Ritual Slaughter Of Foreigners “Part Of Healing Process” Says Mayor
As part of the memorial service for the seventh anniversary of 9/11, officials in New York are to round up seven vaguely Arabic-looking homeless men and allow widows of the tragedy to shoe them to death.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg explained “The wounds caused by this terrorist atrocity are still very fresh in the minds of New Yorkers. Every day, we look up to the skyline and see two great monuments to the American dream are missing. And every day, we look down onto the sidewalk and see a heap of swarthy looking A-rabs walking around the place laughing at us.”
“Today is a day for saying ‘Fuck you, Johnny Iraq. We run this goddam planet and here’s a dose of all-American size 12s in the nuts for a reminder.”
The ceremony, due to take place at Ground Zero next to remnants of crushed filing cabinet and unidentified stockbroker teeth, will see the seven terrified, innocent immigrants tied to flagpoles flying the stars and stripes. The Jonas Brothers, America’s latest horrifying fundamentalist teen sensations, will sing a mournful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.
Then, as the sun slowly sets over the Hudson river, 47 screeching widows will rip lumps out of the blameless wretches, mouthing incoherent xenophobia and flinging gobbets of warm middle-eastern flesh into the baying crowd.
The ritual slaughter is just one of the many events planned in New York. As the traditional gift for the seventh anniversary is wool or copper, officials will also free 911 sheep into the streets of the city and give locals lengths of piping to bludgeon them to death with.
A parade is planned down 42nd Street and will feature floats depicting a blindfolded Iraqi prisoner being pistol-whipped, an exploding mosque and a laughing George Bush shitting onto a copy of the Koran.
New York resident Minsky Ebbsfleet said “We took a hell of a licking seven years ago, yessiree. But we wanna show the world that there ain’t no brown in the Big Apple.”
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