Wednesday, 1 October 2008

God Blamed For Cutty Sark Fire

More Car Chases In Bible “Would Have Averted Tragedy”

The investigation into the £10M blaze at the Cutty Sark has found that The Lord God Almighty, Omniscient Creator Of The Universe & Smiter Of Sodomites was to blame. The fire started after a security guard at the site fell asleep whilst reading the Bible and failed to notice that a faulty hoover (also thought to be part of God’s wondrous creation) had burst into flames.

It is believed he was attempting to plough through a particularly tedious section of Corinthians involving a lot of begatting and lists of things God forbade Jehosaphat to eat. These include “Beasts that layeth in pastures 2,000 feet above sea level, the fleshy parts of smaller woodland creatures and any seafood restaurants abroad, really.”

Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “The fire started around 4am in the cargo hold after an industrial hoover had been left running for two days. The builders working on the site said the off switch the hoover required was in their mate Gary’s van and they couldn’t get it until after the weekend.”

“There were two guards on duty that night, one of whom was on a tea break when the conflagration commenced. We are aware of the stupendous level of irony in a tea clipper burning to the ground because of this. However, we believe the other guard would have been awake to smell the fire starting had the holy word of the Lord not been so buttock-clenchingly dull.”

Ebbsfleet believes major changes are needed in the Bible to avert future tragedies of this nature. “Like it or not, people or always going to want to read the Bible, and while the general public might find such behaviour abhorrent, we should try and make it as safe as possible.” The Chief Inspector has suggested a complete overhaul of the good book, reducing it to a pacier 250 pages, a greater focus on “Floods and brimstone and other cool stuff” and a possible rewrite by Dan Brown to “Sex the whole thing up a bit.”

Meanwhile, police are currently interviewing various demigods to establish the whereabouts of the Lord Our Saviour. “Several minor deities, including Vayu, Hypnos and Qed-Her, are being questioned at this time. We would ask the public that if they see God in the street, they should not approach him. They should instead contact their local psychiatrist immediately.”

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