“I Could Buy You All” Plutocrat Tells Press Conference
Forbes magazine has released its annual Top 400 Rich List in the midst of a global economic meltdown today, and a surprise entry at 387 was Edna Ebbsfleet, a retired dinner lady from Knutsford. “Eeeh, I’ve never been on any list, me” said Ebbsfleet, adding “I’m 87, you know.” Ebbsfleet’s appearance on the list was due to the £356.27 she has saved in her Post Office account.
Economic expert Ting Fanshaw explained “Mrs Ebbsfleet’s fortune has been built on a sound fiscal model of placing £5 in her savings every pension day. She’s shrewdly avoided the whole sub-prime market and it’s clearly paid dividends.” Mrs Ebbsfleet’s joy at appearing in the Forbes list was short-lived, however, as newspaper columnists quickly condemned her for not sharing her wealth with those more in need.
“It’s disgusting that a grasping old crone like that can sit on her nest-egg while our boys in Iraq can’t even afford straight bullets” said unhinged journo Richard Littlejohn. “Gordon Brown promised a fairer society when he wasn’t elected to number 10, but people like Mrs Ebbsfleet can still sit back and watch the interest on their wealth grow by pennies every year. Oh, and foreigners and poofs are disgusting, in case I hadn’t mentioned it.”
Despite Ebbsfleet’s appearance, the top end of the Forbes list was still dominated by multibillionaires, with Bill Gates featuring at number one with an estimated fortune of $57 billion. Gates recently asked Microsoft advisors “What is this recession thing they keep talking about on the news? Is it a type of cheese? Can you run Windows on it? Can I buy one?”
The number three spot was taken by Hamilton Croesus III, whose personal fortune is an estimated $47B billion. The Croesus family fortune was started in 1848 with “Old Pa’s Slave Emporium”, based in Mississippi. The shop sold items such as the “Old Stripey” whip for the slave trade. They became famous for their slogan “Emancipate Yourself From Troublesome Negras”.
Today, the Croesus business portfolio has diversified into less controversial areas such as the arms industry, South American logging and representing Premier League footballers. At the Forbes press conference, Hamilton Croesus told reporters “Who the hell do you people think you’re looking at? I could have you shot, you know.” When asked his opinion about the current global recession, he replied “We’re all feeling the pinch, my boy. Why, only last week my Lear jet was clean out of ’57 Montrachet.”
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