Drunk Kids Cause Less Bother, Claims Cameron

“Pissed Toddlers Can Barely Hold A Knife” Says Tory Leader



David Cameron has suggested parents get their kids as twatted as possible, starting immediately, in order to reduce youth-related crime. In a hard-hitting, in-depth political interview conducted by Radio 1, the Tory leader said “The disease of knife crime, antisocial behaviour and car theft could be removed at a stroke if the little blighters were so cunted they couldn’t walk 10 yards without falling over.”

Cameron, interviewed for Radio 1’s “Politics, Yeah?” spot talked about his childhood growing up in a fucking huge estate the size of a landlocked South American country. He went on to show how his formative years were exactly like those of a 14-year-old illiterate asboid living on a diet of frozen chips and WKD on a sink estate in Knutsford.

“All the people I know who have drink problems were those who weren’t allowed alcohol growing up” said Cameron. “Whereas the people who were knocking back the Quinta Da Novel like it was Ribena when they were ten have grown up to be well-balanced, if gout-ridden, adults.”

Just as Margaret Thatcher became known as the person responsible for taking the milk from nursery school children, Cameron wants to be known as “The man who introduced a generation of toddlers to claret.” He also outlined plans for alcohol education for children up to the age of 16. “By the time they leave school, every child should be able to tell the difference between a Lafite, a Latour and a Blue Nun.”

Should the Tories regain control in the next election, they will also give police new “Stop & Shotgun” powers in a bid to placate the nation’s youths. Any rowdy child could be forced to neck several shots of tequila until they lack the basic motor functions required to commit crime. They are advertising the proposed policy with the campaign slogan “Parents - Do You Know Where Your Child Is Puking Into A Hedge?”

Tory Plan To “Stop Bloody Commoners Enjoying Themselves”

“You Have To Earn The Right To Get Shitfaced” Says MP

The Conservative MP for Knutsford, Sir Ingram Ebbsfleet, has proposed a taxation plan to “Stop those ghastly little poor people from daring to have fun.”

The main part of his proposal is a taxation hike on drinks such as alcopops, strong beer and cider. “Basically anything you see these dreadful proles passing around to each other in shop doorways. My maid left a bottle of the wretched brew behind after I fired her for refusing to sit on my knee for ‘special cuddles’. I tried a sip and promptly regurgitated it all over the Persian rug. The damned stuff tasted like battery acid mixed with Lucozade. No wonder the underclass is so prickly all the time if that’s all they have to drink.”

Not all alcoholic drinks will be affected by the proposed rise in duty, however. “There’ll be no price change on stuff like Montrachet or Quinta De Noval” said Ebbsfleet “Lord knows they’re pricey enough as it is. And a good bottle of Talisker isn’t going to be affected. Really speaking, it’s just going to be the fizzy, sugary stuff the oiks use.”

Ebbsfleet also plans to place warning lables on the affected drinks, such as “Shouldn’t you be looking for work?” and “Drunkenness leads to sloth, young man”

The taxation plans will affect more than just alcoholic drinks. Wide-screen televisions, sovereign rings and tracksuits will all have duty on them trebled under the new scheme. “Basically anything that gets your average council house dweller hot under the collar” said Ebbsfleet.

The move was dismissed by Chancellor Alistair Darling, however. “The Tories can propose whatever they want, frankly, because they don’t run this fucking country – we do. They can suggest giving every pensioner in the UK a pet lion for all I care. It won’t make a lick of frigging difference at the end of the day, because our boy’s in number 10. People will do what we say and damned well like it.”