely better, with the Indian batsmen reduced to waving their arms about and blowing whistles to ensure the ball was delivered in approximately the same region as the wicket.

Most experts were predicting a 7-0 whitewash for England, with Ian Botham dubbing England’s performance’s as “The worst cricketing witnessed since the old opening credits to ‘Neighbours.’” But the tour has been cut short following the violent terrorist attacks in Mumbai by the ECB on the grounds of safety.

“We must protect our team from any risk of harm” said ECB person WG Ebbsfleet. “By ending the series now, we believe we have done that. Because if they’d have come home 7-0 losers there would have been a howling mob of cricket fans waiting at the airport to insert the team’s bats sideways into their rectums.”

The move has been applauded by Gordon Brown who also took time to denounce the terrorist atrocities in India. “At a time like this, whether or not India beat us like a Haringey toddler at cricket is neither here nor there. Let’s call that series a draw, yes? I wish to take this opportunity to denounce the evil acts of these violent terrorists and will happily talk about it at length so long as nobody asks me exactly how I’m going to magic £20 billion out of my arse before the next election.”

Meanwhile, the English FA have asked for regular updates on the movements of the Indian terrorists. “We need to know who these guys are, how they work and what they’re planning next.” said one FA member “And whether there’s any chance they could do their stuff in South Africa in 2012 if our lads are getting a hiding in the group stages.”

Monday, 24 November 2008

CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled

“Point 7 Is My Favourite. It’s Boss” Says Lambert

The Confederation Of British Industry has written to Gordon Brown with a ten-point plan that they feel can boost Britain’s ailing economy and save many small businesses. “This is the worst financial crisis since records began” said CBI boss Richard Lambert. “Things are getting so bad that pretty soon we won’t be able to afford to employ the people that keep the records of how bad things have been in the past. It really is going to get that confusingly scary.”

The CBI’s plan is as follows:

1: Employ workers to go around shops and nudge potential buyers, saying things like “Those plasma tellies look mint, don’t they? I’m going to buy one. Are you?”
2: Government subsidised tea fund for offices to increase productivity “With a sliding scale of biscuit support” added Lambert.
3: Add ‘Best Before” dates to expensive electrical items, forcing gadget-obsessed trust fund cockfaces to replace their integrated Blackberry/MP3/Capuccino machines every three months.
4: Lend everyone a fiver until next payday. “People always feel a bit more flush with a borrowed fiver in their pocket” said Lambert.
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.
6: Unemployed models to eye up city traders on the tube during rush hour. “Trading floor confidence is vital to keep the economy stable and what better boost to confidence than having some gazelle-thighed stranger lick her lips at you on a packed Jubilee Line?”
7: No denomination above a five pound note. “People will feel wealthier carrying around sackfuls of pound coins, like a Lord Snooty cartoon” enthused Lambert.
8: Make forgetting a relative’s birthday a criminal offence. Gifts to the value of £10 or more must be exchanged or offenders face three months in jail “Which will be spent as cheap factory labour. It’s win-win, really.” said Lambert.
9: Outlaw the translation of assembly instructions of flat pack furniture, forcing the public to buy British.
10: Temporary freezes on NI contribution liabilites indexed to a stepped reduction on VAT combined with a streamlining of governmental capital spend projects. “I’ll level with you here. I’ve no idea what the last one means but it’ll make Alistair Darling shit his eyebrows when he reads it.” chuckled Lambert.

Gordon Brown has yet to comment on the CBI’s proposals but was recently seen watching a bare knuckle female boxing match whilst idly stroking his crotch and mumbling “Mmm, prudent. You’re a prudent wee ride, aren’t ye?”

Friday, 21 November 2008

Christmas Toy Bestsellers Announced

British Toy Association’s Top Tantrum Inducers

With the economy wheezing on its back like on 80-year-old ex-miner in a forest fire, many have predicted that Christmas 2008 will not be a bumper year for toy retailers. But Nikon Ebbsfleet, head of the British Toy Association, disagrees.

“There are many reasons for toy manufacturers to be optimistic” said Ebbsfleet. “The housing market has shown a slight upturn, inflation rates have been lowered to combat the recession, but most importantly children are solipsistic, screaming bundles of Id that want their desires met immediately. A parent may as well kick an umbrella at the clouds to stop it raining as get between a bawling infant and the toy it wants.”

Ebbsfleet listed his predicted best-sellers for Christmas 2008.

1: Dubai Island
Following the runaway success of Tracy Island in 1992, Mattel have updated the concept for the 21st century. Dubai Island recreates all the thrills of vulgar, excessive opulence for 8-12 year olds. In the hotel concert room, a miniature Celine Dion belts out “My Heart Will Go On” at the push of a button to a crowd of lovingly-recreated despots, faded rock stars and their marble-eyed model girlfriends.

Kids can have fun trying to smuggle gay hotel guests past the armed guards at reception and jolt with delight as the scale model 15’ high electric fence keeps out those pesky poor locals!
(Accessories, such as jewel-encrusted dolphins for the swimming pool, start at £1.8M)

2: Knifeys
From the makers of Heelys come Knifeys, the fashion footwear that comes with a kick! Available in a range of funky, colourful designs, Knifeys are the comfortable new way to make your mark at school, in the playground or at home. Just shift your weight to your heels and a durable, six inch, Teflon-coated hunting blade will deploy from the front of the shoe, making you the king of the cool kids. Tip your weight forward and the patented design cleans the blade as it retracts back into the sole of the shoe. Your folks, your friends and the police will be none the wiser!

3: Credit Crunch Monopoly
All the fun of the original, with a contemporary twist of global financial meltdown. The Old Kent Road still costs £60, but now so does everything else. You start with houses on every property, and the object of the game is to manage to get around the board three times without having all of them repossessed.

Choose your board piece carefully, too. Pick the car and you’ll soon be in financial trouble as each move costs you an extra £10 congestion charge. Choose the top hat and you’ll find yourself ducking the bricks thrown at you by anti-capitalist rioters.

There a dozens of other updates to look out for, from the “Get Out Of Jail On A Technicality” card to “You Won 2nd Prize In A Beauty Contest – Get Date-Raped By A Portugese Premiership Footballer In A Hotel Room” in the ‘Chance’ pile.

Credit Crunch Monopoly – however you play it, we’re all absolutely fucked!

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Britain Headed For Perspective Crisis

‘Sense Of Actual Importance’ Lowest Since 1920s

As John Sergeant quit Strictly Come Dancing and Timmy Mallett joined the cast of I’m A Celebrity…, Great Britain is poised to suffer its greatest lack of perspective in eighty years, according to one leading sociologist. “If things carry on at this rate, by April of next year most of Britain will be reduced to a gibbering wreck if Darren’s affair is discovered on ‘Hollyoaks’” said Ellroy Ebbsfleet, professor of Socio-Economic Neurophilosophy at Knutsford Community College.

His report comes after vast swathes of the public keened themselves into a seething fury after a man who wasn’t very good at doing something was repeatedly told he wasn’t very good at doing it, on a show that made him try to do the thing he wasn’t very good at doing. As a result, he stopped doing the thing he wasn’t very good at doing despite many people enjoying watching him do the thing he wasn’t very good at doing.

“I’m disgusted, this is worse than when my daughter was murdered” said ‘Strictly’ fan and mother of six Elsie Wretched. “I’ve been topping up my mobile credit every six hours to keep voting for him and then what does he do? He clears off. He should be strung up for such a betrayal, he’s no better than a paedophile. An immigrant paedophile, at that.” she gibbered.

The BBC has promised to refund all phone charges to people who voted for the man doing the thing he wasn’t very good at doing, of their own free will. It is expected they will affix a cannon full of pound coins to a Securicor van and speed it through several major council estates, firing high-speed financial shrapnel at the slavering mob following the vehicle and hooting.

Meanwhile another broadcaster of people going camping abroad has incensed viewers free to do anything else this glittering and endlessly enthralling globe has to offer by adding another camper who used to be annoying on another show they were perfectly at liberty not to watch. “When I first saw Mallett’s face appear on my screen, I tried to punch him repeatedly” said ‘Celebrity’ fan Mick Pancreas. “But I just ended up with hot shards of glass in my face. I’ll be sending the bill to ITV, don’t you worry. I haven’t been this upset since Diana died.”

Ebbsfleet fears that these reactions are typical and that Britain is heading into a meltdown of giving a fuck about things worth giving a fuck about. “We haven’t seen a crisis like this since the 1920s” he confirmed. “While the dark clouds of Fascism and National Socialism were hovering over Europe, most of Britain was getting into heated debates over who would win in a fight between Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd.”

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

BNP Members Can “Go & Shite” Say Amnesty

“Fuck Them” Adds Chakrabarti

After the personal details of 10,000 BNP members were posted on the internet, human rights activists have been quick to assert that the collection of neo-nazis, crackpots and morons can “Throw their cocks at a flying sex doll if they think they’re getting any help from us.”

Amnesty person Raffia Ebbsfleet stated “We are dedicated to challenging abuses of human rights wherever we find them. Whether that is the freedom of religion in Middle-Eastern countries or the freedom to vote in South American countries. Our staff often face great personal danger in their work. But if you honestly think we’re going to help this bunch of fascist gitwipes then you’re wrong. Human rights are universal but there are limits, you know.”

Shami Chakrabarti said “The right to privacy and the freedom from persecution based on one’s political beliefs are absolute. Except when they’re horrid, then I could frankly give a flying one. This party’s policies encourage hatred, social division and threats. So I welcome the publication of their membership so we can work to identify who to dislike, fire from their jobs and….ah, I see what I’ve done there.”

The list, dating from 2007, features individuals from all walks of life, from embittered, hate-filled teachers to embittered, hate-filled clergymen. BNP fuhrer Nick Griffin stated “This challenges the myth that the BNP is filled with skinheaded oiks. Some of our oiks hold down positions of great professional responsibility. Or at least did. I don’t imagine their next one-to-ones are going to be especially glowing.”

Some doubt has been cast over the accuracy of the list, as Griffin himself confirmed that possible non-members and party infiltrators may be included. The absence of Richard Littlejohn and Paul Dacre from the list also gives reason for doubt. Griffin has called the leak “A disgraceful act of treachery by a former party member and a nasty piece of intimidation. And I should know nasty intimidation when I see it.” Asked why membership of his party should be something people would want to keep private, Griffin responded “Erm… reason.”

It remains to be seen whether any criminal prosecutions will arise from the leaked document and a decision has yet to be made by the Dyfed-Powys CPS. “We’re looking at the details of this incident very closely” said Chief Inspector Knutsford “And an announcement will be made in the next few days. We will be wor…oh, look, it’s Hugh. I remember him from my CID days. There was one time when we’d rounded up a van of gyp…this press conference is over. Thank you.”

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Gerrard’s Nan Had Died, Says Benitez

“No, Not That One, The Other One” Insists Liverpool Manager

After Steven Gerrard was summoned to the England training camp by Fabio Capello despite being declared unfit to play, Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez has dramatically changed his story, stating “No, that was a problem with my English. I may have told Capello ‘Gerrard, he cannot play because of his groin injury’ but my English is still not of the requisite standard required to convey complex concepts. What I meant to say was that his nan had died.”

As Gerrard faced a scan conducted by England doctors to ascertain whether the micro-foreheaded midfielder had any form of groin strain, Benitez made frantic last-minute calls to Capello. “Stevie might come to the training ground saying he’s hurt his groin” Benitez informed the England manager “But he’s just really confused and upset about his nan. What? No, that was his other nan, on his mum’s side. She died just before England played that friendly against The Vatican City, remember?”

Benitez insists that Liverpool have not tried to deceive the England camp, stating “Of course I do not mind my most valuable player coming back from a meaningless kickabout in several separate boxes. Every player has a real desire to play for his country – well, not Jamie, obviously, but most of them. But the fact we’re about to enter a flurry of games that could ultimately decide my fate as a manager does not mean I’d make something up about his happy region being on the blink.”

Gerrard is not the only player to be summoned to his national training camp after claiming injury. Capello faces a severely depleted squad with seven of his first-choice squad missing with injuries ranging from “A partially-torn cruciate” to “An attack of the vapours”. Ashley Cole is also believed to be missing due to “A severely bruised ego” and serious rectal trauma sustained while he was stepping out of the bath and accidentally sat on a bottle of Cheryl’s Mum roll-on deodorant and he tried getting out himself which is why there’s KY Jelly around it and it just got stuck and what are the chances of that happening.

Joachim Low is said to be unperturbed by the problems in the England camp, telling English journalists “We know England are a strong side and we expect them to give us a good game on Wednesday. It is a chance to test new players and we ca…OH YES, VERY FUNNY WITH THE THEME OF THE DAMUBUSTERS! YOU MAYBE WISH TO CHANGE THE RECORD, YES?”

Monday, 17 November 2008

46% Of Adults “Never Seen A Child”

“Are They Some Breed Of Deer?” Ask Poll Subjects

A recent survey by Barnardo’s showed that 46% of British adults are not petrified into a shivering funk of terror at the thought of encountering a swarm of barely-coherent youths high on glue & WKD on some blood-sodden street corner.

This has prompted Dale Ebbsfleet, who conducted the survey on the charity’s behalf, to conclude “We can only assume that these people have never actually met any children. Either that or they were so traumatised by their last encounter that they foolishly consider children to be twinkle-eyed Enid Blyton-esque creations who’d never dream of breaking into your flat, shitting on your couch and pinching anything narrow enough to fit through the doors of Cash Converters.”

However, Barnardo’s have cautioned against demonising Britain’s youth, claiming the vast majority of teenagers are “Decent and caring” and that terms like “Feral & Vermin” should be avoided.

This view was contested by Jez Template, whose Knutsford corner shop has been the target of 347 youth-related crimes since October. “Decent and caring, you say?” asked Template. “Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. If you’d have said “Hormonally driven to drink, hump, stab or steal everything they can get their hands on” then I’d have known who you were talking about. Only last week I had a pair of little twatters come into the shop. They set fire to a copy of ‘Razzle’, fucked the ashes, then pocketed the charred remains.”

When asked what alternative terms should be used to describe the youths who have targeted his shop, Template replied “Well if they won’t let me call them feral vermin I’m going to have to go for “Inexcusable shitheaps”. Is that okay? Anyway, I’m going to have to go. A bunch of twelve year olds are stabbing up my greeting card display for disrespecting them.”

But Barnardo’s continue to assert that many problem children have issues at home that drive them into criminal activity. One spokesperson stated “A lack of parental control, undiagnosed learning difficulties, even a poor diet can all contribute to antisocial behaviour. That and the fact they’re a bunch of amoral shitehawks.”

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

“Leave Me Out Of This” Says God

Palin Eyes Further Humiliation in 2012

As Alaskan Governor and self-confessed “Numbnuts in lipstick” Sarah Palin gave her first interview following the Republican party’s comprehensive beatdown in the presidential election, she managed to run into controversy with the Almighty Creator within the first fifteen seconds.

“I was like, “Wow God, I’m like completely up for whatever you want me to do next.” said Palin. “Is it something to do with doors, God? You want me to, kinda, sell doors or something? What was that God? You want me to walk through a door? ‘Cause if the door ain’t open, God, I will, like, totally just crash right through it, yeah? For you.”

“Then God stopped speaking to me, so I had some pop tarts and watched Desperate Housewives. I love that show. I love horses too. Don’t you love horses? I love horses.”

God hastily arranged a press conference to rebut Ms Palin’s allegations. “Look, I’m sick of all the innuendo and rumour surrounding my relationship with this woman” said a clearly tired and emotional omnipotent being.

“I admit that my infinite power and wisdom may have set in motion the whole universe in which Ms Palin exists and for that I apologise. But to suggest that I’m in some way responsible for her views on, well, pretty much everything is unfair. If you must know, what I actually said was “Don’t let the door slam your arse on the way out.” But fuck me if she didn’t make a hash of even a simple message like that.”

Palin went on to blame the fact she’s a Republican for her campaign’s failure. “I ran as a Republican and everyone was like “Ohmygod, the Republicans and their skanky 10 trillion-dollar debt, they’re so gross. No way am I voting for them.” But it so not my fault. That debt was like, completely there when I arrived. It’s so unfair.”

Despite the heavy defeat, Palin feels that the campaign did well. “There was just millions of people who voted for me and John and that was so super sweet of them. It was like John and me were running for prom king & queen and it was really uncool that more people voted for that other guy? Pyjama or whatever his name is? They said it had nothing to do with race but it so totally was which is so heinous as I can’t help being white, right?”

Palin stated her intention to run for office in 2012, but The Lord God had one final message regarding her candidacy. “I’ve got one word for you. Smiting. You remember the whole smiting business way back in the day? Well that account’s still open with you people. That’s all I’m saying.”

Friday, 7 November 2008

Get The Fuck Out, Children Told

“High School Musical. Screen 4. Now Piss Off”

British cinema-goers breathed a collective sigh of relief today as the Vue cinema chain unrolled over-18-only screenings across the UK. Under the new scheme, adults will be allowed to watch films of their choice without the added soundtrack of mobile phone ringtones, aggressive snogging and repeated attempts to explain the plot by exasperated parents.

“We polled our customers about what they look for when they go to the cinema” said Vue spokesperson Louis Ebbsfleet “And we were amazed to find that less than 3% of them wanted to hear about who fingered who behind the local Burger King.”

The cinema chain piloted the scheme last year which was an overwhelming success. “People were queuing up for the child-free screenings. Most of them didn’t even want to see the film that was being shown.” As one customer involved in the pilot stated “If it means I can sit in peace for a couple of hours without having dozens of little fuckers chase each other across my line of vision, I’ll even sit through something with Meg Ryan in it.”

Security is expected to be tight to enforce the new screenings, with Vue staff being trained in hand-to-hand combat and issued body armour and CS spray. “We’re aware that some minors may object to being excluded” said Ebbsfleet “And teenagers tend to express their dissatisfaction through the medium of a hunting knife. We’ve got an ex-SAS officer to do a risk assessment. It may seem excessive but we feel a duty to offer our customers the chance to watch Quantum Of Solace in something not resembling a glorified crèche.”

Children’s rights activists have reacted cautiously to the move. One stated “We understand that people want a choice of a child-free environment. But please, don’t piss them off. You’ve no idea what a 12-year-old high on WKD and fizzy fish can do. Stick them in a pair of Heely’s and you can’t even catch the little bastards.”

But Vue remain adamant. “As well as the over-18 screens, we’re creating specific screens for kids. We’ve ripped the seats out, everything can be hosed clean and we’ll just show MTV Base on loop with trailers every couple of hours. I doubt they’ll notice any difference, frankly. Let them fuck each other up in there. Just as long as they leave everyone else to watch their film in comfort.”

Early reactions to Vue’s over-18 screenings have been uniformly positive. One customer, Clancy Knutsford, said “I’ve just been to see ‘Burn After Reading’ and it was fantastic. You could hear all the dialogue and I wasn’t showered in Doritos once. I felt a special form of contentment in there. You know what it was? The contentment of somebody not having the back of their seat kicked every twelve seconds. Bliss.”

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Obama Favourite For Glenrothes Election

Scottish By-Election “Could Be Watershed Moment”

As voters head to the ballot boxes in the Fife constituency of Glenrothes, early exit polls show Barack Obama as a surprise frontrunner to be elected MP. The election, called after the death of John MacDougall from the embarrassment of being a Labour MP, is expecting a record turnout of over 90% as people flock to show their support for the US assassination target elect. “This is a chance for history to be made” said Glenrothes mayor Glen Ebbsfleet “For the first time ever, an African-American could be both leader of the Free World and backbench Scottish MP.”

As Obama’s name does not appear on the ballot paper, Glenrothes residents have been scrawling his name at the bottom, with a tick next to it. Although the spelling of his name has been variable (“One voting paper said ‘That lovely wee black feller from America who drove Miss Daisy’ on it”, said one ballot counter), it is obvious that the US politician is the local favourite to spearhead Glenrothe’s bid to win the “Best Kept Large Town” once more.

Conservative candidate Maurice Golden has tried to emulate Obama’s oratory in his final election speech, saying “Can we improve public transport to Kinglassie & Freuchi? Yes we can. Can we sustain local businesses after the expansion of the Kingdom Shopping Centre? Yes we can. Can we reinstate the Rosyth ferry service to Belgium? Yes we can. God bless Scotland!”

It is unclear whether Obama will accept the will of the Glenrothes electorate as it was revealed today that back in America, he looks set to inherit a smouldering heap of rubble. As George Bush winds down his term in office, sources close to the president have revealed that he plans to leave little of worth behind. “He’s already taking the batteries out of the smoke alarms and remote controls, the lightbulbs from the back rooms” said one aide. “He’s got his cousin turning up next week to lift up the lawn round back of the White House.”

By the time Obama takes office in January, the White House is expected to be little more than a husk held up with hastily-erected joists as Bush attempts to extract every last dollar of profit from his tenure. “He’s done this before” continued the unnamed aide. “When the new governor of Texas took over after George won the presidency, he walked into his office to find all the carpets missing and ‘Fuk U Budy’ scrawled on the wall in what appeared to be faeces.”

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

America ‘Now Only Half Racist’

‘It’s All Going To Be Fine” Says Expert

After Barack Obama’s historic victory in the race for the White House, a key US political analyst has stated that “Everything’s gravy from here on in. We can all kick back and let the good times roll. Our hundreds of years of racial oppression are but a distant memory and everything’s been sorted out now.”

Questions are being asked as to how the McCain campaign failed so badly and several theories have been put forward. Some blame the stigma of Bush’s disastrous handling of everything he comes within forty yards of. Others have suggested that McCain always looked on the brink of saying “I’m running for President and I’ve still got all my own teeth, you know.” But most commentators are agreed that the major handicap to McCain’s presidential push was choosing “A slate-eyed fucking lunatic” as vice presidential candidate.

“This was always going to be about capturing the under-represented voting demographic” said Ebbsfleet “And the Democrats had the African-American vote sewn up. Not that the Republicans would have touched a black VP candidate with a burning cross, you understand. So they had to go with a female candidate. From a field of very competent, experienced female senators McCain chose Palin. This proved to be the equivalent of letting Ringo sing.”

“Politics is about power” Ebbsfleet continued “And leaders are often seen as evil geniuses. But Palin was something even worse than that. An evil moron. Carrying on from the Beatles analogies, Palin will surely go down as the Yoko Ono of US politics.”

Many see Obama’s presidency as marking a turning point in US society. “America has a history of racial intolerance” said analyst Jed Ebbsfleet “But with the election of a mixed-race candidate like Obama, we’re halfway to putting that behind us. I think it was unrealistic to expect the American public to vote for a candidate who wasn’t at least partially white, but it’s a step in the right direction.”

Ebbsfleet also feels that, with 52% of the electorate voting for Obama, “We can now be proud to say that, as a nation, we’re now only half racist. Although if half of us voted for a mixed-race guy, that might still make us three-quarters racist. I was never really good at math, like those Asian guys.”

As news broke of Obama’s victory, the streets of Baltimore, Chicago and Washington were filled with crowds comprised of every race, creed and colour singing “The Age Of Aquarius”. Many thousands, previously crippled due to lack of basic medical care, were seen to kick away their crutches and dance with crackheads miraculously free of their addiction. Millions of rednecks were seen crying onto the shoulders of their black neighbours, sobbing heartfelt apologies, while their neighbours were heard to reply “That’s okay, brother. Water under the bridge.”

In his acceptance speech, Obama told the gathered thousands “I am deeply grateful for the faith people have put in me. But now is the time to be realistic. The economy, social deprivation, our military involvement in Iraq, the environment…they’re fucked. All of them. Proper, full-on fucked. Oh dear god. What have I let myself in for? After eight years of Republican rule, I have been sold a frigging pup, haven’t I?”

Monday, 3 November 2008

Congolese Advised To ‘Sex War Up’

Conflict “Too Confusing” To Elicit Sympathy

The United Nations have sent an aid convoy to the Democratic Republic Of Congo with orders that the displaced millions need to “Jazz up their plight a bit” in order to garner international support. As General Nkunda’s military coup continues, the war has yet to establish a poster child or hot-button issue to focus the West’s increasingly-diminishing attention span.

UN person Jaylo Ebbsfleet has been assigned to deal with the PR for the conflict and says that unless the refugee’s marketing campaign steps up a gear, they can expect a pretty bleak winter. “It’s all about brand identification” said Ebbsfleet “The Congolese haven’t worked out their unique selling point as a war-torn region. Afghanistan is killing us in the polls with their Taliban branding but so far all we’ve got is the same old photos of thousands of people tramping down a dusty road with all their worldly possessions balanced on their head. It’s just really…blah, isn’t it?”

Ebbsfleet also feels that the complexities of conflict, which has previously involved five other African nations, inter-tribal warfare and military/political disputes, is a big turnoff. “Take Somalia in the 80s. Crops have failed, loads of hungry kids and Bang – there’s your poster. 2004, a big wave kills thousands. That’s a no-brainer in humanitarian terms. But this is currently too confusing to get a really sexy, vibrant campaign going.”

Plans are underway to raise the war’s market visibility in the UK. A premium-rate phone line has been set up to poll “Who’s the hottest – General Nkunda or President Kabila?” with a follow-up spread in Heat magazine entitled “General Nkunda’s Top Ten Fashion Disasters”. Unconfirmed reports claim that McFly are recording a charity single, a cover version of Toto’s “Africa”, to raise humanitarian funds.

E4 are also believed to be planning a fundraising concert in the Congolese capital, with Coldplay set to headline. “We have to do what we can to help” said Chris Martin “It’s terrible that the people of….erm…what?...oh yes, the Congo have to go through whatever it is they’re currently going through. The third single from our latest album is out on December 15th, by the way.”

“We want the civil war in the Congo to be the number one water-cooler conversation this Christmas” said Ebbsfleet. “We’re trying to play down some of the less saleable aspects – mass rape, corrupt international mining operations – as they don’t play well across the key 18-25 year old demographic. We want this to be the ‘Crazy Frog’ of the internecine armed conflict world.”