‘Creationist’ Scientist To Be Burnt Alive

‘Unbelievers Must Be Purified’ Says Royal Society Inquisitor General

After suggesting that it might not be a bad idea to put the theory of Creationism into some kind of scientific context, Professor Michael Reiss is to be burned at the stake outside Greenwich’s Royal Observatory this Sunday.

Professor Reiss, formerly the Society’s Director Of Education, was giving a talk in Liverpool when the damaging comments were made. “The goal of science is not merely the pursuit of truth” Reiss said “But also the dissemination of our findings. Many children are raised in households that believe in Creationism rather than the Evolutionary model."

“If the subject is raised in the classroom, it might be a good opportunity to discuss the issue and try to show that Evolution presents a more scientifically sound explanation than God and dust and nostrils and all that.”

Reiss’ speech was cut short, however, when three Cardinals from the Royal Society’s ‘Council Of The Suprema’ burst into the room and shouted “Nobody expects the Rational Thought Inquisition!!!” The Professor was then bundled into a car and taken to the Society’s “Re-Education Centre”, believed to be located in the bowels of the London Science Museum.

Albert Ebbsfleet, a leading Calificadore for the Royal Society, explained “Any heterodoxy must be purged from the masses until the shining, pure truth of rationalism cleanses their minds of unscientific thought. So it is written in the book of New Scientist.”

“We have been investigating Professor Reiss for some time and this is simply the latest act of scientific heresy.” Ebbsfleet listed a number of scientific offences allegedly committed Reiss, including touching wood for luck, crossing his fingers and saying hello to magpies.

The professor is due to be dragged in chains through the streets of Greenwich this Sunday, where mobs of empiricist fundamentalists are expected to pelt him with copies of Richard Dawkins’ “The God Delusion”. He will then be tied to a stake outside the Royal Observatory and burnt alive.

Dawkins himself is expected to attend the burning, taking time off from his tour of punching every bishop in the UK in the mouth. “Any science teacher worth his salt would piss in the eye of a kid who started on Creationism” said Dawkins “These Jesus-peddlers are no more than a bunch of intolerant shagrats. Kill all of ‘em and let random interplay of atoms decide, I say.”