Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Daily Mail To Be Extradited

Smith Announces “Littlejohn’s Law”

Between smearing spoonfuls of her own shit against the walls of her cabinet office and rocking in a foetal position under her desk, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today took time out to announce plans of a new bill to ban anybody from the UK who gets on her increasingly-fragile nerves by barking it in a staccato fashion through the gap under her door.

“Preachers of hate have no place in modern UK society” wibbled Smith “So I’m buggering about with the law like a kid with a box of Lego until there’s something in place that gives me legal sanction to kick them out.”

The Catholic Church, braced from their recent buy-out of the Anglican faith, has reacted angrily to the move, stating that the new law constitutes a restriction on trade. “No sensible person wants those brown chaps telling us we’re all evil, of course” said one chap sporting a large pointy hat “But this law will end a tradition that stretches back a thousand years – the right for an unelected man to threaten rooms full of people with menaces over what they choose to do with their unmentionables at home. If Smith’s proposals become law, how are we going to browbeat the poofs then? Answer me that one.”

The ex-Judaic faith is not the only group affected by the product of Smith’s misfiring head. Many predict that The Daily Mail will cease to function as a publication under the new laws. “You couldn’t make it up in a handcart” said excremental fat cunt Richard Littlejohn “This is just a green light for gays to start demanding my tax money, waving dildos at me in a threatening manner. Some of them will be dirty gypsies too, just you wait and see.”

Media analysts have estimated that without recourse to the demonisation of minority groups, the misrepresentation of statistics and outright fearmongering lies, The Daily Mail will be little more than a four-page set of horse racing results surrounded by adverts for Mediterranean cruises.

Smith, however, was adamant that her proposals become law as soon as possible. “We cannot have people entering the country with the intention of stirring up tensions. We want to send out a message – ‘If your views differ in the smallest iota to Labour Party doctrine – which we reserve the right to change as & when things go cock-shaped – then you may as well stay on the plane. This country did not become the greatest democracy in the world by allowing dissenting voices to be heard.”

Smith’s further justification for the law – to protect her brainwaves from being raped by Arab-shaped invaders – was later dismissed by Labour press officers as “Just Jacqui before the pills kick in. Pay it no mind.”

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