Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Church Of England To Allow Atheist Bishops

“Let’s Not Get Hung Up On The Whole God Thing” Says Dr Williams

The Church of England’s General Synod (NB: General Synod is the legislative body of the CoE and not, as previously thought, Darth Vader’s second in command) has overturned hundreds of years of doctrine by allowing atheist bishops.

Dr Rowan Williams stated “Belief in a benevolent, all-knowing creator is a matter of personal choice. If somebody can carry off wearing a surplice, keeps their hands off the kids and can pull in the punters, quite frankly they can believe the world was pooped out the bottom of a giant astral meerkat for all I care.”

The move follows the synod’s decision to allow female bishops, which commentators feel was due to many Archbishop’s inability to explain what a woman actually was in public. When the synod was questioned what physical attributes should bar people from wearing daft hats and organising tombolas, Dr Williams stammered for several minutes, flushed visibly, muttered something about “boobies” before deciding to allow women into their club.

But conservative elements within the CoE feel that the synod has taken a step too far. Eliasaph Ebbsfleet, chief wrangler for the Church of the Saturday Saints, has warned that the very foundation of the mother church is at risk. “God is on record as clearly stating that if you don’t believe in him, he will beat the living tar out of you for all eternity. The idea that somebody can now waltz into a cushy six-figure job without even thinking his boss exists is plain lunacy.”

“The Bible is clear on a number of other issues. Not least of which is that women are just bloody awful. Look, it says here in Corinthians: ‘Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak’. But try telling that to parishioners these days and you’ll get a size four Jimmy Choo in your clackers.”

Ebbsfleet feels standards have been slipping for several years. “Personally, I reckon it’s all gone bollocks-up since they started letting that Titchmarsh feller present Songs Of Praise. Awful man.”

1 comment:

Gorilla Bananas said...

The Lord will finger your bum for such levity.