Friday, 29 August 2008

Millions To Be Arrested For Brown Assassination Plans

“Another Penny On Fags And He’d Be Dead” Says Met Chief

Following the arrest of three suspects in the North West for printing death threats about Gordon Brown, police forces across the UK are bracing themselves for over half the country to be similarly detained in the coming weeks.

Police person Jason Ebbsfleet explained “The three men currently charged had made no actual plot to kill Gordon Brown, they’d simply written on a website that they would like to see him dead. Following the logic that spoken threats carry as much weight as written threats, I can only assume that come the end of September anybody who drives a car, has a mortgage, goes to work or eats food will be banged up for similar sentiments.”

The three initial terror suspects were arrested after articles were printed on an extremist website. The comments have now been removed but are understood to have read:

“Mr Brown. Two-thirds of my relatives abroad are dead, have had to flee their homes, or are walking around with chunks of Brimstone missile sticking out of their foreheads. Pack it in, there’s a chap, or I’ll kill you. PS Praise Allah and all that.”

Police are now monitoring email and internet forum traffic for similar sentiments. A leaked document has revealed some of the posts and emails currently under further police scrutiny:

“I bought my house five years ago for a sum of money that would make Bill Gates choke on his fucking cornflakes, and it hasn’t even got an upstairs bathroom. I tried to sell it last month and some Kouros-stinking little cunt of an estate agent comes round and tells me he’ll take it off my hands for £30 for scrap value. If that Caledonian cockpump Brown comes into my boozer I’ll beat him to death with Harriet Harman, I tell you.”

“I am a 97-year-old pensioner and was at Dunkirk. I worry this winter I shall not be able to heat my home and think Mr Brown should shoulder the larger part of the blame for that. As penance for his ineptness I think it only fair that the sphincter-mouthed little shitworm have his teeth kicked so far down his throat he’s pissing molars for a month.”

“I am a car owner, and consequently may as well be keeping a crack-addicted mistress with a penchant for Faberge eggs for the amount it costs me. I wanted to drive it into the garage out of the rain the other week, but decided to use the petrol money to build a new garage around it instead. Gordon Brown? I’d do time for that bastard, I swear.”

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Test Tube Baby Killed In Gang Shooting

“He Literally Had His Whole Life Ahead Of Him” Says Weeping Mother

The number of youths killed in gang-related violence increased by one yesterday, as well as sending their average age spiralling downwards, as a test tube baby was gunned down in an East London fertility clinic.

Met police say that in the early hours of Tuesday morning, Cheese Ebbsfleet was with a group of other test tube babies in Samples, a notorious Drum n Bass fertility clinic in Hackney, when a gang of test tube babies burst in, spraying the room with bullets believed to have been fired from a semi-automatic weapon.

A cleaner, who did not wish to be named, was working in the clinic on the night of the killing and described the series of events immediately before the shooting. “I was just wiping down the freezers when I heard clinking, which I now realise was the sound of test tubes barging their way into the clinic. The next thing I know I hear gunshots."

Ebbsfleet was shot several times and is believed to have died at the scene of his injuries. No other embryos were hurt in the shooting. Police have urged for calm in the zygote community and are on full alert for the possibility of revenge killings.

“Ebbsfleet was part of a local pre-birth gang known as the Pyrex Warriors” said Met person Gregg Knutsford. “Early questioning of his associates suggests the attack happened after he had stolen a petri dish belonging to a rival gang calling themselves IVF Cru.”

The four assailants have been described by police as being “Approximately 12 days old, pink, wearing protective clothing made of agar gel.” Flowers were laid at the scene of the shooting this morning bearing messages such as “Cheese – Bad Congregation Of Cells Of Undetermined Gender 4 Life” and “Miscarriage Of Justice”

Ebbsfleet’s potential mother was being consoled by family and friends but released a short statement. “Cheese was a good eukaryote and would never hurt anyone. My womb is still the way I left it ready for his implantation. I can’t bear to look at it now.”

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Obama Has Sex With Marilyn Monroe

Bombshell’s Corpse Exhumed In Kennedy Association Bid

Barack Obama has upped the ante in his bid to be compared with JFK by having sex with the remains of shite dead actress Marilyn Monroe, it was reported today. In a sombre re-enactment of Kennedy’s trysts with the pill-ridden tragedy magnet, Obama was said to have had brief, joyless sex with Monroe’s husk in the back of a limousine whilst driving through downtown Los Angeles.

The limousine driver, Biff Ebbsfleet, said “Mr Obama said he was on his way to a charity fundraiser but had to make a quick stop first. My suspicions were first aroused when two secret service agents got in the back carrying shovels, tarpaulin and big jars of Vicks Vaporub.”
Ebbsfleet went on to say they stopped outside Westwood Village Cemetery for about an hour before he was ordered to drive off again. From the back of the limo he could hear strange noises. “There was a kind of grunting going on, as well as what sounded like somebody retching. I heard something like twigs snapping for a while before I heard Mr Obama shout “Ugghh!!! Ich bein ein sick puppy!” I was then asked to turn the car around and back to the cemetery I went.”

It was only later that Ebbsfleet put together the pieces of the puzzle. “When we got back to the cemetery, the secret service guys were carrying something out the back seat. As they passed a sidewalk vent, a billow of white silk blew up from underneath the tarpaulin. Later, when I was cleaning the limo, amongst the smell of stale vomit and rancid meat, I got a whiff of Chanel No 5, Monroe’s favourite scent. Then the penny dropped”.

This is the latest step in Senator Obama’s campaign to become the new Kennedy, which has included a visit to Berlin, his wife dressing like Jackie Kennedy and his inevitable assassination early in his presidency. His brother, Knut Obama, has been reported as saying “If anyone thinks I’m running for president after Barack gets shot, they can jump in the nearest river and fuck a passing trout.”

Sunday, 10 August 2008

"You Have The Right To Eat My Arse" Says Brown

Prime Minister In Robust Rejection on Bill Of Rights

After a cross-party committee of MPs urged the government to adopt a UK bill of rights, Gordon Brown has told the House Of Commons "Every person in this room, every person in this house of legislation and every person across this proud land has the right to form an orderly queue to eat my sweaty, Caledonian ringpiece."

The Joint Committee on Human Rights had recommended adopting a bill of rights that went further than current legislation in a heated commons debate. After hearing their arguments, Brown appeared pensive. "Hmm, interesting points from my learned colleagues" said the PM.

"But I've got another idea. How about I send some of the chaps from the Met round to your flats, make sure they discover some terrorist manuals and you lot spend the next 90 days screaming into your own shitstained mattresses while some screw beats the soles of your feet with a rubber hose?"

While listing the rights to be included in the proposed bill - which would include rights to housing, education and trial by jury - the PM could be seen nudging Harriet Harman, chuckling and mouthing the words "Yeah, fucking right."

Closing his speech rejecting the proposal Brown reminded the House "I've sent thousands of wee lads to get their heads sawn off by the flying doors of car bombs and I've never lost a wink of sleep. So if anyone brings up this tripe again, do you honestly think I'd blink twice before sending the boys round to push your nose through your arse? Well? Anyone? No? Fucking well thought not."

Saturday, 9 August 2008

Maddie Sighted Every Twelve Seconds

Missing Toddler "Seen In More Places Than Starbucks"

The frequency that abductee of hearts Madeleine McCann is being sighted is increasing every day, says media person Jose Ebbsfleet. According to the unemployed pipefitter and part-time media commentator she is currently spotted more often than Elvis and Kurt Cobain combined and is set to become the most-sighted actually-dead person in Europe by late August.

"When she first went missing, people would report having seen her once every two days" said Ebbsfleet "With the obvious exception of her parents, who haven't seen her since they dumped her body..."(the next part of Ebbsfleet's statement was removed after a request from Kate & Gerry McCann's increasingly-busy lawyers). "But Maddie is currently being spotted once every twelve seconds. We can only assumed she has cracked the art of space and time travel to be in all these places at once."

However, if the rate of Maddie's sightings continue at their current rate, by Christmas there could be a tipping point where the toddler could be the only thing people see wherever they look. "Remember that scene in Being John Malkovich" asked Ebbsfleet "Where he goes into the restaurant and everyone looks like John Malkovich? Come Christmas, it's going to be like that, only with Maddies wherever you look."
Ebbsfleet closed with a chilling warning. "By the middle of 2009, the world's population will be effectively blind. Whenever anybody opens their eyes, all they will see is the missing toddler being led away by some swarthy foreign types..."

Friday, 1 August 2008

Agyness Dean Clips Nails

World Of Fashion Turned On Head

Style gurus around this fragile planet we call Earth were sent into a spinning vortex of turmoil today as paparazzi photos reveal that model, singer, model and model Agyness Dean has clipped her trademark long nails into a stunning new shorter-nails look.

Dean – who has eroded the very foundations of fashion and flung it, trembling, over the abyss into chaos with her freewheeling, daring and controversial haircuts and shoes – was photographed outside ‘Yah’, a hip, exclusive trendarium, nightspot and drycleaners in Chelsea, by paparazzo Umberto Ebbsfleet. When he reviewed the photos, he realised he’d snapped the most important and iconic pictures since the Berlin Wall tumbled much like fashion has done because of Agyness Dean, like we mentioned earlier.

“At first I didn’t notice as I was too busy looking at her cutting-edge gamine hairdo, fresh-faced complexion, down-to-earth Northerness and perky tits” said Ebbsfleet. “But when I’d, erm, finished, my eyes strayed to her fingernails. I could not believe what I was privileged to witness with these too, too mortal eyes. Her fingernails were about half an inch shorter than normal.”

Ebbsfleet immediately contacted all the major fashion magazines and a bidding war went into overdrive. Although reluctant to discuss how much the photos fetched (they were eventually bought by New York style magazine “ID Yo! Tick”), it is widely believed he is now richer than Croesus with a twelve-horse accumulator.

What happens in the aftermath of the hypermodel slightly trimming the bits of keratin on the ends of her fingers is unclear, but according to designer Tir Knutsford, the universe of over-priced ridiculous clothes will never be the same again. “Agyness Dean has seized the zeitgeist by the scruff of its neck with her newly-trimmed nails and shook it until all the fashion gold has fallen out of its pockets.”

“This generation will forever remember where they were when they heard that some pretty-looking woman had a manicure. Me? I was having cocaine licked out of my anus by my miniature poodle Klaus.”

Agyness Dean, in her typically frank, Northern, forthrightly Northern manner, has tried to play down this epoch-blistering event by commenting “Blimey, I were only having me nails cut a bit, lad. Eeeh. I’m Northern, I am. Have I mentioned it? By eck.”