Monday, 7 July 2008

Britain Faces Tat Shortage

Ldl & Woolworths Action Could Grind UK’s Cack Economy To Halt

Strike action by Argos workers is threatening to deprive consumers of shoddy, gaudy shite through the UK, the Department Of Trade has warned. With other retail outlets such as Iceland and Poundland balloting its members, council estate denizens across the country could soon be forced to rummage in bins for its tawdry gewgaws.

“This could spell disaster for the economy.” said DoT spokesman Hunters Ebbsfleet. “2007 figures showed that 29% of high-street purchases consisted of flimsy, mass-produced shod that would fall to bits within three months. In our supermarkets, a massive 38% of food purchases were barely-edible excretia I personally wouldn’t force upon my dog. Usually shaped liked dinosaurs or Jay Z or something. Uck.”

The ballot by Argos workers was taken yesterday, with the options on the ballot paper marked as either “Wah? Yeah. S’pose” or “Shurrup. No way, like.”. There were initial fears that striking Argos workers would be impossible to differentiate from nominally ‘active’ members of staff. This was avoided by striking workers due to wear a commemorative Elizabeth Duke silver-plated ‘Picket Line’ badge.

Union representative Gerry Knutsford made clear the demands that must be met before Argos staff return to gossiping about who shagged who against the bins behind Glitzy’s last Saturday. “All we’re asking for is an indolent, barely mobile day’s work in return for a completely unrepresentative day’s pay.”

But with other high street crudmerchants voting on industrial action and Argos bosses, very much like their dead-eyed peons, refusing to budge, the outlook seems bleak for the nation’s feral unemployables. “Trust me” warned Ebbsfleet “If the situation continues, they’ll be out of Sunny Delight and Sean Paul posters before the week is out. Then it’s going to look like a burberry-covered Dawn Of The Dead. Thank Christ I live in Buckinghamshire, that’s all I can say.”

1 comment:

Maceie said...

I may very well borrow a few lines of this for work tomorrow. Good stuff.