Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Maddie Parents ‘Nicer Than Jesus’

Police Say McCanns “Smell Really Lovely, Too”

Portugese police have formally announced that they consider Kate & Gerry McCann to be “Really, really great people. Just super. They had absolutely nothing to do with their daughter’s disappearance and it’d take somebody with a far better legal team than us to say otherwise.”

Portugese police chief Alberto del Ebbsfleet took the unprecedented step of listing specifically what the McCanns had not done wrong. They were:

1: Leaving a small child in an unlocked apartment out of sight and earshot to get drunk with their friends. “Many people ask why they didn’t hire a hotel babysitter or use the hotel crèche. This is nonsense. I have fine olive groves at home. Do I leave somebody to watch them when I go to work? No. If somebody pisses on them, sets fire to them, it is a risk I have to take. And they took many more years to grow than Madeleine.”

2: Using the Madeleine Fund to pay for an extended beano in Portugal as well as jaunts to the US, Africa and having their picture taken with a pope. “Having a child go missing is an intensely upsetting thing to have happen, especially if it wasn’t you that killed the child then dumped it down a well somewhere, which they absolutely did not do. While most people would go home to be with their family and friends, they decided to go and see a bit of the world. It took their minds off things. Where’s the harm in that? And anyway, wouldn’t you want to meet Oprah? I would.”

3: Attempting to use the Madeleine Fund to pay their legal fees. “We know, from experience of trying to run a normal investigation and therefore asking pertinent questions about the McCanns, just how costly legal fees can be. I’ve seen the bill the McCanns sent us. With a combined wage of about £200,000 a year, it would be foolish to expect them to pay for their own legal fees. I’m sure all the people who sent in teddy bears would not object to them being sold on ebay and the profits used to sue The Express.”

Del Ebbsfleet went on to list other things the McCanns were not to blame for, including “The Middle East war, inflation, existential angst and the existence of piles. But, and I need to make this clear in a legally binding sense, they absolutely have never done anything wrong at all ever in relation to the disappearance of their daughter.”

Hundreds of other children, less pretty and middle-class unfortunately, have gone missing since Madeleine McCann’s disappearance and Push Jelly has been asked to point out that the McCanns had nothing to do with their disappearance either.

1 comment:

jim said...

they should use their fund to buy some new kids.