Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Tesco “Now Richer Than Wall Street”

Chief Executive Awarded Norway In Bonus Package

Tesco unveiled their 10% increase in profits for the first half of 2008 by carving their profit & loss balance sheet in letters 300-foot high into the side of Mount Kilimanjaro. This was then followed by a concert debuting a newly-commissioned piece entitled “Tesco Uber Alles”, played by a 4,000-piece orchestra on instruments made from solid strontium.

Chief Executive Terry Leahy, announcing the boom in profits atop a 1,000-foot high Swarovski crystal tower designed by Sir Norman Foster, said “It’s been a very good year for Tesco so far, but we’ve still got a long way to go to fulfil our aims of owning every single electron of matter on this wretched planet.”

“Other ways of purchasing a few bits for the weekend still exist for consumers, and we should not rest until ‘Tesco’ replaces every verb in every language for the purchasing of goods. I dream of a day when a teenager Tescos his first pushbike, or a married couple celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary by Tescoing some pilchards.”

As the hundreds of thousands of Tesco staff massed in the Tanzanian plains, Leahy revealed his yearly bonus, which is set to include “As many pound coins as there are atoms in a rhino’s cock, 78% of the tea in China, and the delightfully picturesque Scandinavian paradise of Norway”. It is believed Leahy plans to convert Norway into an 18-million hole golf course.

Leahy plans to expand Tesco’s empire by buying out every struggling banking institution on Wall Street and forcing the wealthy financiers to gather trollies in Tesco’s Knutsford branch for minimum wage. He then plans to flatten the offices of JP Morgan and convert the land into a Tesco Metro. “We might do chart CDs, I’m not sure yet.” added Leahy.

Shaky Geoff, the current trolley wrangler in Tesco Knutsford, is reportedly devastated at his forthcoming redundancy. “I don’t ask for much” said Geoff “Just enough money to keep me in batteries so I can listen to my Will Young CD on repeat while I shuffle round the carpark in the rain. Being spat on by the local teenagers, smiling at the lady shoppers ‘til I do a happy cry from my naughty place – that’s all I want. You done a bad, Mr Leahy.”


jimmy w said...

'a happy cry from my naughty place'. Christ...

Timeonmyhands said...

Everyone knows 'Shaky Geoff'. Fantastic!!