Archbishop Breaks Hypocrisy World Record

Dr Williams Wins Golden Pot/Kettle Award

Dr Rowan Williams entered the Guinness Book Of Records today by eclipsing the previously-held record in rank two-faced-ness during a discussion on the credit crunch. The Archbishop was speaking on The Today Program from his residence at Lambeth Palace, which is situated amongst sumptuous grounds and is tended to by dozens of members of staff.

During his talk, Dr Williams stated that the credit crunch was a “Welcome reality check in a climate of unsustainable greed”, a lack of sustainability that he acknowledged was not shared by the Church of England, currently estimated to be worth over four billion pounds.

This, however, was merely a warm up for Dr Williams’ world hypocrisy record attempt, which arrived when he stated that the credit crunch showed that Britain had "accepted the message that it's not possible to have an endless spiral of accumulating wealth that has nothing to do with producing anything".

On hearing Williams’ statement, presenter Evan Davis was heard to fall backwards off his chair in hysterical laughter. Just before he was dragged out of the studio by a producer, Davis was heard to shout at the Archbishop “Not producing anything?! That’s fucking rich coming from a bunch of layabout psychic leeches like you gang of cu…”

Unperturbed by Davis’ outburst, Dr Williams finished with a flourish, adding "I think there are some huge moral lessons to be learnt about the nature of accumulating wealth.” At this point The Today Program had to cut to a pre-recorded segment as Dr Williams’ staggering achievement in bare-faced double standards was so massive it fused several pieces of studio equipment.

The Church Of England’s press department made a short statement regarding Dr Williams’ comments. “As a clergyman of over 30 years, Dr Williams has a great pedigree in displaying mind-boggling levels of hypocrisy” said spokesdeacon Samuel Ebbsfleet. “But with this, he’s really raised the bar. I’d like to see the Catholics top that one. Although if anyone can, I’m sure it would be that lot.”

The Bishop Of Southwark, asked about Dr Williams comments, merely replied “He’s the Archbishop of Canterbury. It’s what he does. And I’m the Bishop of Southwark. It’s what I do. Nowgivvuzapoundforracanofspeshyoufugga….”

Beelzebub Expected Early This Evening, Say Satanists

“Halfway Through Question Of Sport” Estimates Expert

Halloween is to be given a dramatic twist this year with the rising from the sulphurous pits of hell by the Lord Of Darkness himself, according to one demonological expert. Speaking from his two-bedroom terraced coven in Knutsford, devil expert Alistair Ebbsfleet stated “The moon shall run red with the blood of innocents, the seas shall be rent in twain and The Unspeakable One shall stalk the earth once more. Probably starting somewhere near Penge.”

Ebbsfleet listed the early signs of the impending rise of The Ultimate Harbinger Of Sorrow as “The stars raining fire from the heavens and probably quite a stiff northerly breeze.” This will then apparently be followed by the earth spewing forth the living dead and the lamentations of the countless being heard across the land. It is not yet clear whether these lamentations will contravene noise nuisance laws laid down in the Environmental Protection Act.

When asked why Diabolus should choose this evening to ascend from the underworld, Ebbsfleet explained “The signs of the end of days are all around us – the middle east awash with blood, the world economy falling to its knees. Peter Kay. Perfect environment for overthrowing the throne of heaven, really. But I think the main attraction to Mephistopheles at the moment is that most of the public won’t even notice he’s there. Not until wailing daemons start stuffing people’s gizzards into their ears. Too late by then, of course.

“But any society that gets more worked up about two potty-brained buffoons, or which person out of a sample of twelve is the worst singer, rather than the fabric of civilisation crumbling about them like a meringue in a threshing machine, isn’t going kick up too much of a fuss when the Antichrist starts throwing his weight about.”

“And apart from all that” added Ebbsfleet “It’s Halloween, innit? Traditional for Him to turn up at Halloween.”

UK society will look very different under the iron hoof of The Horned Beast, says Ebbsfleet. He predicts that the press will be seriously curbed, with only The Daily Mail and Chat magazine allowed to continue. “My Family will continue to be commissioned as well” he warns. But bizarrely, Lucifer will enforce rigorous environmental policies. “Despite wanting to doom mankind to an eternity of suffering” says Ebbsfleet “He really has a soft spot for polar bears. Not sure why.”

Catholic Church Buys Out Anglicans

New Religious Consortium To Be Named “Cathlican”

After plummeting attendances and an underfunded infrastructure pushed the Anglican Church to the brink of collapse, the Catholic Church has stepped in to bail out the ailing faith in a £4.7 billion buyout. Many in the 470-year-old organisation feared the mother church would have to cease praying altogether before the Holy Roman faith conglomerate stepped in.

Dr Rowan Williams, head of the beleaguered doctrine, stated “Nobody could have foreseen the global collapse in faith – this is absolutely unprecedented. With promising new markets, especially in the third world and China, we felt the church was in a healthy condition to expand its client base. The next thing we knew, the pews were simply empty.” Many expect Dr Williams to step down in the next few days, with the Mormon church already offering him a lucrative consultancy role.

Members of the public who have invested in the life everlasting with the Anglican church have been told not to panic, with Cardinal Ebbsfleet of the Vatican promising to honour all existing prayers lodged with the church. This followed scenes of chaos as churches in London, Bristol and Knutsford were mobbed by panicking worshippers demanding their eternal souls, which had been entrusted to the church, to be returned.

“I thought my place at God’s right hand was safe with the Anglicans” said Missie Luther, a long-time Anglican customer. “I think it’s disgusting that they gave us no warning of what was happening. Only last Sunday, I was chatting to the vicar and he didn’t say a word. All the time he must have known I was going to hell while he walks away scot free. I should have pissed in his tea, the lying Turk.”

Anglican employees are braced for a slew of redundancies as the Catholic church attempts to streamline the organisation. As many as 40% of Anglican churches will be sold off to property developers, and the unemployment rate amongst organists is set to skyrocket. “It used to be a job for life” said one parson. “Get your feet under the pulpit, keep your hands off the parishioners and you’d be set . Now what? I might see if there’s any vacancies with the Kabbalists. They seem to be a faith that’s going places.”

The takeover will be formalised this Sunday, with Pope Benedict welcoming his new flock, tentatively named “Cathlicans”, during his address in St Peters’ Square. “I welcome all of my new flock into the arms of the Cathlican faith.” said the elderly ex-Nazi. “Pending due diligence to ensure none of them are sodomites, abortionists or johnny-jockeys, of course” he added.

God Blamed For Cutty Sark Fire

More Car Chases In Bible “Would Have Averted Tragedy”

The investigation into the £10M blaze at the Cutty Sark has found that The Lord God Almighty, Omniscient Creator Of The Universe & Smiter Of Sodomites was to blame. The fire started after a security guard at the site fell asleep whilst reading the Bible and failed to notice that a faulty hoover (also thought to be part of God’s wondrous creation) had burst into flames.

It is believed he was attempting to plough through a particularly tedious section of Corinthians involving a lot of begatting and lists of things God forbade Jehosaphat to eat. These include “Beasts that layeth in pastures 2,000 feet above sea level, the fleshy parts of smaller woodland creatures and any seafood restaurants abroad, really.”

Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “The fire started around 4am in the cargo hold after an industrial hoover had been left running for two days. The builders working on the site said the off switch the hoover required was in their mate Gary’s van and they couldn’t get it until after the weekend.”

“There were two guards on duty that night, one of whom was on a tea break when the conflagration commenced. We are aware of the stupendous level of irony in a tea clipper burning to the ground because of this. However, we believe the other guard would have been awake to smell the fire starting had the holy word of the Lord not been so buttock-clenchingly dull.”

Ebbsfleet believes major changes are needed in the Bible to avert future tragedies of this nature. “Like it or not, people or always going to want to read the Bible, and while the general public might find such behaviour abhorrent, we should try and make it as safe as possible.” The Chief Inspector has suggested a complete overhaul of the good book, reducing it to a pacier 250 pages, a greater focus on “Floods and brimstone and other cool stuff” and a possible rewrite by Dan Brown to “Sex the whole thing up a bit.”

Meanwhile, police are currently interviewing various demigods to establish the whereabouts of the Lord Our Saviour. “Several minor deities, including Vayu, Hypnos and Qed-Her, are being questioned at this time. We would ask the public that if they see God in the street, they should not approach him. They should instead contact their local psychiatrist immediately.”

Shite Christmas Predicted

Britain “To Be Covered In A Blanket Of Despond” Say Forecasters

With the Met Office already stating that a white christmas this year is “As likely as catching Terry Lubbock in a gay clinch with Michael Barrymore”, many experts state that most of Britain will open their curtains on December 25th to “Scenes of unremitting bleakness, bereft of hope, charity or even a hint of rosy-cheeked yuletide jollity.”

Government predictor Tony Ebbsfleet stated “Now the Met Office has had time to collate all the data, it’s clear that this summer was the equivalent of listening to slowed-down Joy Division for a week in a damp bedsit in Clitheroe. This, combined with the unsurprisingly cack weather predicted for winter, means that Christmas Day will be like any other day in December – cold, miserable and dark – with the added negative of all the shops being shut.”

Ebbsfleet fears that other factors will combine to make this year’s festivities “Like being in a Mike Leigh film for three days solid.” With the global economy now more fucked than a dockside prostitute during shore leave, the prospect of some decent gifts seem unlikely, he warns. “I’m on government pay, which is normally a pretty good screw, but the kids are getting frig-all this year. They keep banging on about a Nintendo Wii but the way things are going they’ll be lucky to get a packet of Primark socks split between them.”

Television is unlikely to offer any refuge, as falling ad revenues force broadcasters into making increasingly cheap and tawdry programs. This year’s christmas schedule is set to include:

“Nonentity Love Garage”, in which 12 complete unknowns are incarcerated in an Ilford lockup with 12 crates of Stella and “Ibiza Madness!” on permanent loop, resulting in the dead-eyed contestants circling each other in a sexually predatory manner, like sharks around a blood clot.

“Songs of Condemnation”, a crisis-of-faith program where doubting Christians question God’s need for famine/war/Jude Law through the medium of song whilst weeping uncontrollably. Hosted by Alan Titchmarsh & Richard Dawkins.

“We Can Ruin Your Life”, starring Justin Lee Fucking Collins. An undeserving member of the public is selected at random and the very fabric of their existence is comprehensively dismantled by shady government operatives for no good reason.

“When I was a kid, there were 25 million people tuning in to watch Eric & Ernie” said Ebbsfleet. “This christmas, if over a million people watch some fat pleb crying while a lifestyle expert tells them how worthless they are, it’ll be considered a ratings smash. They’re not even showing The Great Escape, you know?”

When asked how the public can alleviate the predicted awfulness of this year’s Christmas, Ebbsfleet suggested “Getting absolutely Gascoigned as soon as you wake up. Seriously, go to sleep christmas eve with a case of Bells by your bedside. With any luck you’ll be out of it until it’s time to go back to work the following Tuesday.”

‘Creationist’ Scientist To Be Burnt Alive

‘Unbelievers Must Be Purified’ Says Royal Society Inquisitor General

After suggesting that it might not be a bad idea to put the theory of Creationism into some kind of scientific context, Professor Michael Reiss is to be burned at the stake outside Greenwich’s Royal Observatory this Sunday.

Professor Reiss, formerly the Society’s Director Of Education, was giving a talk in Liverpool when the damaging comments were made. “The goal of science is not merely the pursuit of truth” Reiss said “But also the dissemination of our findings. Many children are raised in households that believe in Creationism rather than the Evolutionary model."

“If the subject is raised in the classroom, it might be a good opportunity to discuss the issue and try to show that Evolution presents a more scientifically sound explanation than God and dust and nostrils and all that.”

Reiss’ speech was cut short, however, when three Cardinals from the Royal Society’s ‘Council Of The Suprema’ burst into the room and shouted “Nobody expects the Rational Thought Inquisition!!!” The Professor was then bundled into a car and taken to the Society’s “Re-Education Centre”, believed to be located in the bowels of the London Science Museum.

Albert Ebbsfleet, a leading Calificadore for the Royal Society, explained “Any heterodoxy must be purged from the masses until the shining, pure truth of rationalism cleanses their minds of unscientific thought. So it is written in the book of New Scientist.”

“We have been investigating Professor Reiss for some time and this is simply the latest act of scientific heresy.” Ebbsfleet listed a number of scientific offences allegedly committed Reiss, including touching wood for luck, crossing his fingers and saying hello to magpies.

The professor is due to be dragged in chains through the streets of Greenwich this Sunday, where mobs of empiricist fundamentalists are expected to pelt him with copies of Richard Dawkins’ “The God Delusion”. He will then be tied to a stake outside the Royal Observatory and burnt alive.

Dawkins himself is expected to attend the burning, taking time off from his tour of punching every bishop in the UK in the mouth. “Any science teacher worth his salt would piss in the eye of a kid who started on Creationism” said Dawkins “These Jesus-peddlers are no more than a bunch of intolerant shagrats. Kill all of ‘em and let random interplay of atoms decide, I say.”

Deluded Youths Gather In Sydney

“A Great Day For Ignoring The Facts” Says Pontiff


Pope Benedict XVI kicked off World Youth Day in Sydney this morning by telling the massed 200,000 teenagers “To think, you are in the sunniest, most laid-back city on the planet. You could be naked, drunk and having sex on surfboard. But no, you have decided to listen to an old Nazi tell you that you’re all evil. God Bless you all.”

The ceremony started with a traditional welcoming dance from Australian Aborigines, which the Pope remarked as being “Utterly charming. Lovely. Thank you so much. You’re all pagans and you’re going to burn for eternity, obviously, but thanks all the same.” He then asked a passing Cardinal “I thought we had all this lot shot years ago?”

Benedict (“Call me Benny” he implored the crowd at one point) called the congregation of unlovable virgins “Pilgrims of peace”, adding “The Catholic Church completely opposes all forms of armed conflict. Just look at our stance during World War II. Did a proper bodyswerve on that one, I can tell you.”

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd then launched into a searingly insightful attack on rationalists who oppose the Church. "Some say there is no place for faith in the 21st century, I say they are wrong. Some say that faith is the enemy of reason, I say also they are wrong," A passing Richard Dawkins was heard to remark “Well, there’s no arguing with logic like that. Put me right in my place, he has. That’s my career proper fucked, isn’t it?”

The gathering is due to last six days, to reflect the six days God took to make the entire universe. “Let’s see those so-called ‘scientists’ have a 4,000 billion year event, eh?” chuckled Pope Benedict. He has also embraced new technology, sending inspirational text messages each day, such as “Gd is gr8”, “JC4U” & “Abrt & u go2 hell”

One local resident, Galah Ebbsfleet, was less pleased with the Papal visit, however, remarking “Flamin’ pontiffs!” before going to work in his local caravan park.

Church Of England To Allow Atheist Bishops

“Let’s Not Get Hung Up On The Whole God Thing” Says Dr Williams

The Church of England’s General Synod (NB: General Synod is the legislative body of the CoE and not, as previously thought, Darth Vader’s second in command) has overturned hundreds of years of doctrine by allowing atheist bishops.

Dr Rowan Williams stated “Belief in a benevolent, all-knowing creator is a matter of personal choice. If somebody can carry off wearing a surplice, keeps their hands off the kids and can pull in the punters, quite frankly they can believe the world was pooped out the bottom of a giant astral meerkat for all I care.”

The move follows the synod’s decision to allow female bishops, which commentators feel was due to many Archbishop’s inability to explain what a woman actually was in public. When the synod was questioned what physical attributes should bar people from wearing daft hats and organising tombolas, Dr Williams stammered for several minutes, flushed visibly, muttered something about “boobies” before deciding to allow women into their club.

But conservative elements within the CoE feel that the synod has taken a step too far. Eliasaph Ebbsfleet, chief wrangler for the Church of the Saturday Saints, has warned that the very foundation of the mother church is at risk. “God is on record as clearly stating that if you don’t believe in him, he will beat the living tar out of you for all eternity. The idea that somebody can now waltz into a cushy six-figure job without even thinking his boss exists is plain lunacy.”

“The Bible is clear on a number of other issues. Not least of which is that women are just bloody awful. Look, it says here in Corinthians: ‘Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak’. But try telling that to parishioners these days and you’ll get a size four Jimmy Choo in your clackers.”

Ebbsfleet feels standards have been slipping for several years. “Personally, I reckon it’s all gone bollocks-up since they started letting that Titchmarsh feller present Songs Of Praise. Awful man.”