Thursday, 31 July 2008

British Gas Sends Turd To Every Customer

“Eat My Fluffy Waste” Says Chief Exec

After posting profits of £58 per second for 2008 just days after raising their prices by 35%, British Gas-owned Centrica have sent an explanatory letter to every customer in the UK wrapped around a freshly-laid human cable.

The letter, written by Centrica Chief Executive Piper Ebbsfleet, says:

“Dear Customer*

We understand there has been some concern** over our 35% price increases in light of the publicised profits made by Centrica this year.***

We would like to assure all our customers that the price increases were unavoidable and that your continued custom is appreciated.****

You will have found enclosed in the envelope a freshly-wrapped chunk of my digestion. We would ask all customers to carefully unwrap the parcel, pop it in a microwave for thirty seconds, then BITE DOWN ON MY FUCKING SHIT, YOU WORMS! EAT IT! EAT ALL OF IT! SCUM! YOU’RE ALL SCUM & I’LL CHARGE YOU WHAT THE CUNT I LIKE! AAAAHAHAHAAA!!!”

Yours, with respect

Piper Ebbsfleet
Chief Executive

** Sheer, carpet-biting fury
***Your hard-earned money paying for our coke, whores and cokewhores. Ha!
****Actually, we’d like to bitchslap each of you with a socket spanner, you worthless swine. Try and get gas somewhere else. Go on, I’ll wait. Dig a fucking well in your back garden for all the good it will do you.

Consumer group Energywatch has described Ebbsfleet’s response as “disappointing” and some Centrica customers feel their grievances are not being taken into consideration.

One Knutsford man, who wished to remain nameless, said “I’m a pensioner and I struggle to pay my gas bills. I phoned them the other week to complain and I was expecting an explanation. Not some sweetcorn-ridden lump with streaks of blood in it.”

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Drunk Kids Cause Less Bother, Claims Cameron

“Pissed Toddlers Can Barely Hold A Knife” Says Tory Leader

David Cameron has suggested parents get their kids as twatted as possible, starting immediately, in order to reduce youth-related crime. In a hard-hitting, in-depth political interview conducted by Radio 1, the Tory leader said “The disease of knife crime, antisocial behaviour and car theft could be removed at a stroke if the little blighters were so cunted they couldn’t walk 10 yards without falling over.”

Cameron, interviewed for Radio 1’s “Politics, Yeah?” spot talked about his childhood growing up in a fucking huge estate the size of a landlocked South American country. He went on to show how his formative years were exactly like those of a 14-year-old illiterate asboid living on a diet of frozen chips and WKD on a sink estate in Knutsford.

“All the people I know who have drink problems were those who weren’t allowed alcohol growing up” said Cameron. “Whereas the people who were knocking back the Quinta Da Novel like it was Ribena when they were ten have grown up to be well-balanced, if gout-ridden, adults.”

Just as Margaret Thatcher became known as the person responsible for taking the milk from nursery school children, Cameron wants to be known as “The man who introduced a generation of toddlers to claret.” He also outlined plans for alcohol education for children up to the age of 16. “By the time they leave school, every child should be able to tell the difference between a Lafite, a Latour and a Blue Nun.”

Should the Tories regain control in the next election, they will also give police new “Stop & Shotgun” powers in a bid to placate the nation’s youths. Any rowdy child could be forced to neck several shots of tequila until they lack the basic motor functions required to commit crime. They are advertising the proposed policy with the campaign slogan “Parents - Do You Know Where Your Child Is Puking Into A Hedge?”

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Benitez Buys Magic Beans For £30M
Two-Mile High Beanstalks to Replace Crouch

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez has confirmed the purchase of three magic beans to give the team some presence in the air for the forthcoming season. “After we pay £19M for Robbie Keane, the Tottenham chairman he start laughing very loudly. He ask whether I want some magic beans while I am there. When I ask for details of beans, he stop laughing and disappear to canteen.”

Benitez is hoping to plant a bean in each third of the pitch to give the team target legumes in key areas. When asked how the club proposes to finance such expensive signings, Benitez was remarkably upbeat. “I have been very fortunate because there is gentleman in Nigeria who needs to move £80M from the country and I have agreed to help him. I cannot discuss much the specifics, but he has my pin number and account details so I am expecting the money very soon.”

Arrests Made After Pier Fire
Two Rotherham Men Questioned

Avon police are questioning two men in relation to the Weston Pier fire that devastated the seafront landmark yesterday. They are refusing to give full details of the suspects, saying only that they were middle-aged brothers from Rotherham and were due to perform on the pier later this month.

Fire investigators told police they were 90% certain the fire was started by “Slapstick buffoonery” and the two brothers were arrested shortly afterwards. Inspector Ebbsfleet of Avon constabulary said “It’s early days, but we think that the two suspects were helping with the delivery of a deep fat fryer for the kitchens. An earwitness reports hearing each brother say that the fryer should be moved to him, to them, to him and seconds later flames engulfed the building.”

If found guilty, it will be the most serious case of buffoon-related criminal damage since an exploding clown car burnt down Gerry Cottle’s home in 1982.

Tories Set Out Plans For “Britain’s Social Gulf”
“Some Sort Of Moat Should Do It” Says Cameron

In today’s policy announcement, the Conservative Party set out their five-point plan to address the widening gap between Britain’s rich and poor. They are:

1: A large, spike-filled moat for every millionaire home-owner. “It’s disgraceful in this day and age that somebody who drops their H’s can just walk up to your front door” said Cameron.

2: Biometric ID cards that display the bearer’s bank balance. These will be used to stop poorer people entering selected restaurants, galleries, etc.

3: A 30-foot high protective wall to be built around Buckinghamshire.

4: Free knives for single parent families. “We must let nature take its course and thin out the pack” – Cameron.

5: All Easyjet flights to be one-way only. “It seems a nonsense that once we’ve got those dreadful paupers out of the country we allow them back in to stink the place up.” – Cameron.

Monday, 28 July 2008

Prostitutes To Sue Over Katona Jibe

“We Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead in Iceland” Says IUSW Spokestrollop

After Kerry Katona won a sizeable damages suit against the Sunday Mirror for claims that she had once been a prostitute, the International Union of Sex Workers has filed a claim of defamation after being compared to the former Atomic Kitten.

IUSW media spokesmoppet Candee Ebbsfleet said “We cock-handlers have been stigmatised since the dawn of history. In Ezekiel, the Bible says ‘And they shall burn your houses and execute judgments upon you in the sight of many women. I will make you stop playing the whore, and you shall also give payment no more.’ which not only encourages arson but non-payment for goods received.”

Ebbsfleet went on to reference other instances of dollymopism, including the 1842 Decency Act, which forbids “Any woman to walk the streets unaccompanied for the purposes of exchanging handjobs for farthings” and the John Ford play “Tis Pity She’s A Whore – Dump Her Body In A Rolled Up Carpet In A Layby.”

The IUSW formed in the year 2000 to work for the rights of its members and their right to work with members. They feel the Sunday Mirror’s article is deeply detrimental to the average prostitute in the street.

“Most sex workers are normal, decent people trying to earn a living and by comparing us with somebody like Kerry Katona, the Sunday Mirror has reinforced the prevailing view that we’re all drug-addled, foul-mouthed commoners with a face like a burst embryo” said Ebbsfleet.

The Sunday Mirror has been quick to distance itself from the IUSW’s allegations, stating “By saying Kerry Katona was an ex-prostitute, our intention was never to denigrate the vast majority of decent, hardworking hookers. We fully accept that being a sex-worker does not automatically mean you’re a talentless, tone-deaf, pig-eyed sack of dung and we apologise if any such inference was made.”

Friday, 25 July 2008

Jude Law In “Why Am I Shit?” Documentary

Actor Looks For Genetic Reasons Behind Awfulness

After John Barrowman’s appearance in the BBC documentary “Why Am I Gay?” the broadcaster is planning a further documentary starring balding charm-vacuum Jude Law called “Why Am I Shit?”

The original documentary saw Barrowman fly around the world to discover the reason behind him liking men’s bottoms quite so much. Varying theories, such as hormonal variations, nurture and genetic predisposition were mooted with no final conclusion being reached. In tests to grade his levels of gay, he scored an impressive “Carousel” out of ten.

It ended with the actor musing “Maybe we’ll never fully understand what causes a gay. But if my round-the-world jaunt on the BBC’s expense account can stop just one lad in Knutsford having his head stoved in for liking ABBA, it will have been worthwhile.”

Spurred on by the documentary’s success, the BBC are currently filming a new show with Jude Law, in which the murderer of Michael Caine’s back catalogue roams the globe to find out why he is so unutterably, stultifyingly shit.

“There is the theory that Jude Law was born totally shit.” said the documentary director Egon Ebbsfleet “If this is the case, then criticism of his wooden, vapid acting is prejudice – nothing less. He is merely conforming to what his DNA insists he must do – continue to phone in bland performances. Being a straight-to-video actor, then, is not a lifestyle choice.”

However, there is conflicting evidence to suggest that Law’s insipid shitness might be learned behaviour. His parents currently run a drama school in France, which suggests he was exposed to shitness at a young age. One of his early acting breaks was in the woeful ITV soap “Families”. Reward for being shit in something that itself was shit, would only positively reinforce Jude Law’s capacity for shit.

Early footage of the documentary shows Law talking about his shitness in a video diary. “It’s been a journey of discovery” he says “In my travels I’ve met up with other shit actors – Ashton Kutchner, Andi McDowell – and the support I received was amazing.”

“I’ve come to terms with being shit. My family have always supported my being shit. And the world must accept me for what I am – an actor that is proudly, defiantly shit.” Law’s monologue is impassioned, moving and honest. Although when he delivers it, it is, of course, really, really shit.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

Premiership Transfer Roundup

All The Pointless Panic Buys So Far

Arsenal – Jean-Pierre du Pingpong.
After losing half of his squad like a drunken pub crawl through Amsterdam, Wenger will have to buy big to appease fans hungry for success this season. The wily Professor Yaffle lookalike has spent big on the 8-year-old French winger Pingpong, who previously played in the Camargue Under-11 league.

“He is very fast, very hungry to learn and does his homework without complaint” said Wenger. “I think he will develop into a fine player”. It is expected that Wenger will give Pingpong his debut in the Carling Cup, 2018.

Chelsea – Khalid Croesus.
A period of huge upheaval in the Chelsea camp, as Frank Lampard’s slow waddle toward the exit threatens the whole training ground with subsidence. Scolari has quickly settled into the Chelsea way of buying players, known as the “Dr Evil Gambit”.

Smaller clubs shield their eyes peering to the summit of Chelsea’s cash reserves and when stating their asking price say “One Hundred, Billion Dollars!” before placing their little finger to their lips and cackling maniacally. Abramovich then rummages in his back pocket for the fee and ponies up.

Khalid Croesus is an experienced central midfielder but not blessed with pace. “At the chairman’s request, he is to be encased in platinum” said Scolari “He is then going to be studded with diamonds the size of ostrich eggs and bathed every day in virgin’s tears. Frankly, I think Mr Abramovich is running out of ways to piss his money up the wall, certainly after paying £30M for a knackered striker two years ago.”

Manchester City – Roy Of The Rovers.
After the offer to Ronaldhino, including his own considerable weight in dubloons to stand by the halfway line every Saturday waiting for the ball to be played to his feet had failed, City chairman Shinawatra set his sights on a more realistic target: 54-year-old fictional striker Roy Race.

“After going for one of the most gifted players on the planet who has lived his footballing career surrounded by superstars in clubs famed for their bulging trophy cabinets, we went for a more realistic target. In this case a fictional character.”

Race is expected to bring a more attacking threat from corners, except at the North East corner in the ground. “I don’t want the soil there disturbed” said Shinawatra “And no, I don’t know what happened to those twelve Thai dissidents who went missing last week.” Mr Shinawatra also refused to find the fact that his former political party was called Thai Rak even remotely funny.

Stoke City FC – Bob Journeyman
Stoke City’s summer signings have already been called “Pissing onto the bonfire of failure.” by their manager Tony Pulis. “Really, it’s just too depressing to think about” he continued “The top clubs can pay millions for players they won’t even use, and what have I got to work with? Less money than a one-legged hooker in Utah. What’s the fucking point?”

Pulis admitted that not even he could name half the current Stoke squad – “One of them used to play for Derby, I think”, he commented – and he is doubtful that any further additions to the team will be enough to ensure their premiership survival.

“I’ve signed that lad from Reading – seems a nice enough sort – but seriously, come on. £5m for a ginger bloke? There’s something not right about that.” Pulis has also signed Bob Journeyman, a 37-year-old striker who is good in the air, tough in the tackle and, Pulis admitted, “Long in the tooth”.

Journeyman’s previous clubs have included Crawley Town, Ebbsfleet United, Forfar, Port Vale, Aldershot, Yeovil, Kettering, Brechin, Oldham, Swansea, Partick, Morecambe, Leicester, Doncaster and, rather bizarrely, real Madrid.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Alternative Medicine Is “Utter Bilge” Court Rules

“Let’s See Homeopathy Cure A Pickaxe In The Groin”, Says Judge

After a woman was awarded £800,000 for the brain damage caused by a ‘detox’ diet recommended by nutritionist Barbara Nash, the High Court have also ruled that all nutritionists, faith healers and holistic practitioners be called “Whooping, fraudulent turds” with immediate effect.

Dawn Page was recommended to “Drink more water, because it’s the menses of Gaia, and dead natural and stuff” by her nutritionist, despite Ms Page‘s attack of uncontrollable vomiting. Defending her actions, Barbara Nash said “Ms Page didn’t drink organic water from my recommended local supplier and her couch was throwing her Chi all over the shop. I think those factors, rather than my so-called “Gross incompetence, rank charlatanism and pseudo-scientific cock” was responsible for her brain damage.”

But the High Court has demanded that any person claiming medical benefits from their treatments must have some basic understanding of how the human body works and must be able to back up their claims with unbiased trial results.

“Coming to court today, I used the internal combustion engine, an MP3 player and a mobile phone.” said Justice Ebbsfleet. “At no point did I feel the need to mount a rickshaw with a lute player and fire off a carrier pigeon with a note wrapped around its leg. The middle ages, which most of these ‘cures’ seem to originate from, was a time of pig-ignorance, poor hygiene and death by the age of thirty. Anybody who thinks a bottle of echinacea and an account with their local organic greengrocers is going to stop them getting sick is, frankly, a moron.”

Screeching humbug “Dr” Gillian Mckeith has defended alternative medicine, saying “Traditional doctors don’t know everything.”, but a senior member of the General Medical Council dismissed her opinion, saying “Her PhD is from “The Clayton College Of Natural Health” in Birmingham, Alabama. I’m not casting aspersions but I know they also do a Masters course in banjo-picking and whittling. For fuck’s sake. She’s about as much a doctor as David Tennant is.”

“No, doctors don’t know everything. That’s why we continue to conduct research. As opposed to looking at somebody’s tongue and telling them their kidneys need massaging.”

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Winehouse Escape Plot Foiled

Singer Attempted To Post Herself To Jailed Husband

An audacious plot to spring Blake Fielder-Civil, the inappropriately-named partner of Amy Winehouse, from jail was uncovered by Metropolitan Police and the Royal Mail early this morning.

Acting on a tipoff from Royal Mail workers, police opened a suspect envelope addressed to Fielder-Civil at Pentonville Prison to find a disorientated Winehouse inside. Workers were first alerted to her presence when the envelope started asking for a light before punching a passing postman.

“Winehouse’s much-publicised weight loss was, it seems, integral to the escape plan.” said Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet “While many have ascribed it to drug usage, stress, etc. it seems the singer was making herself thin enough to be carried by post.”

A raid on Winehouse’s Camden address also revealed several yoga DVDs and manuals, which police believe she has studied for some time in order to make herself flexible enough to fit inside the A4 envelope. Her tattoos were allegedly a form of camouflage, making prison officers believe she was merely a severely-smudged love note.

“Once inside Pentonville, we think Winehouse planned to burst out of the envelope and track down her husband’s cell. Able to slip through the bars, she would have then used a nailfile hidden in her beehive to pick the lock.”

Winehouse is currently being questioned by Met police, but so far has answered “No, no, no” to all their lines of enquiry. But Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet praised his officers. “Today we stopped a very serious crime from being committed. Without our work, yet another jumped-up, cokefaced, braying toff arsewit would be loose on the streets of Hoxton.”

Meanwhile, Pete Doherty, friend of the soul singer, has shocked the music world by announcing his plans to enter next year’s Tour De France. His agent stated “Pete loves the outdoors, especially the countryside of France. So the opportunity to experience it while arsed-up on the finest cocktail of drugs money can buy, like most of the other competitors, was too hard to resist.”

Doherty has already pulled out of several of the stages of next year’s race, citing ‘Personal reasons. Mostly involving heroin.”

Monday, 21 July 2008

80% Of Accidents ‘Caused By Evil Car Gnome’

“He Lives in Your Carburettor & Smells Like Ottawa” Says Crash Survivor

The existence of a malevolent car-dwelling sprite that gnaws through brake cables, hangs off windscreen wipers and puts the engine into first gear while you’re not looking is just one of a number of explanations given for the millions of car accidents that occurred in the UK last year.

Direct Line car insurance, who conducted the survey in the name of rigorous scientific research and in no way to get a page 5 filler story in the tabloids, say car manufacturers should make drivers more aware of the car gnome and his unquenchable thirst for vehicular destruction.

“It’s all very well fitting airbags, antilock brakes and the like” said Direct Line person Janice Ebbsfleet “but until they do more to eradicate the existence of an untraceable troll, there’s really little point.”

Other reasons drivers gave for ploughing their ton of metal into a tree included “The wrong type of tarmac”, “Sudden attacks of existential ennui” and “Radio 1”. But the most controversial reason is inaccurate directions given by SatNav equipment.

Road safety group Brake have called on SatNav companies to show more responsibility. “We hail the SatNav. We must do its bidding. The SatNav is wise, and knows all. But could the SatNav please stop telling us to pull a u-turn at 70 miles an hour on the A1? Our necks hurt. All praise to the mighty SatNav.”

Motoring journalist Jeremy Knutsford was less than sympathetic with the survey’s findings. “If you’ve passed your driving test, we can assume a couple of things. You’ve got opposable thumbs and can read to a standard that allows you to know what road signs mean.”

“So given these assumptions, can we not further assume that you’re a marginally-intelligent adult and as such should take some responsibility if you suddenly decide to veer off into a canal, for fuck’s sake?”

Garry Chester, the sole survivor of a twelve-car pileup, still maintains that his SatNav was responsible for the 21 fatalities his accident caused, however. “I was driving home from work, a journey I’d done every day for the past eight years. I’d recently bought my SatNav and switched it on out of curiosity just before I set off.

“So I’m doing 55 down the dual carriageway when suddenly this plummy-voiced bird told me to turn left into a ravine. I was brought up to obey my betters, so I slung the car over the barriers and down the embankment. I was only doing what it told me to. Can I have my compensation cheque, now, please?”

Friday, 18 July 2008

Fuel Prices Hit Teen Drug Users

80% Cannot Afford Butane Addiction

Spiralling fuel prices have forced many teenage drug users to look to alternative methods for getting fucked off their tit, says drug counselling service Addaction. With gas prices due to rise 70% in the coming months, many teens simply cannot twock car stereos fast enough to meet their demand for butane, which will crash through the £4 per can barrier by September. In comparison the base rate of inflation for pocket money has been a mere 8%

“The government needs to act on this immediately” said Ryan Ebbsfleet of Addaction “or the nation’s can-heads will simply be priced out of the market.” Addaction feels that fuel price rises will have the effect of marginalising the poorer elements of society. “There was a time when solvent abuse was the most egalitarian of drug addictions. You didn’t need to have a silver spoon in your mouth to have a lighter refill up your nose.”

“But now it’s going to be the rush of choice for the middle classes. Only the privileged will be able to get munted on aerosols and as usual, the lower classes get left behind.”

Ebbsfleet has estimated that by February 2009, it will be cheaper to mong yourself up on generic brand sherry than solvents and a way cabbaging the nation’s young will be lost forever. “It will go the way of badger-baiting and mead as a way of kids getting their rocks off. Gas-huffing will be something people will tell their grandchildren about.”

Already, some enterprising youths have begun sourcing alternative forms of high. The Knutsford Pony Club has already reported 45 of their horses having their hooves cut off. “The little bleeders sneak in here of an evening, anaesthetise the horses, cut their hooves off and bugger off to boil them down for glue to sniff. It’s disgusting. Why don’t they just shoot up the horse tranquiliser, that’s what I want to know? I used to love sinking into a K-hole as a kid.”

Thursday, 17 July 2008

‘Chav’ Offensive To Abusive, Drunken Scum Says Think Tank

“How About ‘Shitbag’, Then?” Asks Linguist

Tom Hampson of The Fabian Society has insisted that the word ‘chav’ is offensive to greasy, slate-eyed council doyens and should not be used. “It’s a term of class hatred” said Hampson “and is deeply offensive to a largely voiceless group”, clearly showing he has never used the Croydon tram service, which is generally frequented by what appear to be polyester-clad howler monkeys.

Hampson went on to say that the term was “Sneering and patronising” but did not suggest what other responses were appropriate when faced with a horde of illiterate, unemployable criminals hellbent on stealing anything that wasn’t nailed to your forehead.

Hampson gave his press conference outside the front gates of his Hampstead mews, approximately three miles away from the nearest working-class person. He feels his years spent at Trinity College Cambridge, his work for esoteric theoretical political think tanks and running his own media consultancy company makes him ideally qualified to comment on life in a 25-story tower block that smells of dead tramp.

Leading professor of linguistics Taylor Ebbsfleet agrees with the Fabian Society’s statement. “I think the term ‘chav’ is too limiting and shows a paucity of language.” said Ebbsfleet. “Think of the vast scope of terms we could be using instead. ‘Shitbag’ springs immediately to one’s lips, as does ‘Dole-ferret’. ‘Pramface’, ‘Kyle-fodder’, the possibilities are endless.”

In the housing estates of Knutsford, there is a strong backlash against the use of the term. “It’s denying me human rights, innit?” said Beckham Dwayne, an unemployed car thief. “It’s not showing me respect, right, and I’m not being funny, right, but that’s not right, right. Yeah?”

Meanwhile, Tom Hampson is adamant that use of the word ‘chav’ is demonising large sections of the population. “Just because a significant portion of the nation have absolutely no aspirations, little respect for the law, a need for instant gratification, no manners, revolting clothing and hair that looks like it’s been cut with a lathe, we should not marginalise them by using a term they use about themselves anyway.”

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Brand Apologises For Hoax

Following a warning from the police, Russell Brand has apologised for an onstage hoax in Northampton in which he impersonated a comedian. “Verily, me very heart bleeds for the coppers what had to listen to me natter” said Brand in a needlessly verbose press statement earlier today. “Cut me very dinkle off guvnor if it should happen again. I was only ‘aving a little jape at the knave what’s been sexually assaulting the ladies, ‘cos obviously that’s really funny.”

A spokesman for Northampton Police said “Impersonating a comedian with intent to defraud is a serious matter. If in doubt, the public should listen very carefully to the utterances of somebody claiming to be a comedian. Trading standards take a very dim view of this and our colleagues in America are currently investigating a multi-million dollar scam perpetrated by a chap calling himself Dane Cook.”

Cameron Asks Obama To Have A Go At The Chinese Next

Following his support for Barack Obama’s speech urging absentee black fathers to play a greater role in family life, David Cameron has asked the US presidential candidate whether he can “Take the piss out of the chinks next. Maybe something about their accents. I’ve always wanted to have a pop at them, but fuck that for a game of electoral cricket. I’d get lynched. Sorry, no offence.”

Cameron is to set off on a worldwide tour visiting various heads of state, hoping they will also give him license to spread his vile bigoted filth. “He’s really hoping President Singh of India will say something about smelling of curry.” said Tory person Haughley Ebbsfleet-Ffinch. “He’s always wanted to wobble his head and go ‘bud-bud-bud’ in parliament and with the help of the Indian president, he might still get the chance.”

Boris Johnson has criticised Cameron’s tour, saying “Seems an awful lot of bother to me. When I want to call ‘em pickaninnies, I damn well do. I don’t need the permission of some feller in Umbo Bogo land.”

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Tuesday, 15 July 2008

Deluded Youths Gather In Sydney

“A Great Day For Ignoring The Facts” Says Pontiff

Pope Benedict XVI kicked off World Youth Day in Sydney this morning by telling the massed 200,000 teenagers “To think, you are in the sunniest, most laid-back city on the planet. You could be naked, drunk and having sex on surfboard. But no, you have decided to listen to an old Nazi tell you that you’re all evil. God Bless you all.”

The ceremony started with a traditional welcoming dance from Australian Aborigines, which the Pope remarked as being “Utterly charming. Lovely. Thank you so much. You’re all pagans and you’re going to burn for eternity, obviously, but thanks all the same.” He then asked a passing Cardinal “I thought we had all this lot shot years ago?”

Benedict (“Call me Benny” he implored the crowd at one point) called the congregation of unlovable virgins “Pilgrims of peace”, adding “The Catholic Church completely opposes all forms of armed conflict. Just look at our stance during World War II. Did a proper bodyswerve on that one, I can tell you.”

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd then launched into a searingly insightful attack on rationalists who oppose the Church. "Some say there is no place for faith in the 21st century, I say they are wrong. Some say that faith is the enemy of reason, I say also they are wrong," A passing Richard Dawkins was heard to remark “Well, there’s no arguing with logic like that. Put me right in my place, he has. That’s my career proper fucked, isn’t it?”

The gathering is due to last six days, to reflect the six days God took to make the entire universe. “Let’s see those so-called ‘scientists’ have a 4,000 billion year event, eh?” chuckled Pope Benedict. He has also embraced new technology, sending inspirational text messages each day, such as “Gd is gr8”, “JC4U” & “Abrt & u go2 hell”

One local resident, Galah Ebbsfleet, was less pleased with the Papal visit, however, remarking “Flamin’ pontiffs!” before going to work in his local caravan park.

Monday, 14 July 2008

Employers Brace Themselves For Thatcher Death

Widespread Absenteeism Will Cause ‘Pandemonium” Say DoT

With the news that Margaret Thatcher is to have a state funeral released yesterday, the Department Of Trade has said that her death could spark “The biggest disruption to trade since the Y2K bug.”

DoT person Gregg Ebbsfleet stated “We anticipate that the morning after she dies, the amount of people off work with a hangover could be as high as 90%. On the one hand, you’ve got your deluded Tories who will see her passing as the end of an era and will have impromptu wakes in their mews lamenting that behaving like a blank-eyed, heartless little shitehawk is seen by many to be passé these days.”

“On the other hand, pretty much everyone north of Watford will be dancing in the streets, hugging each other, crying tears of joy. You’re going to be able to see the celebrations from the moon as vast swathes of Yorkshire, Lancashire and Teesside will be lit up like Christmas tree. Scotland’s going to be like New Year’s Eve, Burns Night and half-price Tennants day at Lidl all rolled into one.”

Emergency services will cancel leave as hospitals brace themselves for vast numbers of patients admitted with laughing-their-fucking-arse-off–related injuries.

A motion has been tabled that Thatcher’s remains should be laid to rest in Westminster Hall, but tourism chiefs have said this would be wasteful. “British tourism has been in steady decline over the last 30 years and this is a real opportunity to get holidaymakers to visit the many beautiful sites of the UK. Any tourist attractions that currently struggle with numbers should be allowed to apply to have Thatcher’s remains on their grounds for a week, along with a suitable disco and bar.”

Meanwhile, the estimated £3 million cost of Thatcher’s state funeral has also come under fire. Knutsford MP Arnold Lane said “It’s a disgrace that taxpayer’s money should be spent in this manner. The cost of her funeral should be borne by her dreadful family and the earmarked money should be put behind bars up and down the UK.”

Push Jelly will be holding its own Thatcher Death Hootenanny in Hyde Park London, 1pm the day after her demise, by Speaker’s Corner. We ask that revellers bring enough booze to drown a Geordie stag night and a t shirt saying “I AM EBBSFLEET”.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Ronaldo To Remake TV Show ‘Roots’

This article can now be seen at the excellent Daily Mash site, here:'roots'--200807111089/


Thursday, 10 July 2008

Call Me ‘Patrick Bateman’ Says Cameron

Tory Gaff In Literary One-Upmanship

Following Gordon Brown’s revelation that he compares himself to Heathcliff, Emily Bronte’s vindictive, embittered and violent wifebeater in Wuthering Heights, David Cameron has upped the stakes by stating that in all shadow cabinet meetings, MPs must call him Patrick Bateman after the psychopathic central character in Brett Easton Ellis’ largely boring “American Psycho”.

Brown has since admitted that his comparison to Heathcliff was based solely on hearing Kate Bush’s “Wuthering Heights’ on Smooth FM several weeks ago. “See that Kate Bush? She’s a bonny wee ride and in the song she’s awfy keen on this Heathcliff punter. So I says I want to be like him, so’s I can gerra feel up o’ her. I sometimes like to call maself Ken so’s that skinny Barbie Girl burd from ‘Aqua’ might gie us a call.”

Nevertheless, Cameron feels that the links between him and the sexually violent Bateman are plain to see. “We both come from privileged backgrounds. We both take a lot of time on our appearance. In the book he’s always listing what labels he’s wearing, and I always ensure my labels are tucked in. We’re both movers and shakers in the economy. Granted, he makes millions of dollars on the stock exchange and I just tell Labour that their taxation policy is bobbins, but there’s still a similarity.”

Cameron went on to list their shared taste in Huey Lewis and Genesis and their love of fine dining. “Really, we’re like two peas in a rightwing pod.” The press conference was cut short, however, when Cameron started on a graphic story involving him, two crack whores and a hungry rat. Tory spokesperson Ffinchley Ebbsfleet said “Mr Cameron is very tired after a long week of telling everybody who’ll listen he’s going to be running the country soon. His statements, as usual, must not be taken seriously.”

In a smaller press conference held in Knutsford Central Library, Liberal Democrat leader Nick thingumybob outlined the parallels between himself and Catch 22’s Major Major Major Major: “Both of us have been promoted, very quickly, way beyond our abilities and nobody wants anything to do with us. Furthermo…hello? Hello?”

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Rapper Name Changed To “Punkass Bitch”

“Shout Out To All My Alumni” Says Singer

After details of the armed arrest of Nzube Udezue, also known as rapper “Zuby”, came to light, the Coalition Of Rappers, Bling - Loving International Mothafuckin’ Emcees, Yo! have decreed that he must change his stage name to “Punkass Bitch” or “Baby-Ass Mofo”.

Ebbsfleet D, founder of CORBLIMEY!, said “Brother be getting off his train, minding his own shit, when 911 start banging on the mothafucka. ‘Bout to get Rodney King on his ass. Now, we have rules for that kinda shit. If the 5-0 be all up in your face, a rapper got to throw up some gang signs, shout “FUCK you! Represent!” and take his beats like a man.”

Eyewitnesses to Zuby’s arrest suggest he didn’t adhere to CORBLIMEY!’s statutes, however. One stated “When the police raised their weapons and told him to get on the ground, he immediately started crying and appeared to soil himself – front and back, if you see what I mean. He started sobbing that his uncle was a QC and that if they phoned the Proctor of Oxford University they’d realise they’d made a terrible mistake.”

CORBLIMEY! have taken a dim view of Zuby’s behaviour when faced with an actual gun that fires real bullets. “We checked his registration forms and the sucka ain’t packing. No Glocks, Uzis, none of that shit. Next to ‘Weapons Owned’ he wrote ‘Wrist rocket’. What the fuck?”

CORBLIMEY! are now considering whether to revoke Zuby’s membership, citing “Serious pussy-like behaviour.”

Zuby has already made plans to cash in on his new-found notoriety, however. “Oh, indubitably, do you get me? I shall be working all that shit, no question. Do you dig? My new CD will be hitting all reputable shops shortly, my dog, and it will have fat beats, of that you can be assured.”

Demo copies of Zuby’s album “Public Schoolboy” feature tracks such as “Respect Tha Police”, “Straight Outta Oxbridge” and “Nuthin’ But A BA(Hons) Thang”.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Church Of England To Allow Atheist Bishops

“Let’s Not Get Hung Up On The Whole God Thing” Says Dr Williams

The Church of England’s General Synod (NB: General Synod is the legislative body of the CoE and not, as previously thought, Darth Vader’s second in command) has overturned hundreds of years of doctrine by allowing atheist bishops.

Dr Rowan Williams stated “Belief in a benevolent, all-knowing creator is a matter of personal choice. If somebody can carry off wearing a surplice, keeps their hands off the kids and can pull in the punters, quite frankly they can believe the world was pooped out the bottom of a giant astral meerkat for all I care.”

The move follows the synod’s decision to allow female bishops, which commentators feel was due to many Archbishop’s inability to explain what a woman actually was in public. When the synod was questioned what physical attributes should bar people from wearing daft hats and organising tombolas, Dr Williams stammered for several minutes, flushed visibly, muttered something about “boobies” before deciding to allow women into their club.

But conservative elements within the CoE feel that the synod has taken a step too far. Eliasaph Ebbsfleet, chief wrangler for the Church of the Saturday Saints, has warned that the very foundation of the mother church is at risk. “God is on record as clearly stating that if you don’t believe in him, he will beat the living tar out of you for all eternity. The idea that somebody can now waltz into a cushy six-figure job without even thinking his boss exists is plain lunacy.”

“The Bible is clear on a number of other issues. Not least of which is that women are just bloody awful. Look, it says here in Corinthians: ‘Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak’. But try telling that to parishioners these days and you’ll get a size four Jimmy Choo in your clackers.”

Ebbsfleet feels standards have been slipping for several years. “Personally, I reckon it’s all gone bollocks-up since they started letting that Titchmarsh feller present Songs Of Praise. Awful man.”

Monday, 7 July 2008

Britain Faces Tat Shortage

Ldl & Woolworths Action Could Grind UK’s Cack Economy To Halt

Strike action by Argos workers is threatening to deprive consumers of shoddy, gaudy shite through the UK, the Department Of Trade has warned. With other retail outlets such as Iceland and Poundland balloting its members, council estate denizens across the country could soon be forced to rummage in bins for its tawdry gewgaws.

“This could spell disaster for the economy.” said DoT spokesman Hunters Ebbsfleet. “2007 figures showed that 29% of high-street purchases consisted of flimsy, mass-produced shod that would fall to bits within three months. In our supermarkets, a massive 38% of food purchases were barely-edible excretia I personally wouldn’t force upon my dog. Usually shaped liked dinosaurs or Jay Z or something. Uck.”

The ballot by Argos workers was taken yesterday, with the options on the ballot paper marked as either “Wah? Yeah. S’pose” or “Shurrup. No way, like.”. There were initial fears that striking Argos workers would be impossible to differentiate from nominally ‘active’ members of staff. This was avoided by striking workers due to wear a commemorative Elizabeth Duke silver-plated ‘Picket Line’ badge.

Union representative Gerry Knutsford made clear the demands that must be met before Argos staff return to gossiping about who shagged who against the bins behind Glitzy’s last Saturday. “All we’re asking for is an indolent, barely mobile day’s work in return for a completely unrepresentative day’s pay.”

But with other high street crudmerchants voting on industrial action and Argos bosses, very much like their dead-eyed peons, refusing to budge, the outlook seems bleak for the nation’s feral unemployables. “Trust me” warned Ebbsfleet “If the situation continues, they’ll be out of Sunny Delight and Sean Paul posters before the week is out. Then it’s going to look like a burberry-covered Dawn Of The Dead. Thank Christ I live in Buckinghamshire, that’s all I can say.”

Friday, 4 July 2008

Badger Cull Quashed By Whimsical Comedians

“It’s Like Being In A Waltzer Full Of Spangles” Says Comic

The government plan to cull wild badgers in an attempt to curb the spread of bovine TB has been quashed following a campaign by SUCKS. SUCKS (Stand Up Comics’ Kiddy Surrealism) said the planned cull amounted to a restriction of trade.

SUCKS spokesman Lester Ebbsfleet said “It was mad, right. All these MPs were, like, going to stamp all over the countryside like giant spiders made of tweed. And all the badgers were like “Oh no, I’ve only just re-carpeted my set and now there’s going to be a big spider footprint in the middle of it. Nightmare.

So we all got together and baked some cakes that said ‘Leave the badgers alone’ on them. Except it wasn’t written in icing, right, what we actually did was we trained some ants to stand in formation and they were well annoyed because July is the end of the ant tax year and they had loads of forms they had to fill in by the end of the week.”

Ebbsfleet went on in this vein for some time before coming to the explanation as to why the badger was so important to SUCKS. “After watching a couple of comedy DVDs – Bill Bailey, Harry Hill, stuff like that – we thought that it’d be great to get onstage and anthropomorphise various woodland creatures. At the very least, we thought it would be quicker than writing routines with actual jokes in them.”

“Anyway, badgers are just funny, aren’t they? Say ‘badger’ onstage and that’s as good as a punchline. Unless you don’t speak English. Hey, imagine if you had a badger living in your pocket that couldn’t speak English? That would be mad, because you’re trying to tell him to keep quiet while you’re reading a book and he’s insisting on listening to the radio, only he’s saying it in German…”

Thursday, 3 July 2008

Hopeless Scottish Bastard Loses

LTA Vows To “Make Hadrian’s Wall 35-Feet High”

British hopes for a tennis player that doesn’t completely suck monkey pussy were dashed last night as useless, pasty-faced puddle of piss Andrew Murray was beaten like Naomi Campbell’s PA by Rafael Nadal in straight sets.

Thousands flocked to watch a sport they couldn’t give a greased fuck about for 50 weeks of the year, in the hopes of seeing the mardy-arsed haggis botherer Murray get his shit together and beat somebody they’d actually heard of. However, it quickly became apparent that Murray wouldn’t know which end of a tennis racquet to hold if you strapped a tin of Tennant’s Super to it.

Play was suspended for ten minutes as Murray continually attempted to toss his racquet over the net, mistaking it for a caber. He then went on to harangue a female line judge, saying “You’ve no gorra poond forra tin o spesh, have ye hen?”

When Murray finally calmed down and play commenced it was immediately clear that Nadal would have the beating of Murray even if somebody tied Nadal’s feet around his eyes and broke all his fingers.

After the match, Nadal was gracious in victory, asking “Is big joke, yes? I am hitting the ball to Andrew and all time I am expecting the Jeremy Beadle to appear as ball boy with suspicious beard. I even try to point which way I hit ball to Andrew, but he seem to have hand-eye coordination of, how you say it, a fucking retarded panda.”

Lawn Tennis Association person Chesterton Ebbsfleet was less sanguine, however. “That is the last time we let one of those Caledonian arsenuts make a fool of us, I can tell you. We gave him a chance, treated him as an equal and what did Murray do? Pissed on all our hopes like it was an Oxford Street doorway after closing time. Never again.”

“Tomorrow morning, fifty-eight LTA bulldozers are making their way to Scotland and they’re going to plough up every tennis court in the land. On the way back, they’re going to extend Hadrian’s Wall to either coast and raise it up another thirty feet. We’ve got the gun turrets on order.”

Murray was unavailable for comment at time of press but is understood to be recovering from the heavy defeat on a park bench.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Maddie Parents ‘Nicer Than Jesus’

Police Say McCanns “Smell Really Lovely, Too”

Portugese police have formally announced that they consider Kate & Gerry McCann to be “Really, really great people. Just super. They had absolutely nothing to do with their daughter’s disappearance and it’d take somebody with a far better legal team than us to say otherwise.”

Portugese police chief Alberto del Ebbsfleet took the unprecedented step of listing specifically what the McCanns had not done wrong. They were:

1: Leaving a small child in an unlocked apartment out of sight and earshot to get drunk with their friends. “Many people ask why they didn’t hire a hotel babysitter or use the hotel crèche. This is nonsense. I have fine olive groves at home. Do I leave somebody to watch them when I go to work? No. If somebody pisses on them, sets fire to them, it is a risk I have to take. And they took many more years to grow than Madeleine.”

2: Using the Madeleine Fund to pay for an extended beano in Portugal as well as jaunts to the US, Africa and having their picture taken with a pope. “Having a child go missing is an intensely upsetting thing to have happen, especially if it wasn’t you that killed the child then dumped it down a well somewhere, which they absolutely did not do. While most people would go home to be with their family and friends, they decided to go and see a bit of the world. It took their minds off things. Where’s the harm in that? And anyway, wouldn’t you want to meet Oprah? I would.”

3: Attempting to use the Madeleine Fund to pay their legal fees. “We know, from experience of trying to run a normal investigation and therefore asking pertinent questions about the McCanns, just how costly legal fees can be. I’ve seen the bill the McCanns sent us. With a combined wage of about £200,000 a year, it would be foolish to expect them to pay for their own legal fees. I’m sure all the people who sent in teddy bears would not object to them being sold on ebay and the profits used to sue The Express.”

Del Ebbsfleet went on to list other things the McCanns were not to blame for, including “The Middle East war, inflation, existential angst and the existence of piles. But, and I need to make this clear in a legally binding sense, they absolutely have never done anything wrong at all ever in relation to the disappearance of their daughter.”

Hundreds of other children, less pretty and middle-class unfortunately, have gone missing since Madeleine McCann’s disappearance and Push Jelly has been asked to point out that the McCanns had nothing to do with their disappearance either.

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

House Prices Now “Merely Staggeringly Ridiculous”

Property Values Fall From “Obscenely Inflated” For First Time In 16 Years

HSBC reported that in the last three months, the average house price has stopped making first-time buyers want to weep bitter tears of envy and have merely made them vomit disbelief into their upturned hands.

Tim Ebbsfleet of the HSBC Mortgage Advice Centre stated “This time last year, you could literally walk across the Thames on the backs of first-time buyers who’d flung themselves in when they’d realised that studio flat in Penge was going to cost the same as a Faberge elephant.”

“However, market forces are such that anyone currently looking to get onto the property ladder will merely snort derisively about pulling a tinfoil llama out of their arses while trying to stump up the deposit.”

When asked what he meant by ‘market forces’, Ebbsfleet replied “Market forces are, and I can’t stress this clearly enough, the subtle trends, factors and influences that compel banks to make you leap through shit-smeared hoops, while they cackle and light cigars with £50 notes of your money. All because you’ve grown tired of handing over all your wages to a greasy twat in a suit for the privilege of living in a grotty hovel that you’ll never own.”

Ebbsfleet felt that it wasn’t all bad news, however. “We’re still fucking minted, mate. Not to worry. Either way we’re a winner. The old market saw us hand out mortgages like they’re sweets to unemployable dunderheads who wanted million pound homes. They default, we charge ‘em ten grand for fucking up and take the keys off ‘em. Lovely.”

“Nowadays, we spend half our time calling people fuckpigs and telling them to sling their hook for daring to ask for a mortgage. And the other half that do get them from us have to adhere to some ‘special conditions’, if you get my meaning. I’m knuckle-deep in nest-building fanny. Happy days.”