Missing Toddler "Seen In More Places Than Starbucks"
The frequency that abductee of hearts Madeleine McCann is being sighted is increasing every day, says media person Jose Ebbsfleet. According to the unemployed pipefitter and part-time media commentator she is currently spotted more often than Elvis and Kurt Cobain combined and is set to become the most-sighted actually-dead person in Europe by late August.
"When she first went missing, people would report having seen her once every two days" said Ebbsfleet "With the obvious exception of her parents, who haven't seen her since they dumped her body..."(the next part of Ebbsfleet's statement was removed after a request from Kate & Gerry McCann's increasingly-busy lawyers). "But Maddie is currently being spotted once every twelve seconds. We can only assumed she has cracked the art of space and time travel to be in all these places at once."
However, if the rate of Maddie's sightings continue at their current rate, by Christmas there could be a tipping point where the toddler could be the only thing people see wherever they look. "Remember that scene in Being John Malkovich" asked Ebbsfleet "Where he goes into the restaurant and everyone looks like John Malkovich? Come Christmas, it's going to be like that, only with Maddies wherever you look."
Ebbsfleet closed with a chilling warning. "By the middle of 2009, the world's population will be effectively blind. Whenever anybody opens their eyes, all they will see is the missing toddler being led away by some swarthy foreign types..."
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